It feels so good to be out of bed!!! This round wasnt as bad as the last round but it was just as rough. The patch helped with the nausea just enough that I wasnt puking every time I drank or ate anything. I actually only threw up 1 time-Hooray!!! But I was still pretty nausous and this time the drugs hit me a little differently than usual. I felt, for about 3 days, that I was in a dream world. I was super loopy and dizzy and totally disoriented. And the exaustion feeling...holy cow, it was a struggle just to roll from one side to the other. I also had some pretty bad bone aches from the lovely shot I get the day after chemo. Maybe I just havent really payed attention to all these before I was soooo sick, but the combo of all these didnt make for a nice week. But on the bright side...I didnt have to go to the hospital this time. Thats always a good thing!!!
This time around was the hardest mentally on me so far. I was so discouraged because all I wanted to do was get up and be normal. I was so sick of being sick. I didnt want to be in my bed anymore and I wanted to be up taking care of my kids. It gets stressful having to rely on everyone else to do the things you usually do. This time I spent alot of time worrying if the kids were ok, if the house was clean, if the kids were behaving, if rules were being followed, if the kids were eating what they were supposed to, if Bill was stressed, if chores were being done, if the kids were bored out of their minds (it was spring break), if they were being too loud in the house...blah blah blah. I just kept worrying about everylittle thing because i couldnt do anything about it. I would try and get up and then almost faint. It was really frustrating. I guess now I can see how easy it is to get discouraged and down. I just want to feel good, to feel normal again. I still have sooo long to go and thats hard for me to think about. I dont want to do this again, but I still have 3 more to go. Alrighty, no more of this boo hoo talk. I know that its something I need to do so I will. Thats just how it is, and before I know it, I will be done.
Ive got a lot to catch up on so im off. Have a great day!!

3rd times a charm!!

I cannot believe how time flies!!! It is already time for chemo #3. I have been dreading this day since the day I felt better after #2. Thats probably why it went by so dang fast. The doctor gave me a nausea patch to try this time to see if we can nip it before it starts. I put it on today so that it can have time to get in my system. If this doesnt work, then im just destined to be sick. I have prepared myself this time with netflix movies, a clean room, clean sheets, all the laundry done and hung up and the house and bathrooms cleaned. Its like I know when im going to have a baby and im nesting-or something like that. This round has brought so much anxiety with it. Just the thought of going into that office makes me sick and gives me a headache. BUT, this is round 3 and im half way there!!!! Im half way...only 3 more to go. I can do it, I can do it!!! Its kind of bad timing this time being spring break and all, but luckily my kids are pretty much happy just hangin out. Its hot this week, I think its supposed to be in the 90's, so we will just break out the slip n slide and let them enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.
So I didnt get any pictures downloaded, and now im going to be out of comission for the next few days. Im such a slacker. For some reason I have just been sooo not in the mood to do that. I have been tired and just kind of out of it, and if I had any freetime then i usually spent it reading or resting. So if I am not nausous this time, then I promise I will get those pictures up. I promise!! Have a great week everyone!!

Silver Lining!!

So since it has been about 2 months since I had the BRAC test (the genetic test) done and I still hadnt heard anything, I decided to just call the place and ask if it was back yet. Turns out it had been back since the end of january. Nice. But it turns out that it is NOT genetic. Hip Hip Hooray!! I was so worried because that meant that my girls would have a huge chance of getting Breast Cancer when they got older. Now I know that it was just a crazy thing for me to get it and hopefully no one else in my family will have to deal with this junk.
Sorry about the lack of posting, but its just been hard to get with the program this last week. Now my sister is in town and we are going to hang out for the couple days that she is here-so maybe this weekend I will get those pictures up and running. Have a great day!!

The clouds have parted!!!

It feels so good to be amongst the living once again! Oh my goodness, not a good week. This round of chemo was not a nice friend to me. I think I finally understand why so many people would rather die than do this crap over and over-not that i would rather die, I just understand. I told myself at the begining of all this that no matter how bad I felt I would stay positive and I would always be positive. Sooo much easier said than done. This round was probably 100x's worse than the last. Im guessing its because I already had the poision in my body and this just added to it. Last time i wasnt sick-really sick-until the Friday after, this time, I was sick the day I got it. I have never thrown up so much in my life. I couldnt drink or eat a thing. If I even moved an inch I would throw up-and its the worse kind. Its the nothing in your stomach, not even acid, kind. I was even more nasuous because my stomach was completly empty and I was getting dehydrated. By Sunday I was back in the hospital for some IV fluids and some nausea medicine. The nausea medicine they gave me left me feeling worse than when I got there. Now I was 10x's more nauseous and water logged. Its a sucky combo. One of the drugs they gave me made me so loopy and tired that I could barely walk out of the hospital, but it was like 11pm so I came home and went to bed. The next day, I finally felt better. I was still nausous, but it was managable. I was able to eat some soup and hold down some water. Today is better but im still really tired and nausous. I know that every day will get better and I just have to endure it because its doing what its intended to do and because im sick, I know its working, but its hard and im not good with hard. Just the thought of going back to that place makes me so sick and I get to the point where I think I cant do it anymore, but then I calm down and get it out of my mind then I feel better. If I let myself think too much about it I start to panic big time. I start to think that I have 4 more and its going to get worse and worse each time and the nausea medicine doesnt work (ive tried 3 different kinds)and then im gonna end up back in the hospital each time because I cant hold anything down and blah blah blah. Its all too much for me to handle. Thats why I have to keep myself positive and calm or it gets way out of control. Im going to do so much research on other natural ways to combat the nausea because I cannot do that again. The doctors office gave me a patch for this next time to try, but I have no hope of any medicine working. The ones that I have tried were supposedly the best, but it did nothing. ANYWHO, I feel better today and thats all that matters!!!

I had the funnest "shower" last week and I have tons and tons of pictures. I also have tons of shaving pictures as well, but im still a little out of it so those will have to wait until later when im feeling better. Thank you so much to everyone for the kind words of support and love. They are so appreciated right now and they help to lift my spirits. Thank you and I love you all so much!!

To leave on a positive note, when I had my check up before my chemo last week, the doctor felt the lumps and said that they have shrunk!! I havent had any scans, but just by touch he could tell they were shrinking. YEA!!!

Preparations

Ok, so I still havent shaved my head. Dont ask me why, I just keep waiting for the right moment. There is hair EVERYWHERE!!! I have at least 3 bald spots and my hair is so thin, but I keep holding on. Why? I have NO idea! But, today is the day...for sure this time. I look hideous. I want my kids to be part of the shaving, so we will wait for them to get home from school and then it will be done-just in time for my big party tonight. So, to all party goers...just be prepared and get all your giggles out before hand. Im joking, laugh all you want-i sure will be!!

So today is the "preparation" day. Tomorrow is chemo #2 and im scrambling around trying to get it all done before im sick for a few days. "It" being, blood tests, laundry, cleaning, massages, a stop at Tia Rosas for the last meal (last time it was Ned's), Target, and getting together with all my dear freinds and best supporters ( I am so excited for tonight!! Have I already said that?!) I have so much anxiety for tomorrow and I dread it like I have never dread anything before, BUT I have hope that this time will be much less of a reaction-I have lots of hope or wishful thinking, isnt that the same thing? I guess time will tell. There is a lot going on this weekend and I dont want to miss a thing-Bills cousin adopted a baby from Tonga and they are going to be sealed this weekend, there is a massive Tongan BBQ (soooo much food) and both of Bills cousins are blessing their babies. My sister is coming on Saturday (YEA!!) and Bills brother is coming to visit while his super lucky wife is in Hawaii with her sisters and parents (Hope your having fun Annie!!) Too much to be sick in bed. But just in case I am, I have orderd the first season of Psych from Netflix to keep me occupied. (LOVE that show)
Lots of happenings today to keep me busy and happy. I will have pictures of all the fun times tonight and of the "shaving" Wish me luck!!!

Something new everyday

So I thought that i would have a few more days with hair, but it is rapidly falling out. My head is tender and I cant stop touching it, and when I do I get a nice big chunk of hair. It is making such a mess that i think its time to pull out the clippers. I just cant get myself to do it.
I took a shower today and what a weird experience. I poured a nice big blob of shampoo in my hand and went to wash my hair-but it was gone. I washed it and then looked at my hands covered in hair. I was fully prepared to look in the mirror and see no hair-but its still there-with maybe a few spots here and there. So crazy. Its going to take a while to get used to this-I still feel like my hair is in a pony tail or something. But the good news is...I got a wig yesterday!! Its not really what I had pictured, but im grateful for it because it was free. It was from the American Cancer Society. Its darker than what I have now-but at least its long and its already styled in a cute way. Its a synthetic wig-but it looks cute and real, which was important to me. As far as the comfort factor-it scores a big fat 0!! I need to find a nice little hat to wear underneath it. I will get a picture of it on here as soon as I can find my camera charger-it has mysteriously disappeared.
Today was an "in bed all day"day. Last night I felt really worn, so I went to bed early. I could not for the life of me wake up this morning. I got my kids ready and sent them off to school and then went back to bed until 10:30. I stayed in bed all day. I felt like I had a weight tied to all my muscles-so strange. Its crazy that this chemo has such an effect this late and its weird that it comes and goes the way it does. But I hope its a good sign that its still in there and its still working. I cant believe that i only have 5 more day until my next treatment. Im not ready. But im so excited for my "shower" on Tuesday night. It will be a nice distraction.

I almost forgot...my heart scan came back a couple days ago and it was all good!! Its good to know that my heart is healthy and nothing is standing in the way of the medicine doing what it needs to do. Still waiting on the genetic test. Im starting to think it was misplaced or something-I think its taking way too long.
Anyway, im starting to fall asleep so im off to bed. Have a good weekend!!!

Its gone...well almost

Last night, my hair officially started falling out. I pulled and out it came. I said from the begining that once it started falling out, then I would cut it. I didnt want to deal with large clumps falling out-its way too emotional. So now that the time was here, I started having second thoughts. Im not ready to completly shave it...so I compromised.

Mac, my moms hairdresser, told her that once it started falling out, then call him and he would cut it for me-for free. He is such a nice man. We called him this morning and he got me right in. I really didnt have any idea of what I wanted, so I just let him do what he wanted.

This is Mac telling me that shorter is better. I had to tell him that I didnt agree.

He didnt care!!

And off it goes!!

Holy cow...is it too late to turn back now?!

And here it is!!! Yikes. Please dont laugh at me if you see me on the street!

Its a cute cut, and he did such a good job, I just feel like a boy or a 50 year old mom. Not so cute with the short hair, but this is a good in between and it will let me get used to what is to come. I guess having some hair is better than having none!!

I think the shaving party will be this weekend sometime. Im hoping that cutting it will help me keep it for a few more days. We shall see!!