Sunday, February 8, 2009

Bad Days

I have read a lot about bad days and I knew that I would have them, but when I thought about bad days with me, I really didnt think they would be that bad. How wrong I was. The nurses had told me what to expect, but I really thought I would be different-you see, im kindof a tough chic!! But, i seriously wanted to cry like a baby. I think I would describe it like being morning sick times a million. I had never done the morning sickness thing very well anyway. I HATE to throw up-I hate it more than anything in life, and not being able to control yourself is such a horrible experience. I didnt think I would get hit with the nausea because I had a anti-nausea IV before I got chemo and I had pills that I was taking every 4 hours-not even a dent. I was so sick, i didnt even get out of bed on Friday. I went to book club on Thursday night and had soooo much fun. I think I fell asleep like 5 times. I kept waking up to Julie saying "looks like Shelly fell asleep again" Its such a strange feeling to not be able to have control over your body. Its crazy. On friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. I couldnt move. I had just gotten the neulasta shot on Thursday and the nurse had said I might feel like that. I only left my bed that day to throw up. I really dont even think I went to the bathroom because I couldnt keep anything down. I have this thick, nasty taste in my mouth and food is the very furthest thing from my mind. On Saturday, we had a party for Avery. I cant believe my little monkey is 2. It was so hard to not be able to be in the midst of it all. I had to leave it all up to Bill and my Mom to get everything-thats a hard thing for me to give up my hold on. I had started the day out with a nice morning throw up and I was still so sick. I did the best I could and tried to socialize and just hang out with my family, but I just coudnt. Its things like this that make this so dang hard. I literally cant do all the things that make me the happiest. Bills family provided all the side dishes and that took so much stress off of me. Thanks guys!! Avery had a good time just being the center of attention and ate it all up. She got some cute, cute things-lots of prettys (as she says it). I went to bed for the rest of the day. Luckily, I was able to keep some food down. I have been living on a diet of oatmeal and toast. MMMMM...good. Today was more of the same. I was a bit naseous this morning, but after a pill, my stomach actually calmed down a bit. Today the severe fatigue hit. It is a tired that I have never felt in all my no-sleep-as-a-new-mom-years. It takes so much effort to just lift my arms. It takes effort to hold my kids. It takes effort to smile. I was trying to describe how I felt to Bill and the best I could do was to compare it to a puppet on a string. I dont feel like I have control of my body and the motions. My nerve endings feel like they are on high alert-always giving me little shocks to keep me going. Its a strange sensation.
I dont want to focus on these days. I just want to write about them and then let it go. Bill had said that if everything goes like this for each treatment, then it will only be 5 days of Hell and then the rest good. The very thought of the next treatment put me straight into anxiety-it was weird. Its going to take some serious mind power to keep me focused and keep me on the right track in all of this. I know that this is only temporary, but holy crap its hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and hopefully will do. My sweet cousin came today to take a family picture before my hair falls out (which it did today-clumps after the shower-Yikes!) Im not one for pictures of myself, but im really glad she did that for us. Thanks Gwen!
I will try and update as much as possible, but those bad days make it hard to do anything but curl up in a ball. Heres to GOOD DAYS!!!
**For the record-im sorry if this is jumbled or doesnt make much sense, but that is another side effect. Im kinda all over the place-sorry!!

6 comments:

Mike and Deb said...

Shell, hold on to your courage. You are doing so well and I am so sorry that you have to go through this and that we can't take it away. Live forthe good days. We love you!

Jenny said...

Shelly,you are in my thoughts and prayers constantly! I am so sorry you are going through this! Stay possitive, you're going to get through this!!!! love ya, Jenny

Nancy said...

Hey Shelly- I check out your blog everyday to check in and see how you are doing. I think it is a great idea to document this. You are soooo amazing and a great example to me-a mother of 5 kids also. I want to help with anything but don't want to bother or interfere with your life. If you ever think of anything and my name comes to mind....please call me. Love ya Nancy

Ryan and Holly Gibb said...

Oh Shelly, I'm so sorry you have to be so sick. I think about you a lot and pray for you and your family. Thanks for sharing this experience with us. You are a fighter and I know you will get through this!!

melissa said...

shelly, I came upon your blog from hearing of it through nancy...I feel a bit reluctant to comment to your blog because I don't know you very well and vice versa. But after reading your experiences from the past few weeks I just want you to know that I will be praying for you and your family. You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being so open with your experiences, you seem to have a huge support team of family and friends... but you also have one from those whom you don't know so well and from those whom you don't know at all!!
Love,
Meissa Leatham Gunnell :)

Amy Young Holden said...

Shelly, Hang in there! You are a tough!! Were checking in on your blog daily. Remember your nick name is 10! Hair or no hair you're still a HOT Chick! Love ya
Amy