Thursday, June 4, 2009

Last night with my girls!!

So here I sit on the eve of my surgery, trying to do everything and anything so I dont have to sit and think of tomorrow. I came to a conclusion yesterday...I am very, very good at distraction. If there is something I dont want to do, I sure as heck can find just about anything else to do. I havent really put that much thought into this surgery-to be honest. Of course I have thought about why im having it and what it means and that this may be what completly rids my body of this cancer-all the important things. But what im trying not to think of is the physical part of it. If im being honest, I love my boobs. I was very lucky to be so well endowed. Even though they are saggy and stretchy, they are mine and we have had such a long love/hate relationship. Im scared to let that go. I know all these fears I have are stupid and shallow and I should just be focusing on getting the cancer out of my body, but its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know that I need to face it right now before they are gone, but im scared to think about it. For example, I have been putting off getting a mastectomy bra. I finally decided that it was time yesterday. I went to the mall, not even really knowing what I was looking for. I asked the lady if they carried mastectomy products and she showed me what they had and I immediatly felt overwhelmed. I ended up just grabbing the sports bra that zips in the front for the surgery and left. On my way out, the tears started falling and I started to panic. Just my luck, the first tears I shed about this and im in the mall around perfect strangers. I pratically ran out of there. I got in the car took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and pulled myself together. Its been the same today, I have been so busy that I havent thought about it...much.
Im pretty good with the distractions.
But at some point before tomorrow, im going to have to look it in the eye. I may shed some tears, I know my husband will. Its a sad thing what this cancer does. It took my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, it took me from my family and put me in bed for weeks, it made me gain 10 pounds thanks to the steroids and now its taking the last thing that makes me a woman. I know that boobs dont define me or make me a better person, but they sure are a big part of my appearance as a woman-and now thats gone. Its hard to deal with. I know the fake ones will come at some point, but they arent mine.
Well, enough of that. I dont do well with the negative things. I would rather think of all the positive things that will come from this instead. The cancer being gone, new, perky boobs and a tummy tuck! What gal wouldnt want that!!! Im blessed to be here and blessed to be able to even have this option.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and sent kind words and wishes my way. I really have felt them all and I know that one of the reasons I am able to stay positive is because of them. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

So what to do with my last night. Hmm...We are shipping the kids off to Grandmas. They have been looking foward to this all week. Sleepovers are the best-especially when it invloves Grandma, Ana and Aunt T!! We are no match for them. Then, I think me and the hubby will go out to dinner and celebrate all the good years we have had with the twins. Then im off to book club for some girl time, but I actually have to be home at a decent time. No rollin in at 3 am this month. Its gonna be more like 11pm. Im pretty disciplined. ha ha. Then its time to panic. Im pretty sure there wont be much sleeping going on-so we might have to give the girls a propper goodbye!!! (im sorry-I know that was totally inappropriate-but im all about happy things right now and its my blog, I can write what I want =)!! And you know you were thinking it anyway)
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30 and hoepfully the surgery will start on time at 7:30. Thats early!!



Anna Macfarlane said...

Oh Shelly--good luck and enjoy the night with the girls!

Meagan Kenney said...

Shelly, I have never left a comment on your blog, but have been following it since January. I am Jackie's and Trent's sister in law. I have you on our prayer list at church, we're not LDS... but you've got a bunch of Catholics praying for you! :) Good luck tomorrow, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

-Meagan Kenney

Mike and Deb said...

Hey of luck tomorrow. We love you and are praying for you. I'll be there to see you after work. Even though Debbie and Maddy aren't here this week, I've talked to them and they both send you their love and will see you when they get back home. Love You, Mike.

Mary Taylor said...

Shelly you are too funny!! I thought about you all day as we fasted that all will go well tomorrow. I will see you after the surgery. Good luck with everything! Love you.

Tiare said...

You're too funny.
We've been looking forward to having a slumber party with the kids too. They've been so great. The minute they hit the door we pumped them full of popcorn and cookies and we watched Mickey Mouse cartoons. Avery, Caleb and Tyson were all out before 9 p.m., Lani lasted til about 9:30 and Noah's kicking back watching "Planet Earth". Holly and I took the day off tomorrow and we're taking them to see "Up". No worries about them, we love having them here.
I know all will go well tomorrow. Love you.

Joan said...

I think it's great that you are able to share this very personal experience with all of us so we can see a little bit of what you are feeling. Good luck today. Still keeping you and your family in our prayers.

Mower Power said...

Shelly, I grew up in 45th ward with you, actually remember playing at your house with you and singing "Yankee Doodle Dandee" while twirling batons! I have been following your blog and am amazed at your ability to be so very strong through all of this and keep your sense of humor. You are a blessing to all who read this blog!!! May your surgery go well and may you have some peace!!!

Love, Tawna (Harmon) Mower

Cassie and Chad said...

Oh Shelly you have me bawling like a baby! I hope everything went well and you are in my prayers. You are a strength to all women, I hope you are blessed with a quick recovery.

Katie Tolman said...

Shelley you are my inspiration. I love reading your blog. We miss you all so much. Good luck!! You and your family will be in our prayers. Daxton would love to see Lelani one of these days. It would be fun to get the little buddies back together. Keep in touch. And stay strong!!
The Tolmans

twin2trip said...

How did the surgery go...I can't wait to hear.

Moment of silence for the girls.................................................................

They were more than a handful anyway.

Seriously though I could understand all of your feelings on the matter.

RPH said...

good luck Shelly. I hope all went well. You are amazing