Saturday, September 19, 2009

Herceptin #1

I really didnt know what to expect from my first Herceptin treatment. All I did know, was that I was DREADING walking back into that office. It was all I was expecting and more. The smell, the looooong wait in the waiting room and the anxiety of the chemo room. Trying to find the bright side, I was extremly happy about the fact that when I left it wasnt to go home to wait for the sickness to come. I knew that I may have some body aches and chills but that they would be mild and short lived-nothing a little Tylenol couldnt fix!
It was a strange experience being in that room again, looking at everyone experiencing what I was going through-going through what I HAD gone through. It was a little bit of old and young, a few there for their first and second treatments, and some there for the same thing I was. We were all so different but together in this fight. I have to say that I was happy to be there this time with hair. I think it kinda symbolizes something in that office. Hope.
After sitting in the chair for a few minutes, my nurse came over to give me my name tag and prep my arm for the IV. She handed me a small cup that contained 2 Tylenol. I asked her what it was for and she said it was to take along with the Benedryl that they would give me through the IV before the Herceptin. She told me it might make me a bit sleepy, but acted like it was no big deal. About 3 minutes into the 10 minute drip, the room started to spin. My head felt like a helium balloon and I felt like I was in slow motion. I could hear the people talking around me but none of it made sense. All of a sudden my eyes became super heavy and I was out. The next thing I heard was my machine beeping informing the nurses that I was done. I had slept through the whole 90 minute drip. It was such a wierd feeling to not have any control whatsoever over my body or mind. It wasnt a good feeling like when you take painkillers or a sleeping pill, it was a yucky feeling and I hated it. I drove myself there not expecting anything like this and I was worried that I wasnt going to be able to drive home, but by the time I woke up, I felt better. I was still really loopy and super tired but I knew I could drive home. I think next time I will have to bring someone with me. I came home and crashed for a couple hours. It felt like I had taken a sleeping pill in the middle of the day. So by the time I slept it off, I was wide awake. ALL NIGHT. I think I read a book till 3 or so. Hopefully it will be better next time =)

So anyway, nothing else going on. Im still way tired and no energy. I know that all I need to do is get to the gym everyday and it will help, but its getting there that is the hard part. Im literally drained the second I wake up. I thought this fatigue part would be done by now, but it seems to get worse. I just need to suck it up and do it because I know that over time it will help. Its all a mind game.

I still havent found a primary care Dr. so I havent yet done anything about reconstruction. My skin still isnt healed so I dont feel in that big of a hurry. That will be my goal this week-to find myself a Dr!!! Like I said before, im having a hard time doing anything these days-im still in procrastination mode when it comes to anything medical. Im spent.

On a good note, my hair is extra thick and curly. I dont think I have EVER had this much hair and it has NEVER been one ounce curly. Its kinda nice. I still dont hold too high of hope that it will stay this way, but im enjoing it for the time being. The color is hideous and I am itching to color it. Blonde, red or really dark. Hmm. Whats a girl to do??

Heres to a great week!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Side Effects

There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"


I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.

This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!

So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?

Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.