What a lovely blogging break. I really needed it. I think I needed to step back from reality and just take a break. My brain hasnt allowed me to think much these past weeks-it still isnt, but im really behind on my journaling, so bare(bear??) with me while I try to make sense of what is in my head.

Having said that...

I am now officially in the throws of radiation. Today was my 9th treatment (only 21 left!) and its going pretty good. The only side effect I can tell is the crazy fatigue. Its pretty bad. If I drank coffee, I think I would need a good 10 cups to keep me going. And it doenst help that im not sleeping either. Idread the night because after I fall asleep I know that in an hour or 2 I will be awake until my alarm goes off at 6. Yes I said 6-and that is a.m. My raditaion time is 6:40 in the morning. I didnt even think doctors offices were open that early. If anyone knows me, they know that I am NOT even close to being a morning person. I think having to get out of bed at 8 is too early. This has been a huge adjustment for me because I am such a night owl. I would never go to bed until 12 or later. I just could never fall asleep early. Now I have to and it stinks. Maybe a mixture of all of this is the making for my restless nights. I asked the doctor about it this morning and he said it was most likely not caused by the raditation but probably from the stress of all that comes with cancer. I think hes probably right. I think it has finally caught up with me. Im still positive about the outcome, but im tired of all that comes with it. The endless doctors appointments and now the day after day after day of the same thing. Driving to the office, getting a lovely gown on, taking the gown off, laying on the table with my arms above my head-completly exposed and waiting for the techs to mark my body with marker so that they can get the red lazer lights perfectly in place. Im not allowed to move and its very hard to breathe and if I breathe too deep the radiation goes farther than intended and thats not a good thing. They are radiating in 4 different spots-the 4 spots that cancer likes to come back first. My breast(or whats left of it), the clavicle, the lymphnodes and the center of my chest. The one in the center is the hardest. They have this big metal thing touching my skin so they can get it as close as possible. I am not allowed to take any deep breaths because it will take the radiation past the chest wall in into the heart. At my first appointment with my radiologist, she told me that some people have a heart that is closer to the chest wall-kinda up against it, but that I didnt need to worry about it because its really uncommon. So when I went back the next day for my first appointment, she informed me that I was one of the few-of course I was. Its not a huge deal, it just changes the way they treat you-its a bit more complicated. But, it is what it is and I can handle 4 more weeks. At least they try to make the room relaxing. On the ceiling they have lights that change color and music playing. Actually, it feels like rock n bowl or something.

I still havent started my herceptin treatments yet. I need a MUGA (heart) scan first and I havent done it yet. They had me scheduled for one but they forgot to call me and let me know when it was. I got a call one morning from the lab saying I had missed my appointment. So I just need to get that scheduled and I can get on with it. Im really not looking forward to that-more time in the chemo room sitting in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours. So fun!

Im in the process of looking for a good plastic surgeon to do my reconstruction. Im not really that excited about starting that process either. Im excited to have boobs again, but not excited to go through all the pain that comes with it. I cant wear a bra of any sort during radiation because anything constricting on that area can cause the skin to rip, so that means I cant wear any prosthesis of any kind because I have nothing to hold them in place, so basically that means i walk around looking like a 10 year old boy. I even got called "sir" at the groccery store. Its great. And going to the pool is awesome-I really look great in my swimsuit-no hair and no boobs make for a hot lady!!!

Anyway, thats what is going on. Just more of the same. Its been a busy month and now its slow and my kids are bored and im excited for school to start. Im hoping that I can get this tired thing under control and get some sleep. If anyone has any suggestions as to a way to have more energy-I would glady accept. Any crazy diet or weird methods are all invited. Ive got to get on some sort of diet to lose weight and to keep this cancer away.

On a good note-my hair is growing back. I now look like I have a short buzz. I think maybe in like 2 months, I may be able to go out without a hat. I left for radiation one morning without a hat and had to go to my appointment with nothing-it felt so wierd, but luckily no one is really out that early. I found a bandana in the office and quickly put it on. I guess im not as comfortable as I thought.
Have a great day!!!