Is it true?!

I just got home from the surgeon and received my LAST, yes thats right, LAST injection. This is the last time I have to stretch my skin to its limit, to be in so much pain that it puts me on my knees, bawling, to spend so much time sitting in my stupid recliner heating my back. I am officially done with the expanding process of my reconstruction!!! I cant even tell you how excited I am-cant you tell!!
As soon as they get all the insurance paper work done, and get all the final approvals, then they will call me and get get me scheduled. Im like, can we get this done tomorrow?!
I need to wait at least a week to let this last round do its stretching, so im thinking in the next couple of weeks. I just want it done before spring break so im able to be up and around while my kids are out of school.
I will be doing the silicone gel implants. Its a pretty quick surgery, about 1 1/2 hours if all goes good. Its in an out and the best thing is there are NO DRAINS REQUIRED!!! If anyone has had any sort of drain, then they can tell you what a huge relief that is. Those darn buggers are the most bothersome of the surgery. Im hoping that I will be down a few days and then sore for a few more then back to normal. Just thinking about having normal boobs again makes me so happy. Not to say that fake boobs are normal, but they arent hard rocks that smash every person I come in contact with. My kids and especially my husband will be soooo happy to have something somewhat soft again.

I CANT WAIT!!!

Be strong and Carry on

When I first started this blog, I really wanted to share the details of the day to day with cancer. I wanted to remember what it was like and how I felt and how hard it was for me. I guess I wanted to remember what I had overcome and what I had learned from this trial. For the most part, I have been very honest and have shared details-even the not so good ones. I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Thats why im writing this today. Its time I share whats really going on during this time in my life. I will say in advance that im sorry if I offend anyone. Thats not my intent, I just want to be honest with myself and I want to be real with all of you.

It has officially been a year since I found out that my life would be changed forever. I was happy and we were just about to start a new chapter of our lives in owning our own business. We had plans and it was exciting. I hated Utah and everything about it, but I was truly excited. How quickly everything changed. We ripped up the papers, wrapped up loose ends, packed our house and were gone in a matter of days. We didnt even have time to think or feel. Once here, we dealt with what we had to and that occupied our time. Those first months are a blur. I really didnt feel much-or allow myself to. I knew that I had no other option but to be strong and deal with this head on. My husband was having hard times enough for the both of us, and I knew my only path was to be strong and carry on. Chemo and surgery and radiation took up so much of my time that I was always occupied-my mind was always occupied. Now, I have had a lot of time to think and to feel and it has all caught up with me. All the emotion and stress and worries. To say the least, im a mess.
There is a lot that comes with having cancer, it affects EVERY aspect of your life. For me, at the begining, it was such a positive experience. People from all over the place were coming out of the woodwork to say they loved me and were praying for me. I had constant reminders of love and service. I had never seen anything like it. I received cards and gifts and treats and calls and texts. It was such an example that I will never forget. I will never forget what it felt like to be on the receiving end of such service. It was really hard for me to accept this. Call it a pride thing, but I usually like to be on the other end. This was new for me and it was hard to get used to and it was hard to show my gratitude without feeling stupid. I know thats wierd, but I felt like a burden after a few weeks. I felt like it was getting old real fast and I just wanted it to stop. I just tried to get through it without trying to feel much. I took it one chemo treatment at a time and before I knew it, I was done and on to the next step. I really expected to feel a loss of some sort after my mastectomy, but I didnt. I felt fine. It was actually a relief to have them gone. Radiation came next. It was long and boring, but easy. I couldnt wait for that to be done so I could start the reconstruction process. During radiation, my skin started to get red and irritated. I wasnt allowed to wear any sort of bra of prothstesis because it would irritate the skin. My skin was so sensitive that if there was any friction, it could literally rip the skin. I had to be less than flat chested for the next couple of months. To be honest, it didnt really bother me much...at first. I was really good at ignoring my feelings and putting them off, but everywhere I went I was reminded. People would always ask how I was and how I was feeling and what was next. It was constant. I soon started to feel selfconscious of how I looked. I had no hair, no boobs and I had gained alot of weight. All of a sudden, I started to see myself and all those feelings I had been storing away broke free. What the crap had happened to me. I started to not want to go out or to talk to anyone. I felt hidious. Seriously. I even convinced myself that my husband was totally repulsed by me and thats not good for any marriage. My poor husband-its amazing that he's still here =) I started to feel like I was the pity girl. Its all any one would talk about, it seemed no body knew what to say so they just would ask about cancer. I didnt want to be the charity case.

I thought once I started the reconstruction process, alot of this would go away. I really was never the vain type. I never cared so much about clothes or being stylish, but all of a sudden I was painfully aware that I was far from it. I started to withdraw from everything. I didnt want to do anything. I lost interest in things that I used to love. I guess all signs point to depression. Im too strong to be depressed. I have had boughts before, after I had kids, but I always got through it. I would get through this one. And so I did. I realized that I choose to be happy and thats what I needed to do. Once again, be strong and carry on,

Now it was time to start reconstruction. I couldnt wait. I finally had boobs. It was awesome. The first part of this process was pretty easy. It hurt a little, but i was tough. Just right before Christmas, I recieved an injection that was unlike any other pain I have ever felt. I was bawling my eyes out and nothing I did was relieving my pain. To make matters worse, I couldnt get a hold of my Dr to get pain pills. My next appointment wasnt until after new years. Pure hell is all I can say. Since then, ive had to live off of pain pills and muscle relaxers. Ive never been one to take pills. Ive always refused them after babies and when I get a headache, I would rather suffer through it than take anything. Im dumb, I know, but I just had never felt comfortable taking them. I hate pain pills, I hate the way they make me feel. I hate everything about them-except that they are wonderful in relieving my pain. Everyday, I go through the same fight. I put off taking them until im in so much pain that I cant function. Why?? I have no idea. I guess I just think that I can deal with it without help, like everything else.
Being in constant pain does something to a person. It has changed me. Not for the good. Im cranky, mean, withdrawn, tired, no energy. Im back to not wanting to socialize, or go out, or do anything. I have a hard time doing the things im supposed to do as a mom, wife. Im in more pain than I admit to anyone and its hard. All I want to do is climb in bed and pull the covers over my head. But I cant. I have responsibilities and I have to take care of them. The thing about being sick for so long, is that you have used up the "i need help" card. I feel that I have taken advantage of everyone and all the resources. I dont want to be a burden anymore, to anyone. I just want to feel good and be able to do things on my own. Im not in my own house, I dont have my own things, im not in my normal routines, my kids arent the same. Im so wiped out from pills that I cant even get up in the mornings to get my kids off to school. My husband has taken on that responsibility and he does a great job, but thats what a mom does. And I cant get out of bed. Im completly numb inside and out. Chemo did something to my brain-its like it wiped it clean. I feel dumb as a rock. I dont have the energy to be with my kids or do things with them because I dont feel like I can-I cant teach them because I dont know how or what to teach them. Its all a vicious cycle.

So after a year, what have I learned? That its not as easy as I thought at first. That I didnt have to try and be superwoman. That it is what it is and I should have dealt with it head on instead of trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Its hard dealing with an illness that could potentially kill you. There is always the thought that this could come back and be way more agressive and I would have to do this all over again. All I know right now is that things can only be a bad as you allow them to be. I know that if I focus on this hard time and feel sorry for myself, then im allowing it to win. My cancer may be gone, but its affects are still lingering and will be for quite a while. What do I do now? The only thing I can do...Be strong and Carry on!!

I dont mean to sound so depressing-sorry about that, but I cant even tell you how good I feel now that I have written this all down. I know I am going through this for a reason and when I read this again sometime down the road, I hope to know why and I hope to be able to have learned something great from all this. I know there is a plan and that is why I am able to move on. We all have hard times and this too shall pass.

On boob news, I should only have about 2 fills left to even them out. My radiated side isnt being too cooperative and its just not stretching like we would like it too. Im hoping for the permanent implants to be in by the end of the month. Cross your fingers!!!

Quickness

Just a quick post today. Things seem to be so much busier around this time of year, even though we are still doing the same ol, same ol.
I got word yesterday that my MUGA scan came back clean and my heart is still pumpin away. Thats good to know-all this means is that I can continue to do the Herceptin until my next scan in 4 months.
I just got home from the plastic man and he filled me up nice and good. I usually do 60cc's, but today he did 100 and I feel stretched to the max. It feels like I have an ace bandage wrapped nice and tight around my chest that keeps me from breathing and just for good measure, strapped in a couple elephants. Its great. But, im looking more like I have boobs and less like a boy, although I am a bit lopsided still because the radiated breast isnt wanting to cooperate by stretching. The volume is the same, its just a bit deflated on the top. Are you getting sick of hearing about my boobs yet? I know I am. Im very anxious to just speed things up and get this over with. Wishful thinking, right?
Well, thats all on the cancer front. Things are good and what a blessing it is!!

Whatnots

Not a whole lot going on right now-which is a good thing, right?
These expanders are pure hell (sorry), but they really are. Ive had to really focus on this positive thinking thing and the "end" product. My plastic surgeon said that this process should be pretty pain-less. So either he is full of crap or im just a wuss. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but this is crazy. I have a check up tomorrow, so hopefully he can shed some light on why the pain is so bad.
The other day after I had taken a shower, I noticed that my right side had grown and its actually quite full and round, but still hard as a rock. My left side...not so much. Im a little concerned that the left side (the side that was radiated) is going to have a difficult time stretching. The outer part looks good, but the middle looks deflated and shriveled. (sorry if thats a bit graphic). But today I am wearing a shirt that actually makes it look like I have something to fill it out. Its nice to have that again, even if it is only a size A and im noticably lopsided. I will take it. pain and all!!
So thats the scoop on the girls and all is well with everything else. Im still doing Herceptin and I will be getting a MUGA scan in the next couple weeks. Thats the scan that checks my heart and makes sure its still healthy. There is a small percentage that this Herceptin could damage my heart, so every few months I have to have my heart checked to make sure all is well. Im sure it will be.
Have a good week!!!

I wouldnt say "girls"...

more like infants!!
I just got a peek at the new additions and it wasnt quite what I was expecting. They are quite small, but I guess anything is an improvement.=)
This surgery was so much worse in the pain catagory than the mastectomy. They gave me so much pain medication and it didnt even put a dent in the pain. They probably thought I was the biggest whimp alive. It hurt to breathe and it felt like I had something sitting on my chest. It didnt help that the wrap around my chest was squeezing the life out of me. I cant even explain the pure joy of getting that thing cut off today. Total freedom!!
Im so glad that Bill was able to take Thurs and Fri off of work because I was out of it until yesterday. I was in a pain pill coma. Those things knocked me out for a good couple of hours. There is no way of functioning on those things, but they are totally necessary. I didnt take any today so that I could go to the doctor with a straight head and I was dying by the time I got home. Not so much where the incisions are or even the drains, but in the center of my chest and in my back. I really am a wuss.
I just went back and read what I wrote and I am all over the place. Sorry, im still in a bit of a daze.
The surgery went good-it took about 2 hours and it took a bit longer for me to come out of it and get up in recovery. I went to the Dr today and he said everything looks good. He was only able to put in 120cc's which is like a tiny A. The left side that was radiated isnt stretching too much-so this is going to be a slow process. I go back on Thursday to get the drains out (hopefully). And then from there, I will wait about 10days or so and then he will start the filling process. Hopefully he will be able to do about 75-100 cc's each time. I imagine the final surgery being the begining of the new year.
On a super good note. The Dr had sent some tissue and blood in for testing and it all came back good!!! No cancer re-occurance where he took the sample from! I wasnt really expecting there to be any, but its just nice to know=)
Just a little update but I think its time to go back to bed.
Have a good week!!

Updates and Boobies!!!

My goodness, I have completly lost my drive. I have no desire whatsoever to blog. None.
I go through these kinds of phases every now and then. I still have no desire, but I really need to update all thats going on.

The Herceptin is going good. I have really enjoyed it(is that weird?). I get some Benedryl (sp?) and it makes me feel pretty good. It kicks in in about 3 minutes and its off to sleepy land I go. The next thing I know, im done and on my way home to sleep it off for the rest of the night. My appointments are usually at about 2pm and im done at about 5 or 5:30. I feel bad because they are on Fridays and our night is usually shot. The only drawback is that by 10pm or so, it has worn off and im wide awake until like 2 or 3am. Sat. mornings are usually pretty rough. As much as I enjoy it, I get a bit overwhelmed when I think about having to do this for a year. Yikes!
Anyway.... on to the good news!!
I FINALLY met with a plastic surgeon. Im not quite sure about his name, but I really like him and he is was very informative. His name.....Dr. Wiener(wee-ner). Am I completly childish? I cant help but laugh. I refuse to say it, so I just call him Doc. Im so bummed because I cant get the tram flap procedure (thats the tummy tuck one) because I have to create 2 breasts and this procedure was meant for creating only one. Total bummer. So it looks like I will just have to get silicone implants. You should have seen the "sample" they had in the office. It was like Dolly Parton size and Bill was like "this seems about right". Im not sure exactly what size I will be in the end, that will be determined as I get filled each week. When I like the size that I am, then we will do the permanent implant surgery.
There will be a total of 3 surgerys. The first one, which will take place on Nov. 5th (YEA!!) will be an expander. Its a hard, mesh-like implant that they will fill up with as much saline as my skin will allow right now, which wont be much. Each week, I will drive all the way out to the office and they will fill me up some more. When I get to the size I like, then we put in the permanent implant.(about 2-3 months from now) After I have healed somewhat, then we will do the nipple reconstruction. They take a skin graft from your thigh or butt or somewhere, and they create a nipple. Once that is healed, then they tatoo the areola part and im complete! Its a long process and im really not that patient. I know that for the next few months I will be in pain and be totally uncomfortable, but the end result will be so nice. Its going to be wierd, having these fake boobs. Im not much of a fake person and having these things inside me is going to be strange, but wow, the fact that this can even be done is amazing. Im prepared for the topic of conversation, for a while, to be the new girls. Hello backpain and bras. It has been awesome not having to worry about a bra for a while. But I cant even tell you how excited I am to feel like a woman again. Its been a tough time, these past few months. Its done a lot to my confidance. Im excited to re-build that.
So thats the news these days. I have a good week and a half to prepare. They wanted to do it on the 29th, but I just couldnt give up Halloween with my kiddies. One more week isnt going to hurt, but my patience is definatly being tried=)
Happy Halloween Week!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness

Today starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. Have you done your self check yet?

Its never too early to start!!