Army of Women

I feel like I have a lot of time to think these days. Lots of down time and quiet time. I think back to when I got my diagnosis and how weird it was and how unreal it all felt. I still dont feel that this is all real. Bill tells me on a daily basis how im not taking this seriously enough-I say he is taking it seriously enough for the both of us and more!!! But back to my thoughts...I havent yet really reached the point of why. Why is this happening to me. Im not there yet. I havent been that low or down that far to feel that this is something so unfair. To be honest, I have really only seen the good. I will admit that I had a few "bad" days, but even then, I was shown so much love that I was able to get through them. I have never in my life seen this side of charity-it has been never ending. From the second I went to the doctor to now-its still there. I am constantly gettting asked "what can I do to help?" And it has mostly been from people that I dont even know. We had only been in our last ward for about 5 months and we didnt really know anyone-but they all pulled together and brought in meals and helped us move and held a ward fast and offered anything and everything. We are now in my parents ward and have been shown the same. I feel so amazingly blessed. I cant even begin to say what my friends have done. I have loved all the kind words of love and support and i feel so undeserving of it all. To be honest-its all a bit embaressing-ive never been one to love the spotlight.
So back to my thoughts...again. (sorry, I tend to wander) So, I havent been thinking about why me-poor me, but rather why?? Why was I given this trial. We are given trials to learn from and to make us stronger-so What am I supposed to be learing from this? I know for sure that this was meant to happen-that it was me who was supposed to bear this, but why? I look back at the last 10 years and realize that the things that have happened over the years have all happend to make me a stronger person, to help me in this trial. I know that I was blessed with 5 kids so close together for a reason-because im not sure that I will be able to have more kids after all this is over. I know that I was told that it was time to have a baby-even though I wasnt ready, and when I didnt listen, He took matters into His own hands and gave me one anyway. Its awesome to look back and see why things happend the way they did because I never did understand why in the moment. So as I try to look ahead to the future, im asking myself what can I do to make this trial something that will make me grow stronger. I know that when I have read a story about someone going through the same thing, it inspires me. It gives me strengh to know that I can beat this. Could I inspire someone else? I have never really thought about that before. Maybe I could inspire one person-just one, to get a mammogram or go to the doctor over something they arent quite sure about-because if it could happen to me-when I have ALL the odds in my favor-then it could happen to anyone. I know some people and they know people and so on and so on-and I know that I have quite a few people reading this blog and sharing information to others and maybe its now my responsibility to share what I know and share my story. Maybe. What ever the reason, I know that only good will come of this. Its going to be such a long road and its a bit overwhelming to think of, but I know that in the end, something good will come of this-it already has.
So on that note, I have something to share.

Dr. Susan Love told Robin Roberts yesterday on Good Morning America that she’s trying to recruit 1,000,000 women for the Army of Women, a group of women who on a volunteer basis will be part of research efforts aimed at determining what causes breast cancer. All women are invited to participate. Just sign up here. When you do, you’ll get an e-mail about opportunities for being involved.
Love reports that about 200,000 women have signed up so far. She’s got a long way to go to hit that one-million mark. Just like we have a way to go to find that elusive cause of breast cancer. Help if you can.

Not a whole lot to report-which for me is a grand thing!! Im learning a lot about my limits and what I can and cant handle. I have had to learn that just because im feeling better doesnt mean that I can go at it full force like nothing happened, or I will dearly pay for it. Take last night for example. I did laundry, I hung itup, I cleaned and picked up and did homework and helped make dinner-you know, all the things I usually do as a mom and housewife. Right after dinner was in the oven, I started feeling that good ol nausous feeling that has become such a dear friend of mine. I all of a sudden couldnt stand. I went and layed down thinking it would go away-not so lucky. I was so frusterated because I had some serious plans last night. First was an enrichment activity and then I was meeting some friends at Nelsons and you dont bail out on Nelsons. I started having some major stomach pain and i felt that I could throw up at any minute-I think I had overdone it. At least I know now what puts me over the edge and I need to just take more time to rest. Its hard to re-program your mind into thinking its ok to rest during the day-there is a lot that I have to re-program. Im a work in progress.
On Monday night, I went to the ER because I felt like I was being choked. Man, that "cancer card' is nice when it comes to having to wait a long time to be seen. They took me right back and it was actually a quick visit where Emergency rooms are concerned. It turns out I was just dehydrated. I had low blood pressure and my esphogus was irritated. Strange side effects these poisions have. After an IV, some anti-nausea medicine and some nasty tasting sick juice, I left feeling soooo much better. Its amazing what liquid does to your body. I guess I need to drink more. whoops
Today I waited for 45 minutes to get some blood drawn and after that, i couldnt wait anymore because I had another appointment. I had even made an appointment so I wouldnt have to wait-they forgot about me amongst the hundreds that were waiting to be seen-so I said I would come back after my scan. I then went in for my MUGA scan. I have been having some heart flutters, so this was a scan that I couldnt put off. I went and just paid cash for it. I know it will be worth it to have some piece of mind that my heart is tip top. I will sort it out with the insurance later. I guess im still a little dehydrated because they could not find a vein to draw any blood from. They poked me like 4 times before they found one in my wrist. I can only use my right arm and it is pretty much used up. For this scan, they take blood and then mix it with some radio active stuff and let it mix for like 40 minutes, then they inject it right back in and take pictures of my heart to make sure its working properly. I should get the results in a couple days. After that I headed back to the lab to get more blood taken. They took me right back-thank goodness or I might have made a scene. They couldnt find a vein either. They poked and wiggled and holy crap it hurt. She finally used the same vein they had used earlier. Did you know that if you poke the same vein over and over again, it BURNS. It took a lot to not scream at her. Its not her fault. But no more pokes until next week-its time for my arm to have a break.
Thats all for today!!

Things always look better in the morning!

What a difference a day makes!! Oh my gosh-today is such a better day. I felt a little naseous this morning, but other than that, I feel good! I have been up and around doing laundry and playing outside with the kids. Its such a good feeling to be back in the swing of things. I am still tired and I get dizzy being up, but its so much more manageable. I can do this!! I can do 5 days of hell for even one day of feeling good-its so worth it and I know that I can do it. Its kindof like the pain of childbirth-you forget it for a reason-so you want to do it again. I WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!! I want this cancer gone so bad that I will do it again, and again. Just dont ask me DURING the 5 day hell fest!!
So this week holds more of the same-more blood tests and hopefully the heart scan that I wasnt able to get last week. This insurance thing is turing into a nightmare, poor Bill, he is taking it all head on and he is the one dealing with all the idiots. I really love that guy!! Also, I hope to meet with the American Cancer Society rep at the hospital to discuss wig options. I said I was going to shave my head at the first sign of falling hair, but I guess im a little more attached to my hair than I thought. It may be thin and scragly, but its still mine and I think I will keep it-even if it is for another week. I think I will cut it short to lessen the mess and then I will shave it when it REALLY starts to fall out. I think Bill and the boys are all going to shave theirs as well-it will be one big shaving party!! So fun, I can hardly wait!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Bad Days

I have read a lot about bad days and I knew that I would have them, but when I thought about bad days with me, I really didnt think they would be that bad. How wrong I was. The nurses had told me what to expect, but I really thought I would be different-you see, im kindof a tough chic!! But, i seriously wanted to cry like a baby. I think I would describe it like being morning sick times a million. I had never done the morning sickness thing very well anyway. I HATE to throw up-I hate it more than anything in life, and not being able to control yourself is such a horrible experience. I didnt think I would get hit with the nausea because I had a anti-nausea IV before I got chemo and I had pills that I was taking every 4 hours-not even a dent. I was so sick, i didnt even get out of bed on Friday. I went to book club on Thursday night and had soooo much fun. I think I fell asleep like 5 times. I kept waking up to Julie saying "looks like Shelly fell asleep again" Its such a strange feeling to not be able to have control over your body. Its crazy. On friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. I couldnt move. I had just gotten the neulasta shot on Thursday and the nurse had said I might feel like that. I only left my bed that day to throw up. I really dont even think I went to the bathroom because I couldnt keep anything down. I have this thick, nasty taste in my mouth and food is the very furthest thing from my mind. On Saturday, we had a party for Avery. I cant believe my little monkey is 2. It was so hard to not be able to be in the midst of it all. I had to leave it all up to Bill and my Mom to get everything-thats a hard thing for me to give up my hold on. I had started the day out with a nice morning throw up and I was still so sick. I did the best I could and tried to socialize and just hang out with my family, but I just coudnt. Its things like this that make this so dang hard. I literally cant do all the things that make me the happiest. Bills family provided all the side dishes and that took so much stress off of me. Thanks guys!! Avery had a good time just being the center of attention and ate it all up. She got some cute, cute things-lots of prettys (as she says it). I went to bed for the rest of the day. Luckily, I was able to keep some food down. I have been living on a diet of oatmeal and toast. MMMMM...good. Today was more of the same. I was a bit naseous this morning, but after a pill, my stomach actually calmed down a bit. Today the severe fatigue hit. It is a tired that I have never felt in all my no-sleep-as-a-new-mom-years. It takes so much effort to just lift my arms. It takes effort to hold my kids. It takes effort to smile. I was trying to describe how I felt to Bill and the best I could do was to compare it to a puppet on a string. I dont feel like I have control of my body and the motions. My nerve endings feel like they are on high alert-always giving me little shocks to keep me going. Its a strange sensation.
I dont want to focus on these days. I just want to write about them and then let it go. Bill had said that if everything goes like this for each treatment, then it will only be 5 days of Hell and then the rest good. The very thought of the next treatment put me straight into anxiety-it was weird. Its going to take some serious mind power to keep me focused and keep me on the right track in all of this. I know that this is only temporary, but holy crap its hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and hopefully will do. My sweet cousin came today to take a family picture before my hair falls out (which it did today-clumps after the shower-Yikes!) Im not one for pictures of myself, but im really glad she did that for us. Thanks Gwen!
I will try and update as much as possible, but those bad days make it hard to do anything but curl up in a ball. Heres to GOOD DAYS!!!
**For the record-im sorry if this is jumbled or doesnt make much sense, but that is another side effect. Im kinda all over the place-sorry!!

1 down-5 to go!!

I am officially full of poision! It didnt really feel like I was being injected with toxins, it just felt like I had an IV with saline or something-except one of the drugs is so toxic, that they have to slowly hand push it in because if it touches your skin, it will burn you. I have that going through my veins right now. Its crazy!! Besides being tired from a sleepless night the night before(apparantly you arent supposed to take the day before chemo drug right before bed..noted)I felt good. I came home and took a nice nap. I started having some heart palpataions and I started getting a slight fever and my chest felt tight. Uh-oh-not a good start. I had fully expected to not feel a thing for at least a few days, but I guess everyone responds differently. After my nap, I felt a bit better. Bills whole famly came over and brought pizza and treats. They brought me a cute, comfy sweat suit, a body pillow and a cuddly bean bag pillow. They are the best!! I started feeling a bit nausous and couldnt eat. My dad made me a super foods smoothie-it was seriously better than any Jamba Juice. He puts in protein powder, oatmeal, peanut butter (just for me) a bananna, and some berries. Doesnt sound good-but it was yummy and just what I needed. After everyone left, I just needed to lay down. I took a nausea pill (which didnt help an ounce). I was curled up in a ball on the bed just trying to hold the barf in. It was a bit discouraging to feel this way so fast, but after a good talk with my dad, he helped me to stay in perspective. I need to stay positive and understand that I am sick because these drugs are killing this cancer and thats a very good thing. I can see how you can get discouraged so quickly-things change when you just dont feel good. Im so blessed to have such a great support team to always be there for me to help pick me up when i need it.
Today is a better day. I feel a little nausous, but I had a great sleep thanks to sleeping pills. So now im off today to get my MUGA scan and then to get the dredded Neulasta shot. Ive heard this one is a killer, but its necessary to boost my blood cell counts. So im off. Have a great day!! I know I plan too!!

Tomorrow's the Day

So tomorrow is the big day. My first Chemo treatment. I thought it was going to be on Friday, but I was able to get in tomorrow. They had been holding back a little bit due to some insurance issues... as in we have no insurance, but that is just crazy. Im not going to let this spread and kill me all because of a few hundred thousand$$$. Whats money, right?? We will get all that figured out eventually, but in the meantime, I will start the fight. I am a little nervous-I wont lie. Im scared to lose my hair, im scard to be nausous, im scared to throw up, im scared to be so tired that I cant play with my kids, im scared to inject loads and loads of poisnious toxins into my body and im scared of how my body will react. What if it doesnt work? What if it makes me so sick i end up in the hospital? what if it works and them it comes back and i have to do it all over again? There are so many things that are going through my mind, BUT I know there is a reason why this is done. I know that im going to be full of posion, but its killing the cancer. i would rather not be able to play with my kids for a measly 6 months or so than to never play with them again. This is only temporary, and we will all get through it. Im so grateful that I have soooo much help. I know its going to be a burden, but I just need to accept the help and be grateful I have it. This is the begining of a long road, but i am so ready!!! Like my sister in laws said... Cancer picked the wrong beotch!!! Love you all

Dont you just love my new header?? Thanks to Ashly Lark for coming up with this super cute addition!! Thanks Ashly!! I love it!