There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"
I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.
This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!
So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?
Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.
Back to School...Back to School
6 years ago