Friday, January 30, 2009

Just the begining!

I decided to make a separate blog about my time with breast cancer. I wanted to keep my family blog fun and happy and all about my kids. I think this will be a good place for me to write down everything that I go through and all the things I am feeling. I know that this isnt going to be an easy road, but I plan on coming out of this so much stronger than I ever was or ever thought I could be.
I want to start from the beginging-for journal sake.
About a year ago, I found a small, hard lump in my left breast. I was still nursing, so I just wrote it off as a clogged duct. A couple months later when I stopped nursing, it was still there, but then I also found one in my right breast. I knew it was a clogged duct. About a month later, the lump in the right breast went away, but the other one was still there. It just got bigger and harder. I really wasnt that worried about it because I am young, I breast fed all 5 kids and it runs NOWHERE in my family. I also didnt have health insurance-which in hindsight was a STUPID excuse!!While we were in AZ for Christmas, my good friends mom died from breast cancer. I think it scared me a bit-enough to make me tell Bill about it and go the doctor. I went to the OB on Jan 8th (my anniversary) and they sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. That was scheduled for the following tuesday, the 13th. It was such a long weekend. The day finally came and i cant even tell you how nervous I was. We fasted all day and by the time of the appointment, I thought I was going to faint. I was the youngest one in that office by like 30 years-it was so uncomfortable. All I could think of was I should NOT be here-this is crazy. I could see the screen after the pictures were taken and I could definatly see something...BIG. I knew something was up because the lady got a doctor and he took one look and immediatly wanted to do a biopsy. So I went in to the ultrasound room. The lady did an ultrasound and she was taking pictures and measuring things. I was too scared to ask what it was she was measuring, so I just looked up at the ceiling. The doctor came in and did some picture taking of his own. He moved the ultra sound thing over my armpit and up popped 2 big black holes. Uh-oh. Not good. Bill was able to come in for the biopsy and Bill started asking all the questions. What is it? Is it bad? You know, all the things I didnt want to ask. The doctor said it was multiple tumors and that there were also 2 in the lymphnodes. He did a biopsy on the lymphnodes and 2 spots in the breast.
Waiting is the hardest part. Trying to be positive but still wondering. If I didnt have such a strong support system here, I think I would have gone crazy. My mother in law had made plans a while back to come visit during January-she is crazy and she likes the snow and the cold. It just happend that she was coming on the same day as my appointment. She and my sister in law Andrea watched our kids. I was so glad to have her here for this waiting period. She is so calming and it was really good for Bill to have his mom here. I wish I had my mom here too. I think it was worse for my parents not being able to be here-just waiting for news. We were able to stay busy for the 2 days of waiting by going to lunch, I got my hair done, we had family dinner and just hung out. Today we all fasted and tried to stay busy but I had my phone in my hand the whole day just waiting for it to ring, but not really wanting in to. I finally had had enough and called. The nurse said she had the results back but she was waiting for the radioligist to read them and then they would give me a call. I ran to the grocceri store with my sis in law and Mom in law to get some things for dinner-I thought I had about an hour. I was in the hair gel isle when my phone rang. The nurse asked if I would talk to the doctor. When he got on the phone he told me that he was sorry to have to tell me that it was in fact cancer. I really didnt think they were going to tell me over the phone. And to be honest, I really wasnt expecting it to be cancer. Not at all. I had been fasting all day and I literally almost fainted. He kept talking but I really didnt hear much after that. I just wanted to find the others and get out of there. Bill kept calling me, but I couldnt answer. I didnt want to tell him over the phone. Just as we pulled in, the bus was dropping the kids off, so Andrea took them back to her house so Bill and I could talk. Bill called the doctor back to ask some questions since I had no idea what he had said, and I called my parents. My dad has a way of calming me with his words of wisdom and I was so thankful for the things he told me because I really needed to be calmed. The radiologist said that it doesnt look like it has spread anywhere past the lymphnode, but until they do an MRI they wont know. So we praying that it hasnt spread. I have an appointment tomorrow with the surgeon to see what our next step is. Bill has been a rock to me during this time. Bill has some health anxiety and I was really worried what this might do to him, but he has been so great to me and has picked me up when I felt like crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head. I love you babe!!I just wanted to tell everyone how grateful I am-we are- for everyones overwhelming support. My parents have told me how many people have called them and given their support and how many people fasted today in our behalf. People I dont even know, but know my parents and love them. It has been such an amazing experience. I have felt comfort and love and I know its because of all the prayers. Its the scariest time of my life, but its also the most amazing. I have never in my life experienced anything like it-and for that, I am truely grateful. Its all so overwhelming. We told the kids and they are taking it pretty good. Im not sure that they really understand, but it makes me feel better to know that they arent worried. My mom is going to come up next week and stay for a while to help out with the kids during the surgery (and we all know that sometimes you just need your mommy), my sister is coming, as well as my brother and his wife. Just a few hours ago, Bills whole family called and said they are packing up the cars and coming tomorrow. Just like that. And anyone who knows the Lomus knows that they are not spur of the moment kind of people. I feel so loved and so blessed to have family that is willing to drop everything to come and give me the support that I need right now. How could anyone with this much love not have a positive attitude?? I really feel comfort from my Father in Heaven and I know that I will be alright. He is blessing me and my family more than we deserve. I know that this is a novel, but im glad I was able to write it all down so I will remember how I felt. I still have a life and kids and lots of happy things to keep me grounded, so dont expect any doom and gloom here. I have a weird sense of humor. Thanks again and Love to you all!!!

No comments: