I wouldnt say "girls"...

more like infants!!
I just got a peek at the new additions and it wasnt quite what I was expecting. They are quite small, but I guess anything is an improvement.=)
This surgery was so much worse in the pain catagory than the mastectomy. They gave me so much pain medication and it didnt even put a dent in the pain. They probably thought I was the biggest whimp alive. It hurt to breathe and it felt like I had something sitting on my chest. It didnt help that the wrap around my chest was squeezing the life out of me. I cant even explain the pure joy of getting that thing cut off today. Total freedom!!
Im so glad that Bill was able to take Thurs and Fri off of work because I was out of it until yesterday. I was in a pain pill coma. Those things knocked me out for a good couple of hours. There is no way of functioning on those things, but they are totally necessary. I didnt take any today so that I could go to the doctor with a straight head and I was dying by the time I got home. Not so much where the incisions are or even the drains, but in the center of my chest and in my back. I really am a wuss.
I just went back and read what I wrote and I am all over the place. Sorry, im still in a bit of a daze.
The surgery went good-it took about 2 hours and it took a bit longer for me to come out of it and get up in recovery. I went to the Dr today and he said everything looks good. He was only able to put in 120cc's which is like a tiny A. The left side that was radiated isnt stretching too much-so this is going to be a slow process. I go back on Thursday to get the drains out (hopefully). And then from there, I will wait about 10days or so and then he will start the filling process. Hopefully he will be able to do about 75-100 cc's each time. I imagine the final surgery being the begining of the new year.
On a super good note. The Dr had sent some tissue and blood in for testing and it all came back good!!! No cancer re-occurance where he took the sample from! I wasnt really expecting there to be any, but its just nice to know=)
Just a little update but I think its time to go back to bed.
Have a good week!!

Updates and Boobies!!!

My goodness, I have completly lost my drive. I have no desire whatsoever to blog. None.
I go through these kinds of phases every now and then. I still have no desire, but I really need to update all thats going on.

The Herceptin is going good. I have really enjoyed it(is that weird?). I get some Benedryl (sp?) and it makes me feel pretty good. It kicks in in about 3 minutes and its off to sleepy land I go. The next thing I know, im done and on my way home to sleep it off for the rest of the night. My appointments are usually at about 2pm and im done at about 5 or 5:30. I feel bad because they are on Fridays and our night is usually shot. The only drawback is that by 10pm or so, it has worn off and im wide awake until like 2 or 3am. Sat. mornings are usually pretty rough. As much as I enjoy it, I get a bit overwhelmed when I think about having to do this for a year. Yikes!
Anyway.... on to the good news!!
I FINALLY met with a plastic surgeon. Im not quite sure about his name, but I really like him and he is was very informative. His name.....Dr. Wiener(wee-ner). Am I completly childish? I cant help but laugh. I refuse to say it, so I just call him Doc. Im so bummed because I cant get the tram flap procedure (thats the tummy tuck one) because I have to create 2 breasts and this procedure was meant for creating only one. Total bummer. So it looks like I will just have to get silicone implants. You should have seen the "sample" they had in the office. It was like Dolly Parton size and Bill was like "this seems about right". Im not sure exactly what size I will be in the end, that will be determined as I get filled each week. When I like the size that I am, then we will do the permanent implant surgery.
There will be a total of 3 surgerys. The first one, which will take place on Nov. 5th (YEA!!) will be an expander. Its a hard, mesh-like implant that they will fill up with as much saline as my skin will allow right now, which wont be much. Each week, I will drive all the way out to the office and they will fill me up some more. When I get to the size I like, then we put in the permanent implant.(about 2-3 months from now) After I have healed somewhat, then we will do the nipple reconstruction. They take a skin graft from your thigh or butt or somewhere, and they create a nipple. Once that is healed, then they tatoo the areola part and im complete! Its a long process and im really not that patient. I know that for the next few months I will be in pain and be totally uncomfortable, but the end result will be so nice. Its going to be wierd, having these fake boobs. Im not much of a fake person and having these things inside me is going to be strange, but wow, the fact that this can even be done is amazing. Im prepared for the topic of conversation, for a while, to be the new girls. Hello backpain and bras. It has been awesome not having to worry about a bra for a while. But I cant even tell you how excited I am to feel like a woman again. Its been a tough time, these past few months. Its done a lot to my confidance. Im excited to re-build that.
So thats the news these days. I have a good week and a half to prepare. They wanted to do it on the 29th, but I just couldnt give up Halloween with my kiddies. One more week isnt going to hurt, but my patience is definatly being tried=)
Happy Halloween Week!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness

Today starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. Have you done your self check yet?

Its never too early to start!!

Herceptin #1

I really didnt know what to expect from my first Herceptin treatment. All I did know, was that I was DREADING walking back into that office. It was all I was expecting and more. The smell, the looooong wait in the waiting room and the anxiety of the chemo room. Trying to find the bright side, I was extremly happy about the fact that when I left it wasnt to go home to wait for the sickness to come. I knew that I may have some body aches and chills but that they would be mild and short lived-nothing a little Tylenol couldnt fix!
It was a strange experience being in that room again, looking at everyone experiencing what I was going through-going through what I HAD gone through. It was a little bit of old and young, a few there for their first and second treatments, and some there for the same thing I was. We were all so different but together in this fight. I have to say that I was happy to be there this time with hair. I think it kinda symbolizes something in that office. Hope.
After sitting in the chair for a few minutes, my nurse came over to give me my name tag and prep my arm for the IV. She handed me a small cup that contained 2 Tylenol. I asked her what it was for and she said it was to take along with the Benedryl that they would give me through the IV before the Herceptin. She told me it might make me a bit sleepy, but acted like it was no big deal. About 3 minutes into the 10 minute drip, the room started to spin. My head felt like a helium balloon and I felt like I was in slow motion. I could hear the people talking around me but none of it made sense. All of a sudden my eyes became super heavy and I was out. The next thing I heard was my machine beeping informing the nurses that I was done. I had slept through the whole 90 minute drip. It was such a wierd feeling to not have any control whatsoever over my body or mind. It wasnt a good feeling like when you take painkillers or a sleeping pill, it was a yucky feeling and I hated it. I drove myself there not expecting anything like this and I was worried that I wasnt going to be able to drive home, but by the time I woke up, I felt better. I was still really loopy and super tired but I knew I could drive home. I think next time I will have to bring someone with me. I came home and crashed for a couple hours. It felt like I had taken a sleeping pill in the middle of the day. So by the time I slept it off, I was wide awake. ALL NIGHT. I think I read a book till 3 or so. Hopefully it will be better next time =)

So anyway, nothing else going on. Im still way tired and no energy. I know that all I need to do is get to the gym everyday and it will help, but its getting there that is the hard part. Im literally drained the second I wake up. I thought this fatigue part would be done by now, but it seems to get worse. I just need to suck it up and do it because I know that over time it will help. Its all a mind game.

I still havent found a primary care Dr. so I havent yet done anything about reconstruction. My skin still isnt healed so I dont feel in that big of a hurry. That will be my goal this week-to find myself a Dr!!! Like I said before, im having a hard time doing anything these days-im still in procrastination mode when it comes to anything medical. Im spent.

On a good note, my hair is extra thick and curly. I dont think I have EVER had this much hair and it has NEVER been one ounce curly. Its kinda nice. I still dont hold too high of hope that it will stay this way, but im enjoing it for the time being. The color is hideous and I am itching to color it. Blonde, red or really dark. Hmm. Whats a girl to do??

Heres to a great week!!

Side Effects

There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"

Awesome.

I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.

This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!

So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?

Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

Finished, the next step and whatnot

It feels great to be done!! I love not having to go to a doctors office everyday. I realized, however, that I now have a hate for doctors offices. I dont want to go and it seems that I have to psych myself up for it. I just dont want to go and thats that. But, I have no choice, so I do it anyway-which brings me to my latest appointment with my oncologist.

I especially hate this office the most. I know its all a mind over matter thing but boy my mind is strong. There is just a certain smell in that office and I just cant take it. It was so bad this time that I literally almost threw up-I was swallowing back big time. I just had to breathe out of my mouth. Luckily, my appointment went pretty fast and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. I love my oncologist. He wastes no time in telling it like it is and he always leaves me with a little lecture on diet and exercise. (I know, I know-thats a whole other post) Anyway, things look good. My skin is healing nicely and it has turned into a nice perfect rectangle tan. Its peeling and drying out and it just looks awesome. (im being a bit sarcastic)but it is healing and the sooner it heals the faster I can move on. My heart scan was normal and im all set up to start my Herceptin. I will do it every 3 weeks for the next year. If I stop and think about that I will go crazy. An entire year. That is so long and way too overwhelming. But the good thing is that it doesnt make me sick and there shouldnt be any side effects. Im very happy about that. So my first appointment is Sept 11th and I should be able to do it along with reconstruction with no problems. Now I just need to find myself a plastic surgeon and get the ball rolling. I have a little anxiety about the whole thing because I have heard that it hurts and its a very long process, but I am excited to feel like a woman again.

So thats where I am right now. I feel good and I actually feel normal and energetic.
Its a good feeling.

I can see the light!!

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY of my radiation. I cannot believe it is here already-it really has gone by fast. I am so excited to not have to get up at 6 every morning just to drive through traffic and lay on a table topless for 10 minutes and then drive all the way home. Oh happy day!!!

I really have been lucky as far as side effects go. I have been ridiculously tired and drained to the point of non function, but I consider myself lucky to only be tired. My burn isnt as bad as it could have been-but, a burn is a burn and it HURTS!! This week and some of last week, I started a radiation boost. What that is is a pretty heavy dose on a specific area. The doctor wanted to focus on my scar area because thats the #1 place the cancer likes to come back. It has been brutal. I have only had to deal with really, really bad sunburn like pain, but since the boost, it has tripled the pain and discomfort and it has caused blisters and scabs and all that good stuff.


This is a pretty crappy picture since I took it myself and I was trying to be discret and not show too much, but this is the jist of what my skin looks like in that area. Those marks were drawn every day to help the techs keep the lazers from overlapping into the same areas. I will be so happy to not have to be drawn on with a sharpie day after day.


So, now what?
To be honest, I really dont know. I still havent started the herceptin treatments yet and I still havent met with a plastic surgeon. So im kinda in limbo until I meet with my oncologist and get the ok to move on to the next step. Im sure I will have to have some scans and blood tests to see where things are and im sure there will be a lot of time in between each step. I have heard that I may not be able to have surgery while on herceptin, but im not sure thats true. Thats just something else I will have to ask my Dr. at my next appointment. I know that I dont want to wait a year to start reconstruction, im ready NOW!!! Im so tired of feeling like a boy and feeling not very cute. But cancer is not very cute and Im ready to be done. I dont want to be tired anymore, I dont want to be cranky because I am tired and I just want to be happy.

Here is something that I AM happy about...

Is that hair I see?? Oh yes, and it has come back in full force. Its not long enough yet to make a cute pixie style, but its getting there. Its also growing everywhere else. My arms, my face, my legs. Its great! Its a bit aggresive in some areas, like my face and eyebrows. I really think I have a beard-but thank goodness its blonde. This is all new to me, Ive never been very hairy, but I welcome it.

So thats where I am at this point. Just waiting for the next stage to begin. I am very lucky to have my 5 crazy kids to keep me busy and in the moment. I dont have a lot of time to sit around and think or to feel sorry for myself. In retrospect, I feel very blessed to have been given this trial during this phase of my life. If I was younger, it would have affected my ability to have more kids and if I was older, It would have been harder to handle chemo and raditation and my kids wouldnt have needed me as much as they do now. I think my attitude may have been different as well.

Anyway, I am so excited for tomorrow and you can bet that I am going to celebrate!!!

I just want to thank everyone for their continued words of support and love and especially the prayers on my behalf. I feel blessed everyday and I know its becasue of prayer. So, THANK YOU!!!