Quickness

Just a quick post today. Things seem to be so much busier around this time of year, even though we are still doing the same ol, same ol.
I got word yesterday that my MUGA scan came back clean and my heart is still pumpin away. Thats good to know-all this means is that I can continue to do the Herceptin until my next scan in 4 months.
I just got home from the plastic man and he filled me up nice and good. I usually do 60cc's, but today he did 100 and I feel stretched to the max. It feels like I have an ace bandage wrapped nice and tight around my chest that keeps me from breathing and just for good measure, strapped in a couple elephants. Its great. But, im looking more like I have boobs and less like a boy, although I am a bit lopsided still because the radiated breast isnt wanting to cooperate by stretching. The volume is the same, its just a bit deflated on the top. Are you getting sick of hearing about my boobs yet? I know I am. Im very anxious to just speed things up and get this over with. Wishful thinking, right?
Well, thats all on the cancer front. Things are good and what a blessing it is!!

Whatnots

Not a whole lot going on right now-which is a good thing, right?
These expanders are pure hell (sorry), but they really are. Ive had to really focus on this positive thinking thing and the "end" product. My plastic surgeon said that this process should be pretty pain-less. So either he is full of crap or im just a wuss. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but this is crazy. I have a check up tomorrow, so hopefully he can shed some light on why the pain is so bad.
The other day after I had taken a shower, I noticed that my right side had grown and its actually quite full and round, but still hard as a rock. My left side...not so much. Im a little concerned that the left side (the side that was radiated) is going to have a difficult time stretching. The outer part looks good, but the middle looks deflated and shriveled. (sorry if thats a bit graphic). But today I am wearing a shirt that actually makes it look like I have something to fill it out. Its nice to have that again, even if it is only a size A and im noticably lopsided. I will take it. pain and all!!
So thats the scoop on the girls and all is well with everything else. Im still doing Herceptin and I will be getting a MUGA scan in the next couple weeks. Thats the scan that checks my heart and makes sure its still healthy. There is a small percentage that this Herceptin could damage my heart, so every few months I have to have my heart checked to make sure all is well. Im sure it will be.
Have a good week!!!

I wouldnt say "girls"...

more like infants!!
I just got a peek at the new additions and it wasnt quite what I was expecting. They are quite small, but I guess anything is an improvement.=)
This surgery was so much worse in the pain catagory than the mastectomy. They gave me so much pain medication and it didnt even put a dent in the pain. They probably thought I was the biggest whimp alive. It hurt to breathe and it felt like I had something sitting on my chest. It didnt help that the wrap around my chest was squeezing the life out of me. I cant even explain the pure joy of getting that thing cut off today. Total freedom!!
Im so glad that Bill was able to take Thurs and Fri off of work because I was out of it until yesterday. I was in a pain pill coma. Those things knocked me out for a good couple of hours. There is no way of functioning on those things, but they are totally necessary. I didnt take any today so that I could go to the doctor with a straight head and I was dying by the time I got home. Not so much where the incisions are or even the drains, but in the center of my chest and in my back. I really am a wuss.
I just went back and read what I wrote and I am all over the place. Sorry, im still in a bit of a daze.
The surgery went good-it took about 2 hours and it took a bit longer for me to come out of it and get up in recovery. I went to the Dr today and he said everything looks good. He was only able to put in 120cc's which is like a tiny A. The left side that was radiated isnt stretching too much-so this is going to be a slow process. I go back on Thursday to get the drains out (hopefully). And then from there, I will wait about 10days or so and then he will start the filling process. Hopefully he will be able to do about 75-100 cc's each time. I imagine the final surgery being the begining of the new year.
On a super good note. The Dr had sent some tissue and blood in for testing and it all came back good!!! No cancer re-occurance where he took the sample from! I wasnt really expecting there to be any, but its just nice to know=)
Just a little update but I think its time to go back to bed.
Have a good week!!

Updates and Boobies!!!

My goodness, I have completly lost my drive. I have no desire whatsoever to blog. None.
I go through these kinds of phases every now and then. I still have no desire, but I really need to update all thats going on.

The Herceptin is going good. I have really enjoyed it(is that weird?). I get some Benedryl (sp?) and it makes me feel pretty good. It kicks in in about 3 minutes and its off to sleepy land I go. The next thing I know, im done and on my way home to sleep it off for the rest of the night. My appointments are usually at about 2pm and im done at about 5 or 5:30. I feel bad because they are on Fridays and our night is usually shot. The only drawback is that by 10pm or so, it has worn off and im wide awake until like 2 or 3am. Sat. mornings are usually pretty rough. As much as I enjoy it, I get a bit overwhelmed when I think about having to do this for a year. Yikes!
Anyway.... on to the good news!!
I FINALLY met with a plastic surgeon. Im not quite sure about his name, but I really like him and he is was very informative. His name.....Dr. Wiener(wee-ner). Am I completly childish? I cant help but laugh. I refuse to say it, so I just call him Doc. Im so bummed because I cant get the tram flap procedure (thats the tummy tuck one) because I have to create 2 breasts and this procedure was meant for creating only one. Total bummer. So it looks like I will just have to get silicone implants. You should have seen the "sample" they had in the office. It was like Dolly Parton size and Bill was like "this seems about right". Im not sure exactly what size I will be in the end, that will be determined as I get filled each week. When I like the size that I am, then we will do the permanent implant surgery.
There will be a total of 3 surgerys. The first one, which will take place on Nov. 5th (YEA!!) will be an expander. Its a hard, mesh-like implant that they will fill up with as much saline as my skin will allow right now, which wont be much. Each week, I will drive all the way out to the office and they will fill me up some more. When I get to the size I like, then we put in the permanent implant.(about 2-3 months from now) After I have healed somewhat, then we will do the nipple reconstruction. They take a skin graft from your thigh or butt or somewhere, and they create a nipple. Once that is healed, then they tatoo the areola part and im complete! Its a long process and im really not that patient. I know that for the next few months I will be in pain and be totally uncomfortable, but the end result will be so nice. Its going to be wierd, having these fake boobs. Im not much of a fake person and having these things inside me is going to be strange, but wow, the fact that this can even be done is amazing. Im prepared for the topic of conversation, for a while, to be the new girls. Hello backpain and bras. It has been awesome not having to worry about a bra for a while. But I cant even tell you how excited I am to feel like a woman again. Its been a tough time, these past few months. Its done a lot to my confidance. Im excited to re-build that.
So thats the news these days. I have a good week and a half to prepare. They wanted to do it on the 29th, but I just couldnt give up Halloween with my kiddies. One more week isnt going to hurt, but my patience is definatly being tried=)
Happy Halloween Week!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness

Today starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. Have you done your self check yet?

Its never too early to start!!

Herceptin #1

I really didnt know what to expect from my first Herceptin treatment. All I did know, was that I was DREADING walking back into that office. It was all I was expecting and more. The smell, the looooong wait in the waiting room and the anxiety of the chemo room. Trying to find the bright side, I was extremly happy about the fact that when I left it wasnt to go home to wait for the sickness to come. I knew that I may have some body aches and chills but that they would be mild and short lived-nothing a little Tylenol couldnt fix!
It was a strange experience being in that room again, looking at everyone experiencing what I was going through-going through what I HAD gone through. It was a little bit of old and young, a few there for their first and second treatments, and some there for the same thing I was. We were all so different but together in this fight. I have to say that I was happy to be there this time with hair. I think it kinda symbolizes something in that office. Hope.
After sitting in the chair for a few minutes, my nurse came over to give me my name tag and prep my arm for the IV. She handed me a small cup that contained 2 Tylenol. I asked her what it was for and she said it was to take along with the Benedryl that they would give me through the IV before the Herceptin. She told me it might make me a bit sleepy, but acted like it was no big deal. About 3 minutes into the 10 minute drip, the room started to spin. My head felt like a helium balloon and I felt like I was in slow motion. I could hear the people talking around me but none of it made sense. All of a sudden my eyes became super heavy and I was out. The next thing I heard was my machine beeping informing the nurses that I was done. I had slept through the whole 90 minute drip. It was such a wierd feeling to not have any control whatsoever over my body or mind. It wasnt a good feeling like when you take painkillers or a sleeping pill, it was a yucky feeling and I hated it. I drove myself there not expecting anything like this and I was worried that I wasnt going to be able to drive home, but by the time I woke up, I felt better. I was still really loopy and super tired but I knew I could drive home. I think next time I will have to bring someone with me. I came home and crashed for a couple hours. It felt like I had taken a sleeping pill in the middle of the day. So by the time I slept it off, I was wide awake. ALL NIGHT. I think I read a book till 3 or so. Hopefully it will be better next time =)

So anyway, nothing else going on. Im still way tired and no energy. I know that all I need to do is get to the gym everyday and it will help, but its getting there that is the hard part. Im literally drained the second I wake up. I thought this fatigue part would be done by now, but it seems to get worse. I just need to suck it up and do it because I know that over time it will help. Its all a mind game.

I still havent found a primary care Dr. so I havent yet done anything about reconstruction. My skin still isnt healed so I dont feel in that big of a hurry. That will be my goal this week-to find myself a Dr!!! Like I said before, im having a hard time doing anything these days-im still in procrastination mode when it comes to anything medical. Im spent.

On a good note, my hair is extra thick and curly. I dont think I have EVER had this much hair and it has NEVER been one ounce curly. Its kinda nice. I still dont hold too high of hope that it will stay this way, but im enjoing it for the time being. The color is hideous and I am itching to color it. Blonde, red or really dark. Hmm. Whats a girl to do??

Heres to a great week!!

Side Effects

There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"

Awesome.

I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.

This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!

So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?

Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

Finished, the next step and whatnot

It feels great to be done!! I love not having to go to a doctors office everyday. I realized, however, that I now have a hate for doctors offices. I dont want to go and it seems that I have to psych myself up for it. I just dont want to go and thats that. But, I have no choice, so I do it anyway-which brings me to my latest appointment with my oncologist.

I especially hate this office the most. I know its all a mind over matter thing but boy my mind is strong. There is just a certain smell in that office and I just cant take it. It was so bad this time that I literally almost threw up-I was swallowing back big time. I just had to breathe out of my mouth. Luckily, my appointment went pretty fast and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. I love my oncologist. He wastes no time in telling it like it is and he always leaves me with a little lecture on diet and exercise. (I know, I know-thats a whole other post) Anyway, things look good. My skin is healing nicely and it has turned into a nice perfect rectangle tan. Its peeling and drying out and it just looks awesome. (im being a bit sarcastic)but it is healing and the sooner it heals the faster I can move on. My heart scan was normal and im all set up to start my Herceptin. I will do it every 3 weeks for the next year. If I stop and think about that I will go crazy. An entire year. That is so long and way too overwhelming. But the good thing is that it doesnt make me sick and there shouldnt be any side effects. Im very happy about that. So my first appointment is Sept 11th and I should be able to do it along with reconstruction with no problems. Now I just need to find myself a plastic surgeon and get the ball rolling. I have a little anxiety about the whole thing because I have heard that it hurts and its a very long process, but I am excited to feel like a woman again.

So thats where I am right now. I feel good and I actually feel normal and energetic.
Its a good feeling.

I can see the light!!

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY of my radiation. I cannot believe it is here already-it really has gone by fast. I am so excited to not have to get up at 6 every morning just to drive through traffic and lay on a table topless for 10 minutes and then drive all the way home. Oh happy day!!!

I really have been lucky as far as side effects go. I have been ridiculously tired and drained to the point of non function, but I consider myself lucky to only be tired. My burn isnt as bad as it could have been-but, a burn is a burn and it HURTS!! This week and some of last week, I started a radiation boost. What that is is a pretty heavy dose on a specific area. The doctor wanted to focus on my scar area because thats the #1 place the cancer likes to come back. It has been brutal. I have only had to deal with really, really bad sunburn like pain, but since the boost, it has tripled the pain and discomfort and it has caused blisters and scabs and all that good stuff.


This is a pretty crappy picture since I took it myself and I was trying to be discret and not show too much, but this is the jist of what my skin looks like in that area. Those marks were drawn every day to help the techs keep the lazers from overlapping into the same areas. I will be so happy to not have to be drawn on with a sharpie day after day.


So, now what?
To be honest, I really dont know. I still havent started the herceptin treatments yet and I still havent met with a plastic surgeon. So im kinda in limbo until I meet with my oncologist and get the ok to move on to the next step. Im sure I will have to have some scans and blood tests to see where things are and im sure there will be a lot of time in between each step. I have heard that I may not be able to have surgery while on herceptin, but im not sure thats true. Thats just something else I will have to ask my Dr. at my next appointment. I know that I dont want to wait a year to start reconstruction, im ready NOW!!! Im so tired of feeling like a boy and feeling not very cute. But cancer is not very cute and Im ready to be done. I dont want to be tired anymore, I dont want to be cranky because I am tired and I just want to be happy.

Here is something that I AM happy about...

Is that hair I see?? Oh yes, and it has come back in full force. Its not long enough yet to make a cute pixie style, but its getting there. Its also growing everywhere else. My arms, my face, my legs. Its great! Its a bit aggresive in some areas, like my face and eyebrows. I really think I have a beard-but thank goodness its blonde. This is all new to me, Ive never been very hairy, but I welcome it.

So thats where I am at this point. Just waiting for the next stage to begin. I am very lucky to have my 5 crazy kids to keep me busy and in the moment. I dont have a lot of time to sit around and think or to feel sorry for myself. In retrospect, I feel very blessed to have been given this trial during this phase of my life. If I was younger, it would have affected my ability to have more kids and if I was older, It would have been harder to handle chemo and raditation and my kids wouldnt have needed me as much as they do now. I think my attitude may have been different as well.

Anyway, I am so excited for tomorrow and you can bet that I am going to celebrate!!!

I just want to thank everyone for their continued words of support and love and especially the prayers on my behalf. I feel blessed everyday and I know its becasue of prayer. So, THANK YOU!!!

So you think you can dance!!!

Is anyone else obssesed with this show?? I LOVE it.
Last nights performance had me in tears and I wanted to share it for those of you who are hiding under a rock. Its just beautiful.
Enjoy here!!

What a lovely blogging break. I really needed it. I think I needed to step back from reality and just take a break. My brain hasnt allowed me to think much these past weeks-it still isnt, but im really behind on my journaling, so bare(bear??) with me while I try to make sense of what is in my head.

Having said that...

I am now officially in the throws of radiation. Today was my 9th treatment (only 21 left!) and its going pretty good. The only side effect I can tell is the crazy fatigue. Its pretty bad. If I drank coffee, I think I would need a good 10 cups to keep me going. And it doenst help that im not sleeping either. Idread the night because after I fall asleep I know that in an hour or 2 I will be awake until my alarm goes off at 6. Yes I said 6-and that is a.m. My raditaion time is 6:40 in the morning. I didnt even think doctors offices were open that early. If anyone knows me, they know that I am NOT even close to being a morning person. I think having to get out of bed at 8 is too early. This has been a huge adjustment for me because I am such a night owl. I would never go to bed until 12 or later. I just could never fall asleep early. Now I have to and it stinks. Maybe a mixture of all of this is the making for my restless nights. I asked the doctor about it this morning and he said it was most likely not caused by the raditation but probably from the stress of all that comes with cancer. I think hes probably right. I think it has finally caught up with me. Im still positive about the outcome, but im tired of all that comes with it. The endless doctors appointments and now the day after day after day of the same thing. Driving to the office, getting a lovely gown on, taking the gown off, laying on the table with my arms above my head-completly exposed and waiting for the techs to mark my body with marker so that they can get the red lazer lights perfectly in place. Im not allowed to move and its very hard to breathe and if I breathe too deep the radiation goes farther than intended and thats not a good thing. They are radiating in 4 different spots-the 4 spots that cancer likes to come back first. My breast(or whats left of it), the clavicle, the lymphnodes and the center of my chest. The one in the center is the hardest. They have this big metal thing touching my skin so they can get it as close as possible. I am not allowed to take any deep breaths because it will take the radiation past the chest wall in into the heart. At my first appointment with my radiologist, she told me that some people have a heart that is closer to the chest wall-kinda up against it, but that I didnt need to worry about it because its really uncommon. So when I went back the next day for my first appointment, she informed me that I was one of the few-of course I was. Its not a huge deal, it just changes the way they treat you-its a bit more complicated. But, it is what it is and I can handle 4 more weeks. At least they try to make the room relaxing. On the ceiling they have lights that change color and music playing. Actually, it feels like rock n bowl or something.

I still havent started my herceptin treatments yet. I need a MUGA (heart) scan first and I havent done it yet. They had me scheduled for one but they forgot to call me and let me know when it was. I got a call one morning from the lab saying I had missed my appointment. So I just need to get that scheduled and I can get on with it. Im really not looking forward to that-more time in the chemo room sitting in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours. So fun!

Im in the process of looking for a good plastic surgeon to do my reconstruction. Im not really that excited about starting that process either. Im excited to have boobs again, but not excited to go through all the pain that comes with it. I cant wear a bra of any sort during radiation because anything constricting on that area can cause the skin to rip, so that means I cant wear any prosthesis of any kind because I have nothing to hold them in place, so basically that means i walk around looking like a 10 year old boy. I even got called "sir" at the groccery store. Its great. And going to the pool is awesome-I really look great in my swimsuit-no hair and no boobs make for a hot lady!!!

Anyway, thats what is going on. Just more of the same. Its been a busy month and now its slow and my kids are bored and im excited for school to start. Im hoping that I can get this tired thing under control and get some sleep. If anyone has any suggestions as to a way to have more energy-I would glady accept. Any crazy diet or weird methods are all invited. Ive got to get on some sort of diet to lose weight and to keep this cancer away.

On a good note-my hair is growing back. I now look like I have a short buzz. I think maybe in like 2 months, I may be able to go out without a hat. I left for radiation one morning without a hat and had to go to my appointment with nothing-it felt so wierd, but luckily no one is really out that early. I found a bandana in the office and quickly put it on. I guess im not as comfortable as I thought.
Have a great day!!!

FINALLY...

A bit of good news. Actually, its a bit of GREAT news!
Today I had my appointment with my oncologist to go over the results of the pathology report from my surgery. Let me start from the top...
Monday I had my first follow up with my surgeon. I was prepared to beg with all my might so that he would take out the drains. I had had it. I just couldnt take it anymore. I knew that there was a really good chance that at least the left drain would stay in because I was still having a ton of drainage, but to my complete surprise, he said that they were ready to come out!! Holy cow, I have never been so excited to feel the ripping pain of those drains being pulled out. And pain it was. I really didnt know what to expect-I just knew it was going to hurt. Luckily, I was still numb so i didnt feel the stiches coming out, but oh my heavens, I felt those drains being pulled on then yanked as they ripped through muscle and tissue. I thought I might die for those brief seconds-but they are out and I am feelin good!!! It has taken a good part of this week for the swelling to decrease, but today I noticed a big change. The swelling is down and my arms have almost reached normal position down by my side. I dont look like a body builder anymore. I am still having pain and numbness on the backs of my arms and my arm pits are still completly numb as well as the stitches where the breast were removed and around that area. I still dont have full range of my arms-I cant reach and stretch them like before. I think that is just something that im going to have retrain my muscles to do. Hopefully the plastic surgeon can do something about that when I begin reconstruction. But its nice to feel a bit normal again.
The surgeon then told us about the pathology report. He started off by saying that it wasnt the news he was hoping to hear. I think Bill about had a heart attack. He said that 3 of the 7 lymphnodes that were tested came back positve for cancer. He was hoping that the large size of the nodes were the result of scar tissue-but they werent. I didnt panic, I knew that it was my oncologist that I needed to talk to, not the surgeon. Bill, on the other hand, paniced enough for the both of us. Hes funny like that.

So, that brings us to today. My Dr came in and said he was extremly happy with the report. He said that they were able to get all the cancer-thanks to the chemotherapy. He said that since the tumor and surrounding little spots were so reduced in size, it made it possible to get it all. He wasnt the least bit worried about the 3 nodes that tested positive. He just kept saying that he was so pleased that the chemo did its job and that my body was very receptive. Thank you body!! So as far as im concerned, I AM CANCER FREE!!! Its such a great feeling. I feel so lucky to be in this position. At the begining of all this, things didnt look good at all. Now look where I am. I have a great Dr and he has done such a marvelous job. I am convinced that I have been greatly blessed by a higher power-EXTREMELY blessed!! And of course I wouldnt be here without the many, many prayers that have come my way. What an experiece this has been. I know that the hard part is over-now its on to the maitenece part of all this. I should hear back next week as to when I will start the radiation and I will also start my Herceptin treatments. I knew from the begining that I would have to do the Herceptin because of me having the HER 2 gene, but I always thought it was a shot. I was informed today that this is an IV treatment that will take about 1hr and 45 min to recieve. So, im back to the chemo schedule. 1 day every 3 weeks for the next year. Its a bit discouraging to know that for the next year i have to deal with this, but I guess I would rather deal with this than have to deal with cancer again.
So thats where I am. Still a long road, but im prepared and ready.

Its a great day!!!

Update

I cant believe its been a week since the surgery. Time goes by so fast when you measure it by tv shows. Im so sick of being down and in bed-so today, I actually got out of the house. I guess it wasnt a real getting out of the house since I only stayed in the car, but it was nice to drive again anyway.
I am about ready to rip these darn drains out of the holes they are stiched into. I would say the pain is kinda like a sunburn mixed with total irritation of the skin. You know when you wear a cap sleeve shirt that rubs just under your arms-like that. So annoying. Im still draining tons of fluid so I know that im going to have to keep these things in a bit longer. I go see the surgeon on Monday and hopefully he will take out the stiches and these blasted drains.
I meet with my oncologist on the 19th and we should get my radiation scheduled-sooner rather than later-but it all depends on the healing of the wounds and the surrounding tissue. If you try to do radiation on tissue that is not strong, then you have a good chance of burning a hole right through it. Not a good thing.
Not much else going on. The kids are bored out of there minds. They all get home from lessons by 10:30 and since we are homebound they get bored really easy. Poor kids. Lots of TV and rock band. Hopefully next week we will be able to get out more and stay busy. Its been hard to not be able to play with them or do small simple things for them. I cant move my arms much, so even making them a meal is out of the question. How thankful I am for my mom for steping up this past week to take care of my kiddies for me. She has done everything from changing the diapers to lunch and dinner and all the cleaning and picking them up from lessons. Poor thing is so worn out, but she has not once complained and Im so grateful for her and all she has done for me. Tonight was the first night we had to figure out dinner. We have been brought dinner from ladies in our ward all week. Its been so nice.
All I can say is im glad that I wont have to do this again for a while!!!

And their off!!

What a strange experience surgery is. I had never had surgery before, so I really didnt know what to expect. I had read some other blogs of women who have had mastectomys, but other than that I was clueless. All that worring over nothin. I had a great night before surgery. After Bill dropped the kids off at his moms, we met at Oregenos. YUM!! I got the Pablo Picasso salad and Bill got some sandwhich. I think we were both really nervous because we only ate half our meals. Even though we werent hungry, we still ordered a pizookie because you cant go there without getting one. What a waste-we only ate half of it-well I only ate half of it. Then, I headed straight to book club. They are the sweetest bunch of girls ever!! Julie had made this sign that said "good luck Shelly" with bras and "feel your boobies" ribbons, and balloons put together to look like boobs. So dang cute! After a couple hours of good conversation, I headed home to finish getting ready and then "cuddled" with the hubby and then suprisingly fell asleep and slept really good until the alarm went off at 4:30. After registering and getting in my awesome hospital gown, the drug man came in and gave me some good stuff to help me relax. Thats about the last thing I remember until I woke up. Bill said I was laughing at the doctor, but I dont remember that. When I woke up I was in soooo much pain that I was rolling back and forth and moaning. I vaugely remember "kinda" crying. I think it was more like a child does when they are fake crying. I was just coming out of the fog and still acting really wierd. Nothing they gave me was working so they found something stronger and it worked like a charm. I went right back to sleep and woke up in my room with Bill and my parents. I still was hurting a lot and I went to feel my chest and there was nothing. Such a wierd feeling. Its a hard emotion to explain. The doctor had said that the lymph nodes were larger then he thought, but he thinks it might just be scar tissue from the cancer that was there. We are hoping thats what it is and that the cancer is gone from the nodes. We should find out tomorrow or Wednesday.
So anyway, the pain medicine wore off pretty quick, so they gave me more. About and hour later, it had wore off, but they can only give it to you every 4 hours. About a half hour later, I threw up. Then I threw up again, and again. By the end of the night we realized I was having a reaction to the morphine. So they gave me something else-something so glorious. It worked the second they put it in the IV and it lasted a long time. This was the first time I felt comfortable since being there-and it was at 4 in the morning. I finally was able to sleep-until they came in the next hour for vitals and the next hour and the next. I felt better the next day, but was still in pain. I was able to finally eat and hold things down, so at 1pm, I was able to go home. They gave me one final dose of the heavenly pain meds and I headed home. The second I walked in the door I puked. I guess I left a bit too early. Whoops. Luckily, that was the last time. Unfortuanlty, the pill form of that glorious drug isnt as glorious. Pain pills just dont work on me. Oh well, I guess I will just have to tough it out!!
I have these super cute drains in that are annoying as all get out. They are like a mile long with a grenade at the end. They keeping getting clogged and they hurt liek crap. They are stiched in to the side of me and the incision is so itchy, but I have to keep it covered with a bandaid so I cant get right to the source of the itch. Its driving me crazy. The back of my left arm is completly numb and at various times in the day, I will get a sharp, stabbing pain. Its so weird. Just above the incision on my left side, I have tons of fluid building up-so much so that all you have to do is push on it and you can hear a swooshing sound. Gross!! I called the Dr today and he said its fine as long as the drains keep draining.
Its hard to not be up doing the things that I usually do. I dont have full range of motion with my arms so i can only do things that dont require my elbows to leave my side. Its not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I would have had a lot harder time, but I have been ok. Maybe when the drains come out and I can wear normal clothes, it might be harder. I have had such incredible support and it makes this so much easier to handle. I am still a little out of it and my brain is still a bit foggy and I could sleep all day. Thanks to my Mom for taking over my duties for the next couple of days so I can recover and Thanks to Bills mom and sisters for taking such good care of the kids while I was in the hospital. They had soooo much fun!! I love you guys!!
Sorry no pictures, but this wasnt really something I wanted to remember with pictures. Thanks again for all the support and the kind words and the meals that were brought and the treats. They helped so much through this and I could never say thank you enough!

Last night with my girls!!

So here I sit on the eve of my surgery, trying to do everything and anything so I dont have to sit and think of tomorrow. I came to a conclusion yesterday...I am very, very good at distraction. If there is something I dont want to do, I sure as heck can find just about anything else to do. I havent really put that much thought into this surgery-to be honest. Of course I have thought about why im having it and what it means and that this may be what completly rids my body of this cancer-all the important things. But what im trying not to think of is the physical part of it. If im being honest, I love my boobs. I was very lucky to be so well endowed. Even though they are saggy and stretchy, they are mine and we have had such a long love/hate relationship. Im scared to let that go. I know all these fears I have are stupid and shallow and I should just be focusing on getting the cancer out of my body, but its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know that I need to face it right now before they are gone, but im scared to think about it. For example, I have been putting off getting a mastectomy bra. I finally decided that it was time yesterday. I went to the mall, not even really knowing what I was looking for. I asked the lady if they carried mastectomy products and she showed me what they had and I immediatly felt overwhelmed. I ended up just grabbing the sports bra that zips in the front for the surgery and left. On my way out, the tears started falling and I started to panic. Just my luck, the first tears I shed about this and im in the mall around perfect strangers. I pratically ran out of there. I got in the car took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and pulled myself together. Its been the same today, I have been so busy that I havent thought about it...much.
Im pretty good with the distractions.
But at some point before tomorrow, im going to have to look it in the eye. I may shed some tears, I know my husband will. Its a sad thing what this cancer does. It took my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, it took me from my family and put me in bed for weeks, it made me gain 10 pounds thanks to the steroids and now its taking the last thing that makes me a woman. I know that boobs dont define me or make me a better person, but they sure are a big part of my appearance as a woman-and now thats gone. Its hard to deal with. I know the fake ones will come at some point, but they arent mine.
Well, enough of that. I dont do well with the negative things. I would rather think of all the positive things that will come from this instead. The cancer being gone, new, perky boobs and a tummy tuck! What gal wouldnt want that!!! Im blessed to be here and blessed to be able to even have this option.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and sent kind words and wishes my way. I really have felt them all and I know that one of the reasons I am able to stay positive is because of them. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

So what to do with my last night. Hmm...We are shipping the kids off to Grandmas. They have been looking foward to this all week. Sleepovers are the best-especially when it invloves Grandma, Ana and Aunt T!! We are no match for them. Then, I think me and the hubby will go out to dinner and celebrate all the good years we have had with the twins. Then im off to book club for some girl time, but I actually have to be home at a decent time. No rollin in at 3 am this month. Its gonna be more like 11pm. Im pretty disciplined. ha ha. Then its time to panic. Im pretty sure there wont be much sleeping going on-so we might have to give the girls a propper goodbye!!! (im sorry-I know that was totally inappropriate-but im all about happy things right now and its my blog, I can write what I want =)!! And you know you were thinking it anyway)
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30 and hoepfully the surgery will start on time at 7:30. Thats early!!

Yikes!!

The next step!!!

It has taken me a while to sit down and post, but holy cow...I AM DONE!!!! DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE!!!! And it feels sooooo good!

Chemo #6 is done and it went good- I guess as good as can be with chemo. I really only had one day where I felt the need to be in bed. I think by this time I was so done with the whole being in bed and being nasous thing that I wanted nothing to do with it. I rebelled and told myself that I wasnt going to be sick. At the last minute, I decided to go to Lakeside with my Mom and my sister. I still felt crappy and nasous, but not to the point that I was bed ridden. It was a nice change to the usual. I got my energy back earlier and the nausousness was gone by Monday. I cant even begin to explain how great it feels to be done. All the anxiety is gone, the nervousness and aprehension-its gone. I know I still have a long road, but I think the worst part is over.

Speaking of the long road, the next step is surgery and that is happening on Friday. I havent been the least bit scared about this. I know its a big deal, but its necessary and I know that once this is done, the Cancer will be gone (hopefully). This next week is PARTY week. Its "bye bye boobies" week. I am going to bid these babies farwell in style!! I have plans for fun times Tues, Wednesday and Thursday. Im not going to rest until I have to!!

I meet with the surgeon on Monday morning for final things and just to make sure that all is still good. I still need to do complete blood work to make sure my white blood cell count is good-but im not worried about that because I havent had a problem with that this whole time. I still need to find one of those bras that make it look like you have some boobs-im not about to go out hairless and boobless! Hopefully the recovery of this surgery wont be too long. Its summer and ive got all the kids at home who are bored already. Its going to be a looong summer.
I should start radiation after the drains are taken out. (drains are put in to drain the fluid that builds up after surgery) Probably about 2 or 3 weeks. (hopefully) After 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week, I will finally be able to start reconstruction. There are a bunch of steps and a lot of pain, but its well worth it. I dont really know much, but I will keep you informed as I know more.
So surgery friday, a little stay in the hospital and then the next step can begin. Wish me luck!!!!

Boring

Wow, I am a boring blogger.
Nothing new really going on right now and i guess thats not such a bad thing. This round of nausea stuck around for a while-Saturday was my first nausea free day- so I feel like it hasnt been that long since I was sick. I cant believe that on Wednesday I only have a week until the next one, but at least its the last one!! I have developed some pretty crazy pycho-sematic (I have NO IDEA how to spell that) symtoms. I cant drink my beloved diet pepsi anymore. I drank it right before I got sick and now I cant even stomach the stuff. Maybe that was a gift from above because He knew how hard it was going to be to give it up after chemo is done. I guess its a good thing, but its a sad, sad time. Im still greiving. I also cant step foot in my room. I cant sleep in my bed and I hate the sight and the smell of that room. I have been sleeping in Averys room for the past week. Bill is loving having the bed all to himself. Its such a strange thing-its the smell of the room. I get a weird smell thing about 4 days after chemo. Bills smells, Avery smells and my room reaks to high heaven. I smell it for about a week and a half and then it goes away, but this time its been too much. I just associate it all with being sick and I want nothing to do with it. Strange thing this cancer.

Anyway, nothing else too exciting going on. Just trying to fit it all in day after day and enjoying the sick free days. I feel good right now. Today I actually had enough energy to organize and clean out the bins in the playroom. Its been along time since ive had that kind of energy.

Its nice to feel normal-even for a day.

Home Stretch

Im on the home stretch and it feels so good!! I cant believe that I only have one more treatment left. It seems like it has been sooo long that I have been dealing with this, but its only been 3 months. This time around was the best yet. Im not saying it was good, but it was mild compared to all the other ones. I didnt throw up this time-not even once. I gagged a little bit-but that was it. Its Monday and im only slightly nasous and im only a little bit tired. Its great!! This time was hard in other ways. Laying in bed is the hardest part. I hate laying there waiting for the days to roll on by. I knew that once Sunday came, that I would be on the tail end of it and I just wanted it to be Sunday. My days consisted of waiting...and feeling like crap, just waiting for it to be over. My body ached all over-jolting bone pain, then it would go away. Then it would come back, then it would go away. Its all such a horrible cycle and I just hope that this chemo is killing this because I am NOT doing this again!!

Last week I had another PET scan. For free!! This lady in my ward works at a hospital that is opening a PET/CT scan department and they needed volunteers that had cancer that would show up on the machine so they could test it. I asked the radiologist if he would be willing to do a compare and contrast to my previous scan to see if things were shrinking. He said yes, but it might take a while. So I am waiting anxiously for those results, but it may be a few days. At my appointment this week, the doctor said he could hardly feel the lumps. Hooray!!
So now its time to play catch up with the cleaning and the lauundry and all that jazz.

My favorite part!!

Im off!!

So im off to chemo #5 in just a few minutes. Im not gonna lie, im extremly anxious and im having a lot harder time this time than any time. Im to the point that thinking about having to lay in bed for the next 4 or 5 days makes me a bit crazy. Having said that, I realize that I only have to do this one more time and then the hard part is over. All I have to do is to keep thinking of that. Its almost over, its almost over!! Im trying to stall if you hadnt guessed-i really, really, really dont want to go. But I guess I must. At least I have a good book to read and 3 hours to relax in a recliner while poison flows through my veins! Positive thoughts-no nausea, no nausea, no nausea. See ya next week!!

Eyes, ears, mouth and nose!

There are alot of things about cancer that I hate-obviously-but this side effect of hair loss has been quite annoying. Im really not complaining much about the head hair loss-that has actually been kinda nice. I can go from shower to out the door in about 10 minutes. I have always HATED doing my hair-so im enjoying NOT having to do it. I just wish I had the guts to go out bald without hats or scarfs. The wig I have is horribly ugly, so I never wear it and I get tired of having something on my head-especially now that its getting hot.

Anywho-back to the other annoying hair loss. When I was told I would lose my hair, my only thought was about the hair on my head. I never really gave much thought about the other hair. Like my eyelashes and eye brows and the hair in my nose(gross I know). I knew that these little hairs were there for a reason, but its not really something you think about. Because my eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, there is nothing there to stop dirt and anything else from getting in my eyes. They are constantly burning and irritated. I look like im crying all the time. Not to mention my eyelids are swollen, so they look huge and they make my no eyelash eyes stick out even more. Thank goodness for glasses!!
So since my eyes water all the time, it makes my nose run. Having no hair in there makes that snot just run on out. I get no warning-it just starts to drip. The positives of this-yes there are some- is that I NEVER have to shave my legs or under my arms or my toes =) I wont lie-its been nice!

As far as side effects go, there have been many. I knew that one of the chemo drugs I am given would cause mouth sores, I just didnt realize that they would last for 2 weeks. My mouth has that feeling you get when you drink way too hot hot chocolate. This time I actually got big sores all over my tounge. Every time I brushed my teeth and tounge, I would bleed. Food didnt taste good and I couldnt even drink water-yuck!!! And this time around, I have been nausous so much more. I still get it everyday-not too bad, but enough to be annoying. I think this next time, I will forgo the patch and try a new IV drug and hope that it works. I think it was the patch that was prolonging my nausea-so im totally done with that.

And the worse side effect of all, I have gained like 10 pounds. They told me that I probably would being on a steroid, but I just thought it wouldnt happen. I just keep telling myself that it is only temporary, but it stinks. Nothing like being fat AND bald.

So Wednesday marks my 5th chemo treatment. While I dont look foward to these, I look forward to marking one more down. I cannot believe that after this I only have ONE more. One-thats it. I can totally do this!! In Utah, my kids school got out on the 29th of May, so I just figured that it was the same here. Its not-its the 21st. The day after my last chemo treatment. I look at all the things that I am missing because of this cancer. I was sick for Averys 2nd birthday, I missed 2 field trips, I missed Easter, I was sick when my sister and her family came to visit, I missed a baby blessing and a sealing. These are just some of the things. I miss out on so much family time and I feel that when i do start to feel better, I have so much to catch up on that I am still missing things. This last round left me a lot more fatigued than before. By the end of the day, I am tired and cranky and my drive to do anything is gone. I know that its temporary and soon enough, my energy will be back and this will all be a thing of the past. I know that I still have a long way to go-a double masectomy, recovery, 6 weeks of radiation and then the start of reconstruction. Hopefully by Thanksgiving or Christmas I will be cancer FREE with a tummy tuck and a boob job. Merry Christmas to me!!

SO...on to #5. I cant wait until I can say that I only have one more. Have a great week!!

It can happen to ANYONE!!

One thing that has helped me through this cancer crap has been reading other peoples stories. I do alot of reading and it makes me feel like I can beat this!! Tonight, I came across a story of a 10 year old girl who was just diagnosed with stage 2A breast cancer. This is so rare and there are no reported cases for her to refer to and her family is searching for an answer. I thought I would post her blog so you could read for yourselves. Maybe there is someone out there who can offer them some advice or has any information.
This just shows that breast cancer can happen to anyone and we really need to educate ourselves and our daugheters about it-prevention and early detection is the key!!
www.ourlittlesweetpea.com

Meeting with the surgeon

I just got back from my first meeting with the surgeon. I never know what to expect going into an appointment with a doctor you have no idea about. With the insurance I have, not too many doctors take it. I think my oncologist had to search for one for a while. That in itself left me feeling unsettled because I dont want to have to "settle" for a doctor- especially a surgeon. First of all, this guy looks just like groucho marks-he even has hair pouring out of his ears. He just kept talking and talking and wouldnt let me get a word in. He kept throwing in all these different scenarios that had nothing to do with my situation-like if I was 60, or if the genetic test was positive or if I was a stage 1 or 2. I was starting to get impatient because I just wanted to talk about MY situation and what MY options were. He talked about the option of doing a double masectomy and I told him that I would prefer to do that because I dont want to deal with this again-and he just kept talking about why it would be good and why it wouldnt and maybe I would prefer to wait a few years and then do it and yada yada yada. I left his office with a tentative surgery date of early June and a huge pit in my stomach. Now what do I do? Do I take it into my hands and find my own surgeon? I asked my oncologist if he knew the surgeon and he said yes he knew him and liked him. I trust my doctor and trust what he says, but im just not sure about this one. I want to do reconstruction also and the surgeon I saw in Utah had said that I could do it at the same time as the masectomy. This doctor is saying that he wouldnt recommend it-that he would wait until after im through with radiation. That would mean that I would have to go back for 2 or 3 more surgerys instead of just one more. There are pros and cons for doing it both ways. The pro of doing it after radiation would be that I could use my own tissue instead of using an implant. That also means a little tummy tuck because they would use the tissue from my stomach, but the con is that I wont have any boobs for like 6 months. Thats awesome-no boobs and no hair-what a woman I will be. I really dont know what to do. I would love to hear any advice or anything that any of you reading this can offer. I know that im not the only one who is or who has faced these same questions.
Anywho...thats where I am right now. I feel good right now and I am going to enjoy the remaining week and a half. I am so behind on laundry and cleaning and organizing and all that jazz-but all I want to do is go out to lunch and hang out! I will be sooo excited to be done with this chemo and stop living in 3 week incriments. My last treatment will be May 20th. Thats not too far away. Have a great day!!!

4 down, 2 to go

I have finished Chemo #4. Just talking about it still makes me nausous. I thought I would include a picture of me in the chemo chair. Not really a pretty sight, but this is what it is. I get to sit in a nice reclining chair while they dump in the poison for about 3 hours.


I wore the patch this time and it actually helped. I wasnt as near sick as i have been and I was actually able to get up a few times throughout the days. I dont know if it was the patch or if my body is just used to it now or a combo of the two, but this time was actually bearable. Im not saying I would like it all the time, but at least I wasnt in a death cloud. This time brought a lot more bone pain than in the past and it was almost too much to take. I like to use the "operation" analagy-you know, the game Operation. I get a nice little electric shock in my bones. Its beyond painful and not at all comfortable, but I still didnt do the pain pill thing. I really didnt want to, but I think I might change my mind.
So 4 down and only 2 to go. Im over half way and that is a great feeling!! Im actually feeling ok tonight. Well enough to sit down and blog anyway. Today being Easter and all, I just couldnt stay in bed all day while my family ate all this good food. My Mom brought in one of her wing back chairs to the table, and i plopped myself in the chair with my pillow and blanket. I even managed to eat a bit. Even though I couldnt do much with my kids, I think they still had a good day.
Heres to a good week!!!

Its party time!!

I am finally getting around to posting some pictures from my awesome hat and scarf party. It was so much fun to see everyone who came. I was spoiled beyond belief, but more than that, I felt so loved and so blessed. People from my ward growing up were there, old high school friends, my super awesome book club, and so many more. I am so blessed to have such a strong support system behind me and I am so thankful for eveyone who came, anyone who has sent a letter, a text, an email or a well wish. Thank you so much for all your love and your support. I really couldnt do this without all of you. And especially, a HUGE thank you to Rachel for putting this together and having it at her house, and also the book club for the food and to anyone else who helped. The night was perfect and I enjoyed myself so much-and it was much needed. So thank you!!!

A picture of the awesome spread
More pictures of the food!!

What was left of the food

I think I really liked the food-i got lots of pictures

I dont think these were meant to be, but I told Julie that they looked like nipples-anyone else think so??? I thought it was appropriate for the night!

3 of my awesome book club gals.

Holly, Laura and her sweet baby boy

Mandy and Abby-whoo whoo for 45th ward!!

The Lomu Sistas. Love you guys!!

More book club girls-Julie and Joni

The hostess with the mostess and her Mama, Lana and Rach

Ok, so I will include one picture of myself but only because Audrey looks so hot!!

Christina and Stacia-two longtime friends. Can you believe these 2 have triplets??

Lana and Cara

Andrea was trying to get me to open up my presents for like an hour and I just kept talking and talking, so she took it into her own hands and started opening them herself. What a gal!! She got some great stuff!

My mom and my sisters, Britney, Jackie, Debbie and Mom

My super awesome book club girls got this rockin hat hair for me. I think I look pretty hot!!

The Worthen girls-more 45th ward. I sure miss that ward!! Judi, Courtney, Wendy and Syd

My sweet Aunt Sandy and my cousin Lynette

Just some of the loot!!

One of the many awesome hats I received!

2 of my best buddies. Nancy and Anney. I have known these girls since I was in diapers

Jessica and Kristin. Some more longtime friends

This picture was the last of the stragglers. Some I have known my whole life and some for about 4 years, but all my favorite girls!!

It was such a fun night and I got so many great things.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Well, better late than never right?? Although this happened quite a bit ago, I still wanted to post these pictures because they mean a lot to me. Shaving my head wasnt as traumatic as I thought it would be, it was actually kind of cool. I think im diggin this hair style because of how easy it is. I was never one to love getting ready and doing my hair, I actually dreaded it, so its really not so bad. I look ugly as sin, but what are you gonna do.

My sweet boys decided to shave their heads along with me. I was out at the store and by the time I got home, Bill had taken matters into his own hands and started shaving without me. Noah and Tyson were already done and he was starting on Caleb.

I think Caleb hates hair cuts more than anyone I know. I was so proud of him for doing this for me!!

Noah and Tyson looking good with their new hairdo's

I was in denial for a while after I cut my hair short. I just wasnt ready to have it all gone. It kept falling out in clumps and it was all over the place, but I just kept putting off the shaving. I think it was the Sunday before this, I was getting ready for church and noticed a HUGE bald spot smack dab in the middle of my head. I thought I had covered it pretty good, but when I got to church, my Mom immeadiatly noticed it. I figured it was time.

The last picture of me with hair...well some of it anyway.

The first swipe. Bill was my hairstylist for the day. I wouldnt recommed him :)

YIKES!!!! Im not so sure about this!

We realized that this was the first time in about 18 years that I didnt have any color on my hair. I never realized how dark my natural really was.

The kids were all standing in front of me and were dying laughing. Avery had just woken up from her nap and came outside to this nice sight-she wasnt so sure.

And the deed is done!! I deccided to wait just a few more days to bic it. I actually didnt mind the shaved looked

The whole shaved head family, plus Avery who was a little nervous at her moms new hair cut

Im so loved by my sweet boys. I was so happy that they all decided to do this for me. I know that Tyson didnt want to because his hair had finally grown out just enough to have a mohawk, but he did it anyway. I have such sweet little boys. I love them so much!!

Good Days

I am such a slacker these days with this blog. I think to myself everyday that I really need to write, but when I go to do it, my brain decides to stop working and I cant think of a single thing to write. We call that Chemo Brain. It really is true that this poison affects every part of my body. My goodness, my brain is a mess. I kind of compare it to the way your brain is after you have a baby times 100. Its crazy. Unless its written down on a sticky note attached to my forehead, I dont give it a second thought. I even forgot about a birthday party that Lani was supposed to go to last Saturday. She was upset but then said it was Ok because I have chemo brain. Sweet thing. But mushy brain aside, things are really good right now. I feel good and have lots of energy-until about 7pm or so anyway. My only issue is sleeping. Some nights I get so restless and sleep is hard to come by. But I will take that anyday.
I just read this book called Miracle of Faith. Its the story of Rex Lee, he was BYU's President for about 6 years and like 100 other big things. He was diagnosed in 1987 with non-hodgkins lymphoma. He lost his battle in 1996, but it was such an inspirational book of faith and perserverance. He had it way worse than anything I will have to face (hopefully), but I felt so inspired by his story because no matter what I face, I will get through it. Even though I feel like things are tough for me, there are a million people who have it worse and I have nothing to complain about. I know its weird to say, but I really am grateful for this trial. I have grown stronger and become closer with my Father in Heaven. I have been able to see what is truly important in life and to not let the little things bother me. On Sunday, the RS lesson was on the talk from the last conference " Come what may and love it". While I dont love this Cancer, this is what I have been given and I will try everyday to learn from this and to find all the positives that have come and will come from this. I really feel so blessed right now!!!