So here I sit on the eve of my surgery, trying to do everything and anything so I dont have to sit and think of tomorrow. I came to a conclusion yesterday...I am very, very good at distraction. If there is something I dont want to do, I sure as heck can find just about anything else to do. I havent really put that much thought into this surgery-to be honest. Of course I have thought about why im having it and what it means and that this may be what completly rids my body of this cancer-all the important things. But what im trying not to think of is the physical part of it. If im being honest, I love my boobs. I was very lucky to be so well endowed. Even though they are saggy and stretchy, they are mine and we have had such a long love/hate relationship. Im scared to let that go. I know all these fears I have are stupid and shallow and I should just be focusing on getting the cancer out of my body, but its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know that I need to face it right now before they are gone, but im scared to think about it. For example, I have been putting off getting a mastectomy bra. I finally decided that it was time yesterday. I went to the mall, not even really knowing what I was looking for. I asked the lady if they carried mastectomy products and she showed me what they had and I immediatly felt overwhelmed. I ended up just grabbing the sports bra that zips in the front for the surgery and left. On my way out, the tears started falling and I started to panic. Just my luck, the first tears I shed about this and im in the mall around perfect strangers. I pratically ran out of there. I got in the car took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and pulled myself together. Its been the same today, I have been so busy that I havent thought about it...much.
Im pretty good with the distractions.
But at some point before tomorrow, im going to have to look it in the eye. I may shed some tears, I know my husband will. Its a sad thing what this cancer does. It took my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, it took me from my family and put me in bed for weeks, it made me gain 10 pounds thanks to the steroids and now its taking the last thing that makes me a woman. I know that boobs dont define me or make me a better person, but they sure are a big part of my appearance as a woman-and now thats gone. Its hard to deal with. I know the fake ones will come at some point, but they arent mine.
Well, enough of that. I dont do well with the negative things. I would rather think of all the positive things that will come from this instead. The cancer being gone, new, perky boobs and a tummy tuck! What gal wouldnt want that!!! Im blessed to be here and blessed to be able to even have this option.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and sent kind words and wishes my way. I really have felt them all and I know that one of the reasons I am able to stay positive is because of them. So thank you, thank you, thank you.
So what to do with my last night. Hmm...We are shipping the kids off to Grandmas. They have been looking foward to this all week. Sleepovers are the best-especially when it invloves Grandma, Ana and Aunt T!! We are no match for them. Then, I think me and the hubby will go out to dinner and celebrate all the good years we have had with the twins. Then im off to book club for some girl time, but I actually have to be home at a decent time. No rollin in at 3 am this month. Its gonna be more like 11pm. Im pretty disciplined. ha ha. Then its time to panic. Im pretty sure there wont be much sleeping going on-so we might have to give the girls a propper goodbye!!! (im sorry-I know that was totally inappropriate-but im all about happy things right now and its my blog, I can write what I want =)!! And you know you were thinking it anyway)
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30 and hoepfully the surgery will start on time at 7:30. Thats early!!
Back to School...Back to School
6 years ago