Updates at what nots!

**Maybe I forgot to make a note of this, but I changed my family blog address. Its not a private blog, but I was having some issues with some wierd guy, so I changed it a while back. If your interested, its thelomuseven.blogspot.com or you can click on the sidebar link.

I know that I said I was done with this blog, but I really dont want to do any cancer posts on my family blog, especially when im talking about boobs. Not really family sort of material!

So, I guess my first order of buisness would be to say that...I AM OFFICIALLY, 100%, CANCER FREE!! Hallelujah!! I really feel so blessed to be rid of that nastiness. To know that the medicine did its job and to know that all the prayers on my behalf worked and that its gone! I had a PET scan a couple weeks ago. My Dr wasnt going to do one because I wasnt having any symptoms and he thought there was no reason too. I had a difference of opinion, and told him I was going to do one. So..he gave in and I was able to have one. Its such a relief to just have that peace of mind and know that every headache or backache is just that. Its a great feeling!!

The same day that I found out that my scan was clean, my sweet cancer friend found out that she wasnt so lucky. Her scan showed cancer had spread during chemo and radiation and even after a mastectomy. I was happy for me, but had a hard time celebrating knowing that she, who had the same treatments as me, with the same Dr, was just begining her fight all over again. She recently just found that it has spread to her lungs, so please send prayers and good wishes her way as she starts this crap all over again.

On to boob news...I recently went in to the plastic guy to start the next and final stage of my reconstruction. I had kind of put it off because I was waiting for my left side to drop and relax a little more. But as time went on, it just became tighter and more uncomfortable. I read a few cancer blogs, and on one of them, she explained about a process she went through because the radiation had burned her skin so bad and there was no way to stretch it. I emailed her and asked her more about it and then I researched it on my own. It seemed that this procedure just might be for me!! So during the Dr appt, I was waiting for him to bring up other options before I told him how to do his job.

He never did.

I kept hinting and hinting that I wasnt happy with being COMPLETELY lopsided and I was in pain all the time, but he basiclly told me that it is what it is and unfortunatly, radiation ruins the skin. So, before I punched him in the face and told him I was going elsewhere, I brought up this procedure. He was all like, "Oh yea, the dorsi flap procedure, that would significantly help the look and feel". SERIOUSLY?!? Why on earth was I the one to bring up this totally, obvious solution? He is a great Dr and he does really good work, but seriously? What the crap? I asked him if it would be worth it to go to all that trouble and pain, and would it really make that big of a difference and he told me that it would be awesome and that I would notice a 75-90% change in elasticity. Well, thats great! Im glad that I could do all the work for you!

Im not bitter...i sware! Im really grateful that there is an option for me that will work and relieve some of this pain.

As a background, my left breast, or what was left of it, was the side that was radiated. It burned me pretty bad and pretty much ruined my skin. It feels like leather to touch it. During the recon. phase, my right side did great with the expanding, but my left side just wasnt budging. After the implants were in, it still didnt move. My right side looks awesome!! It almost feels like the real thing...almost! But my left side, looks like a square. Its almost flat against my chest, and during these last 7 months since the surgery that my skin was supposed to relax and soften, it has only gotten worse. Its tight and it hurts to wear a bra or touch around it and its hard and just uncomfortable. I didnt want to settle. I was sure there was another way to fix this. Of all the reconstruction stories that I have heard about, I had never heard one that ended in complete lopsidedness and pain. Im seriously an A on one side and a C on the other. I didnt go through all this pain to end up like this.

So anyhow, my surgery is on Monday!! And I couldnt be more thrilled! Here's what will happen...He will cut all that bad, radiated skin off and he will replace it with skin from my back. They will take a nice chunk of skin and muscle and make a new boob from that. I will still have the implant in, and hopes are that it will allow the implant to be what it is and not stuff it in my chest wall. So I should be pretty close to even on both sides. Right now, the implant I have in my left side is bigger than the one in my right, but you would never know...Its just one flat, square, pancake. Its a more invloved surgery than the other ones and I will be in the hospital for a day or 2. My birthday is on Tuesday, so I will spend my bday in the hospital...YAY! Whats a birthday when your this old anyway...I will just celebrate this weekend.

I almost forgot, I am DONE with Herceptin!! This is what I have been doing for the last year. Its a low dose chemo that I did every 3 weeks at the hospital. So I am offically done with all things chemo and medication related. Now if I can just get this reconstruction done, then I will finally be able to put all of this behind me. It has been a looong year and half. I did chemo from Feb-May, then the mastectomy in June, then radiation started in August-September. Then I started Herceptin 1x/every 3 weeks for the next year, and then the start of my my reconstruction(October) which included the initial surgery to place the expanders and then going to the plastic surgeon each week for 3 months to get injected with saline to fill me up (worse part of the whole cancer experience...worse pain EVER) from Nov-Jan. Then, the permanent implants in Feb. Still doing Herceptin and ended that in August. Now its September and I will do another surgery and when im healed from this, and if all goes well, then I will complete the reconstruction with one more surgery in Dec. sometime. And in all of this, I had Dr appts, checkups, blood work, and MUGA(heart) scans(5 in the past year). AHHH, just thinking of it all overwhelms me. How grateful I am to be on the end of this. I truly feel so blessed that I had the strength and faith to get through it all. I couldnt have done it without my Savior, and I really couldnt have done it without all the help, the prayers, the love and support from everyone!

Anyway, im not one for mushy, so THANK YOU!!
I am so glad I took the time to write all this out. I was just gonna do a quick update, but once I started writing, it just kept coming. Im glad I will have this for my journal. I tend to ramble, so sorry about that.
I will try to update about the surgery when I can move and maybe I will post some pictures of my gnarly scar on my back. Oooh, I bet you can hardly wait!!
Til then...

Whoops!!

I just realized that I never updated after my doctors appointment 2 weeks ago. I really thought I had and I just looked on here and realized I hadnt. Whoops!!

Things are good and im feeling great. I am slowly starting to get my energy back and feeling normal. I still have my low energy days, but I dont think thats too out of the ordianry being a mom and all. Its amazing what new boobs will do for ya-even if they are slightly uneven =)

On that note, I walked into that appointment mad as heck and ready to tear into him, but I totally chickened out and decided to be nice about it. He explained in detail why they looked the way they did and he gave me hope that they would not always look this way...and he was right. I can already tell a difference. He said that over time the left side will relax and even out, but it will never look like the same and I needed to be realistic. I understand that raditation ruined my skin and it will never be normal-it will always feel hard and leathery and he did the best he could under those circumstances. I believe him. I think he did a great job and im happy with what I have. They are just boobs afterall.

The next step is the nipple reconstruction. Im not really sure what steps have to be taken for this, but im not really worried about it. I have an appointment this next week to get the stitches out of the left side and im sure we will talk about what comes next. Im excited to just get this over with. I cant even tell you how sick I am of doctors appointments and driving and taking time out to go. I can handle the once every 3 week Herceptin, but anything else just drives me crazy. I cant even stand to take my kids. Avery has been due for her 3 year check up for a month and I just keep putting it off. Im lame.

Anyway, everything else is good and I love being on the end side of all this crap. This whole last year seems like a blur and I cant even believe all I went through. I think I just erased it all so I could move on. I dont remember much so I just count it as a year lost but now things are back on track and its great. Im looking foward to Easter this year because last year I was so sick and I missed out on so much. I look foward to alot. This last year took so much of me and I found it hard to do the small and simple things, like hang out and play with my kids. I just didnt have the energy or the drive. Its a strange feeling to be complely zapped of everything, even when I felt good. I love feeling alive again. Maybe its the weather, I love the warmth and the sun and it makes me happy. =)

I dont really feel the need to dwell on this cancer crap so I probably wont write on here anymore, not that I was a regular or anything, but I feel I need to move on and focus on good things. I might still update here and there, but now that im on the end of this, I want it to be the end. I created this blog so I could make it the focus and record what I was going through. I didnt want this to take away from my family blog, so I made it its own. I think I can incorporate the two now. This is where my life is and im hoping that cancer will make less and less an impact. I will still live with some effects from this blasted disease and I will always have to maintain and do tests and blood work and all that to make sure it doesnt come back, but its just maintenace and I dont think it needs its own blog. Besides, im soooo not on the ball enough to keep 2 blogs. Have you noticed how lacking my family blog has been. Im just now starting to get caught up on the last year. I think my last post was on an event that took place around halloween. Im pretty with it these days.

I have loved this blog and I am so glad that I had a place that made it easy to journal and keep record of all I went through and keep people informed who cared. Thank you so much for all the support over this year and for all the prayers and well wishes. I felt every single one. Im not one for the mushy, but I really am so grateful for all the meals and treats and notes and phone calls and texts and the many, many countless acts of service that came my way. I hope to be able to pay that foward and always be on the giving side of service. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and allowed me to endure this trial to make me a better person and more compasionate and more willing to serve others. He showed me miracle after miracle and answered my many prayers and he continues to do so. I am happy, healthy and so grateful for another chance at life.
If you really care to keep up on my oh so intersting life, then please feel free to stop by my family blog. Hopefully I will get it updated soon, but its spring break and I dont have much time to blog. But soon, I promise!!
Adios!!!

All that...for this????!!

Its been 4 days since the big surgery. I feel pretty good, only a bit sore on the right side and really sore on the left, but good overall. I was able to take the bandage off yesterday.

Not good.

Not good at all.

I dont know exactly what I was expecting, but what I saw wasnt even close. Its horrible. I know im sounding way over dramatic, but I just figured it would look somewhat close to normal. The right side had been overstretched and now the skin is saggy. He had to put in smaller implants because of the left sides refusal to stretch, but I had no idea how much smaller. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, they are only boobs afterall, but all that pain to be right back where I started. I think I am a big A or small B-somewhere in that area. With the expanders in, I was at least a small C. Im not sure why they are so small, I havent yet been to the Dr, but I sure plan on speaking my mind. I went through over 3 months of pure hell and pain like I have never known and I assumed I would be a nice size. I am still lopsided and I dont match. He said that he had to cut down fartther to make more room so the implant wouldnt expand under my arm. It kind of looks like a ramp of some sort. I guess it all came down to waiting to do the reconstruction until after radiation. That radiation ruined my skin and made it into leather and there is no give whatsoever.
I am grateful to still be alive and even if I knew I would look like this at the end, I still would have had the mastectomy, but I guess I had false hope. I guessed that I would have nice, perky girls as a result of all this crap I had gone through. Not so.

When I first saw how they looked, I cant even tell you how I felt. I started bawling and I couldnt stop for hours. I got myself dressed and jumped back in bed and pulled the covers over my head. Bill came in a while later to check on me and found me crying. I wouldnt show him at first, I was so embarressed. It took a few minutes before I would show him, but he told me they looked fine and we knew that the left side would look different. He calmed me down a bit, but it took most of the day for me to calm down and stop crying. I had never cried, really, from the mastectomy. I knew that it was only temporary and that soon, I would look like a woman again. Even with the expanders in, I knew that it was only temporary. Now, this is permanent. This is how they will look forever. This is the final product. I just couldnt handle it. I still am in shock and this will take a while to get used to. Im not sure if I will ever feel comfortable in a swim suit and I will have to get a bra that will make me look even. I wasnt expecting this.

I am supposed to meet with the Doctors office in the next couple days, so hopefully he can help me, but im sure if there was something he could do, then he would have done it.

But on the bright side, my chest feels a hundred times lighter and I can breathe again. I plan on being up and around in the next few days and back to normal things. I will feel sorry for myself for a while, but it will pass, it always does.

Its Official!!

A week from today, the girls will be here!!!

I cant wait!!

Is it true?!

I just got home from the surgeon and received my LAST, yes thats right, LAST injection. This is the last time I have to stretch my skin to its limit, to be in so much pain that it puts me on my knees, bawling, to spend so much time sitting in my stupid recliner heating my back. I am officially done with the expanding process of my reconstruction!!! I cant even tell you how excited I am-cant you tell!!
As soon as they get all the insurance paper work done, and get all the final approvals, then they will call me and get get me scheduled. Im like, can we get this done tomorrow?!
I need to wait at least a week to let this last round do its stretching, so im thinking in the next couple of weeks. I just want it done before spring break so im able to be up and around while my kids are out of school.
I will be doing the silicone gel implants. Its a pretty quick surgery, about 1 1/2 hours if all goes good. Its in an out and the best thing is there are NO DRAINS REQUIRED!!! If anyone has had any sort of drain, then they can tell you what a huge relief that is. Those darn buggers are the most bothersome of the surgery. Im hoping that I will be down a few days and then sore for a few more then back to normal. Just thinking about having normal boobs again makes me so happy. Not to say that fake boobs are normal, but they arent hard rocks that smash every person I come in contact with. My kids and especially my husband will be soooo happy to have something somewhat soft again.

I CANT WAIT!!!

Be strong and Carry on

When I first started this blog, I really wanted to share the details of the day to day with cancer. I wanted to remember what it was like and how I felt and how hard it was for me. I guess I wanted to remember what I had overcome and what I had learned from this trial. For the most part, I have been very honest and have shared details-even the not so good ones. I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Thats why im writing this today. Its time I share whats really going on during this time in my life. I will say in advance that im sorry if I offend anyone. Thats not my intent, I just want to be honest with myself and I want to be real with all of you.

It has officially been a year since I found out that my life would be changed forever. I was happy and we were just about to start a new chapter of our lives in owning our own business. We had plans and it was exciting. I hated Utah and everything about it, but I was truly excited. How quickly everything changed. We ripped up the papers, wrapped up loose ends, packed our house and were gone in a matter of days. We didnt even have time to think or feel. Once here, we dealt with what we had to and that occupied our time. Those first months are a blur. I really didnt feel much-or allow myself to. I knew that I had no other option but to be strong and deal with this head on. My husband was having hard times enough for the both of us, and I knew my only path was to be strong and carry on. Chemo and surgery and radiation took up so much of my time that I was always occupied-my mind was always occupied. Now, I have had a lot of time to think and to feel and it has all caught up with me. All the emotion and stress and worries. To say the least, im a mess.
There is a lot that comes with having cancer, it affects EVERY aspect of your life. For me, at the begining, it was such a positive experience. People from all over the place were coming out of the woodwork to say they loved me and were praying for me. I had constant reminders of love and service. I had never seen anything like it. I received cards and gifts and treats and calls and texts. It was such an example that I will never forget. I will never forget what it felt like to be on the receiving end of such service. It was really hard for me to accept this. Call it a pride thing, but I usually like to be on the other end. This was new for me and it was hard to get used to and it was hard to show my gratitude without feeling stupid. I know thats wierd, but I felt like a burden after a few weeks. I felt like it was getting old real fast and I just wanted it to stop. I just tried to get through it without trying to feel much. I took it one chemo treatment at a time and before I knew it, I was done and on to the next step. I really expected to feel a loss of some sort after my mastectomy, but I didnt. I felt fine. It was actually a relief to have them gone. Radiation came next. It was long and boring, but easy. I couldnt wait for that to be done so I could start the reconstruction process. During radiation, my skin started to get red and irritated. I wasnt allowed to wear any sort of bra of prothstesis because it would irritate the skin. My skin was so sensitive that if there was any friction, it could literally rip the skin. I had to be less than flat chested for the next couple of months. To be honest, it didnt really bother me much...at first. I was really good at ignoring my feelings and putting them off, but everywhere I went I was reminded. People would always ask how I was and how I was feeling and what was next. It was constant. I soon started to feel selfconscious of how I looked. I had no hair, no boobs and I had gained alot of weight. All of a sudden, I started to see myself and all those feelings I had been storing away broke free. What the crap had happened to me. I started to not want to go out or to talk to anyone. I felt hidious. Seriously. I even convinced myself that my husband was totally repulsed by me and thats not good for any marriage. My poor husband-its amazing that he's still here =) I started to feel like I was the pity girl. Its all any one would talk about, it seemed no body knew what to say so they just would ask about cancer. I didnt want to be the charity case.

I thought once I started the reconstruction process, alot of this would go away. I really was never the vain type. I never cared so much about clothes or being stylish, but all of a sudden I was painfully aware that I was far from it. I started to withdraw from everything. I didnt want to do anything. I lost interest in things that I used to love. I guess all signs point to depression. Im too strong to be depressed. I have had boughts before, after I had kids, but I always got through it. I would get through this one. And so I did. I realized that I choose to be happy and thats what I needed to do. Once again, be strong and carry on,

Now it was time to start reconstruction. I couldnt wait. I finally had boobs. It was awesome. The first part of this process was pretty easy. It hurt a little, but i was tough. Just right before Christmas, I recieved an injection that was unlike any other pain I have ever felt. I was bawling my eyes out and nothing I did was relieving my pain. To make matters worse, I couldnt get a hold of my Dr to get pain pills. My next appointment wasnt until after new years. Pure hell is all I can say. Since then, ive had to live off of pain pills and muscle relaxers. Ive never been one to take pills. Ive always refused them after babies and when I get a headache, I would rather suffer through it than take anything. Im dumb, I know, but I just had never felt comfortable taking them. I hate pain pills, I hate the way they make me feel. I hate everything about them-except that they are wonderful in relieving my pain. Everyday, I go through the same fight. I put off taking them until im in so much pain that I cant function. Why?? I have no idea. I guess I just think that I can deal with it without help, like everything else.
Being in constant pain does something to a person. It has changed me. Not for the good. Im cranky, mean, withdrawn, tired, no energy. Im back to not wanting to socialize, or go out, or do anything. I have a hard time doing the things im supposed to do as a mom, wife. Im in more pain than I admit to anyone and its hard. All I want to do is climb in bed and pull the covers over my head. But I cant. I have responsibilities and I have to take care of them. The thing about being sick for so long, is that you have used up the "i need help" card. I feel that I have taken advantage of everyone and all the resources. I dont want to be a burden anymore, to anyone. I just want to feel good and be able to do things on my own. Im not in my own house, I dont have my own things, im not in my normal routines, my kids arent the same. Im so wiped out from pills that I cant even get up in the mornings to get my kids off to school. My husband has taken on that responsibility and he does a great job, but thats what a mom does. And I cant get out of bed. Im completly numb inside and out. Chemo did something to my brain-its like it wiped it clean. I feel dumb as a rock. I dont have the energy to be with my kids or do things with them because I dont feel like I can-I cant teach them because I dont know how or what to teach them. Its all a vicious cycle.

So after a year, what have I learned? That its not as easy as I thought at first. That I didnt have to try and be superwoman. That it is what it is and I should have dealt with it head on instead of trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Its hard dealing with an illness that could potentially kill you. There is always the thought that this could come back and be way more agressive and I would have to do this all over again. All I know right now is that things can only be a bad as you allow them to be. I know that if I focus on this hard time and feel sorry for myself, then im allowing it to win. My cancer may be gone, but its affects are still lingering and will be for quite a while. What do I do now? The only thing I can do...Be strong and Carry on!!

I dont mean to sound so depressing-sorry about that, but I cant even tell you how good I feel now that I have written this all down. I know I am going through this for a reason and when I read this again sometime down the road, I hope to know why and I hope to be able to have learned something great from all this. I know there is a plan and that is why I am able to move on. We all have hard times and this too shall pass.

On boob news, I should only have about 2 fills left to even them out. My radiated side isnt being too cooperative and its just not stretching like we would like it too. Im hoping for the permanent implants to be in by the end of the month. Cross your fingers!!!

Quickness

Just a quick post today. Things seem to be so much busier around this time of year, even though we are still doing the same ol, same ol.
I got word yesterday that my MUGA scan came back clean and my heart is still pumpin away. Thats good to know-all this means is that I can continue to do the Herceptin until my next scan in 4 months.
I just got home from the plastic man and he filled me up nice and good. I usually do 60cc's, but today he did 100 and I feel stretched to the max. It feels like I have an ace bandage wrapped nice and tight around my chest that keeps me from breathing and just for good measure, strapped in a couple elephants. Its great. But, im looking more like I have boobs and less like a boy, although I am a bit lopsided still because the radiated breast isnt wanting to cooperate by stretching. The volume is the same, its just a bit deflated on the top. Are you getting sick of hearing about my boobs yet? I know I am. Im very anxious to just speed things up and get this over with. Wishful thinking, right?
Well, thats all on the cancer front. Things are good and what a blessing it is!!

Whatnots

Not a whole lot going on right now-which is a good thing, right?
These expanders are pure hell (sorry), but they really are. Ive had to really focus on this positive thinking thing and the "end" product. My plastic surgeon said that this process should be pretty pain-less. So either he is full of crap or im just a wuss. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but this is crazy. I have a check up tomorrow, so hopefully he can shed some light on why the pain is so bad.
The other day after I had taken a shower, I noticed that my right side had grown and its actually quite full and round, but still hard as a rock. My left side...not so much. Im a little concerned that the left side (the side that was radiated) is going to have a difficult time stretching. The outer part looks good, but the middle looks deflated and shriveled. (sorry if thats a bit graphic). But today I am wearing a shirt that actually makes it look like I have something to fill it out. Its nice to have that again, even if it is only a size A and im noticably lopsided. I will take it. pain and all!!
So thats the scoop on the girls and all is well with everything else. Im still doing Herceptin and I will be getting a MUGA scan in the next couple weeks. Thats the scan that checks my heart and makes sure its still healthy. There is a small percentage that this Herceptin could damage my heart, so every few months I have to have my heart checked to make sure all is well. Im sure it will be.
Have a good week!!!

I wouldnt say "girls"...

more like infants!!
I just got a peek at the new additions and it wasnt quite what I was expecting. They are quite small, but I guess anything is an improvement.=)
This surgery was so much worse in the pain catagory than the mastectomy. They gave me so much pain medication and it didnt even put a dent in the pain. They probably thought I was the biggest whimp alive. It hurt to breathe and it felt like I had something sitting on my chest. It didnt help that the wrap around my chest was squeezing the life out of me. I cant even explain the pure joy of getting that thing cut off today. Total freedom!!
Im so glad that Bill was able to take Thurs and Fri off of work because I was out of it until yesterday. I was in a pain pill coma. Those things knocked me out for a good couple of hours. There is no way of functioning on those things, but they are totally necessary. I didnt take any today so that I could go to the doctor with a straight head and I was dying by the time I got home. Not so much where the incisions are or even the drains, but in the center of my chest and in my back. I really am a wuss.
I just went back and read what I wrote and I am all over the place. Sorry, im still in a bit of a daze.
The surgery went good-it took about 2 hours and it took a bit longer for me to come out of it and get up in recovery. I went to the Dr today and he said everything looks good. He was only able to put in 120cc's which is like a tiny A. The left side that was radiated isnt stretching too much-so this is going to be a slow process. I go back on Thursday to get the drains out (hopefully). And then from there, I will wait about 10days or so and then he will start the filling process. Hopefully he will be able to do about 75-100 cc's each time. I imagine the final surgery being the begining of the new year.
On a super good note. The Dr had sent some tissue and blood in for testing and it all came back good!!! No cancer re-occurance where he took the sample from! I wasnt really expecting there to be any, but its just nice to know=)
Just a little update but I think its time to go back to bed.
Have a good week!!

Updates and Boobies!!!

My goodness, I have completly lost my drive. I have no desire whatsoever to blog. None.
I go through these kinds of phases every now and then. I still have no desire, but I really need to update all thats going on.

The Herceptin is going good. I have really enjoyed it(is that weird?). I get some Benedryl (sp?) and it makes me feel pretty good. It kicks in in about 3 minutes and its off to sleepy land I go. The next thing I know, im done and on my way home to sleep it off for the rest of the night. My appointments are usually at about 2pm and im done at about 5 or 5:30. I feel bad because they are on Fridays and our night is usually shot. The only drawback is that by 10pm or so, it has worn off and im wide awake until like 2 or 3am. Sat. mornings are usually pretty rough. As much as I enjoy it, I get a bit overwhelmed when I think about having to do this for a year. Yikes!
Anyway.... on to the good news!!
I FINALLY met with a plastic surgeon. Im not quite sure about his name, but I really like him and he is was very informative. His name.....Dr. Wiener(wee-ner). Am I completly childish? I cant help but laugh. I refuse to say it, so I just call him Doc. Im so bummed because I cant get the tram flap procedure (thats the tummy tuck one) because I have to create 2 breasts and this procedure was meant for creating only one. Total bummer. So it looks like I will just have to get silicone implants. You should have seen the "sample" they had in the office. It was like Dolly Parton size and Bill was like "this seems about right". Im not sure exactly what size I will be in the end, that will be determined as I get filled each week. When I like the size that I am, then we will do the permanent implant surgery.
There will be a total of 3 surgerys. The first one, which will take place on Nov. 5th (YEA!!) will be an expander. Its a hard, mesh-like implant that they will fill up with as much saline as my skin will allow right now, which wont be much. Each week, I will drive all the way out to the office and they will fill me up some more. When I get to the size I like, then we put in the permanent implant.(about 2-3 months from now) After I have healed somewhat, then we will do the nipple reconstruction. They take a skin graft from your thigh or butt or somewhere, and they create a nipple. Once that is healed, then they tatoo the areola part and im complete! Its a long process and im really not that patient. I know that for the next few months I will be in pain and be totally uncomfortable, but the end result will be so nice. Its going to be wierd, having these fake boobs. Im not much of a fake person and having these things inside me is going to be strange, but wow, the fact that this can even be done is amazing. Im prepared for the topic of conversation, for a while, to be the new girls. Hello backpain and bras. It has been awesome not having to worry about a bra for a while. But I cant even tell you how excited I am to feel like a woman again. Its been a tough time, these past few months. Its done a lot to my confidance. Im excited to re-build that.
So thats the news these days. I have a good week and a half to prepare. They wanted to do it on the 29th, but I just couldnt give up Halloween with my kiddies. One more week isnt going to hurt, but my patience is definatly being tried=)
Happy Halloween Week!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness

Today starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. Have you done your self check yet?

Its never too early to start!!

Herceptin #1

I really didnt know what to expect from my first Herceptin treatment. All I did know, was that I was DREADING walking back into that office. It was all I was expecting and more. The smell, the looooong wait in the waiting room and the anxiety of the chemo room. Trying to find the bright side, I was extremly happy about the fact that when I left it wasnt to go home to wait for the sickness to come. I knew that I may have some body aches and chills but that they would be mild and short lived-nothing a little Tylenol couldnt fix!
It was a strange experience being in that room again, looking at everyone experiencing what I was going through-going through what I HAD gone through. It was a little bit of old and young, a few there for their first and second treatments, and some there for the same thing I was. We were all so different but together in this fight. I have to say that I was happy to be there this time with hair. I think it kinda symbolizes something in that office. Hope.
After sitting in the chair for a few minutes, my nurse came over to give me my name tag and prep my arm for the IV. She handed me a small cup that contained 2 Tylenol. I asked her what it was for and she said it was to take along with the Benedryl that they would give me through the IV before the Herceptin. She told me it might make me a bit sleepy, but acted like it was no big deal. About 3 minutes into the 10 minute drip, the room started to spin. My head felt like a helium balloon and I felt like I was in slow motion. I could hear the people talking around me but none of it made sense. All of a sudden my eyes became super heavy and I was out. The next thing I heard was my machine beeping informing the nurses that I was done. I had slept through the whole 90 minute drip. It was such a wierd feeling to not have any control whatsoever over my body or mind. It wasnt a good feeling like when you take painkillers or a sleeping pill, it was a yucky feeling and I hated it. I drove myself there not expecting anything like this and I was worried that I wasnt going to be able to drive home, but by the time I woke up, I felt better. I was still really loopy and super tired but I knew I could drive home. I think next time I will have to bring someone with me. I came home and crashed for a couple hours. It felt like I had taken a sleeping pill in the middle of the day. So by the time I slept it off, I was wide awake. ALL NIGHT. I think I read a book till 3 or so. Hopefully it will be better next time =)

So anyway, nothing else going on. Im still way tired and no energy. I know that all I need to do is get to the gym everyday and it will help, but its getting there that is the hard part. Im literally drained the second I wake up. I thought this fatigue part would be done by now, but it seems to get worse. I just need to suck it up and do it because I know that over time it will help. Its all a mind game.

I still havent found a primary care Dr. so I havent yet done anything about reconstruction. My skin still isnt healed so I dont feel in that big of a hurry. That will be my goal this week-to find myself a Dr!!! Like I said before, im having a hard time doing anything these days-im still in procrastination mode when it comes to anything medical. Im spent.

On a good note, my hair is extra thick and curly. I dont think I have EVER had this much hair and it has NEVER been one ounce curly. Its kinda nice. I still dont hold too high of hope that it will stay this way, but im enjoing it for the time being. The color is hideous and I am itching to color it. Blonde, red or really dark. Hmm. Whats a girl to do??

Heres to a great week!!

Side Effects

There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"

Awesome.

I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.

This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!

So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?

Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

Finished, the next step and whatnot

It feels great to be done!! I love not having to go to a doctors office everyday. I realized, however, that I now have a hate for doctors offices. I dont want to go and it seems that I have to psych myself up for it. I just dont want to go and thats that. But, I have no choice, so I do it anyway-which brings me to my latest appointment with my oncologist.

I especially hate this office the most. I know its all a mind over matter thing but boy my mind is strong. There is just a certain smell in that office and I just cant take it. It was so bad this time that I literally almost threw up-I was swallowing back big time. I just had to breathe out of my mouth. Luckily, my appointment went pretty fast and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. I love my oncologist. He wastes no time in telling it like it is and he always leaves me with a little lecture on diet and exercise. (I know, I know-thats a whole other post) Anyway, things look good. My skin is healing nicely and it has turned into a nice perfect rectangle tan. Its peeling and drying out and it just looks awesome. (im being a bit sarcastic)but it is healing and the sooner it heals the faster I can move on. My heart scan was normal and im all set up to start my Herceptin. I will do it every 3 weeks for the next year. If I stop and think about that I will go crazy. An entire year. That is so long and way too overwhelming. But the good thing is that it doesnt make me sick and there shouldnt be any side effects. Im very happy about that. So my first appointment is Sept 11th and I should be able to do it along with reconstruction with no problems. Now I just need to find myself a plastic surgeon and get the ball rolling. I have a little anxiety about the whole thing because I have heard that it hurts and its a very long process, but I am excited to feel like a woman again.

So thats where I am right now. I feel good and I actually feel normal and energetic.
Its a good feeling.

I can see the light!!

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY of my radiation. I cannot believe it is here already-it really has gone by fast. I am so excited to not have to get up at 6 every morning just to drive through traffic and lay on a table topless for 10 minutes and then drive all the way home. Oh happy day!!!

I really have been lucky as far as side effects go. I have been ridiculously tired and drained to the point of non function, but I consider myself lucky to only be tired. My burn isnt as bad as it could have been-but, a burn is a burn and it HURTS!! This week and some of last week, I started a radiation boost. What that is is a pretty heavy dose on a specific area. The doctor wanted to focus on my scar area because thats the #1 place the cancer likes to come back. It has been brutal. I have only had to deal with really, really bad sunburn like pain, but since the boost, it has tripled the pain and discomfort and it has caused blisters and scabs and all that good stuff.


This is a pretty crappy picture since I took it myself and I was trying to be discret and not show too much, but this is the jist of what my skin looks like in that area. Those marks were drawn every day to help the techs keep the lazers from overlapping into the same areas. I will be so happy to not have to be drawn on with a sharpie day after day.


So, now what?
To be honest, I really dont know. I still havent started the herceptin treatments yet and I still havent met with a plastic surgeon. So im kinda in limbo until I meet with my oncologist and get the ok to move on to the next step. Im sure I will have to have some scans and blood tests to see where things are and im sure there will be a lot of time in between each step. I have heard that I may not be able to have surgery while on herceptin, but im not sure thats true. Thats just something else I will have to ask my Dr. at my next appointment. I know that I dont want to wait a year to start reconstruction, im ready NOW!!! Im so tired of feeling like a boy and feeling not very cute. But cancer is not very cute and Im ready to be done. I dont want to be tired anymore, I dont want to be cranky because I am tired and I just want to be happy.

Here is something that I AM happy about...

Is that hair I see?? Oh yes, and it has come back in full force. Its not long enough yet to make a cute pixie style, but its getting there. Its also growing everywhere else. My arms, my face, my legs. Its great! Its a bit aggresive in some areas, like my face and eyebrows. I really think I have a beard-but thank goodness its blonde. This is all new to me, Ive never been very hairy, but I welcome it.

So thats where I am at this point. Just waiting for the next stage to begin. I am very lucky to have my 5 crazy kids to keep me busy and in the moment. I dont have a lot of time to sit around and think or to feel sorry for myself. In retrospect, I feel very blessed to have been given this trial during this phase of my life. If I was younger, it would have affected my ability to have more kids and if I was older, It would have been harder to handle chemo and raditation and my kids wouldnt have needed me as much as they do now. I think my attitude may have been different as well.

Anyway, I am so excited for tomorrow and you can bet that I am going to celebrate!!!

I just want to thank everyone for their continued words of support and love and especially the prayers on my behalf. I feel blessed everyday and I know its becasue of prayer. So, THANK YOU!!!

So you think you can dance!!!

Is anyone else obssesed with this show?? I LOVE it.
Last nights performance had me in tears and I wanted to share it for those of you who are hiding under a rock. Its just beautiful.
Enjoy here!!

What a lovely blogging break. I really needed it. I think I needed to step back from reality and just take a break. My brain hasnt allowed me to think much these past weeks-it still isnt, but im really behind on my journaling, so bare(bear??) with me while I try to make sense of what is in my head.

Having said that...

I am now officially in the throws of radiation. Today was my 9th treatment (only 21 left!) and its going pretty good. The only side effect I can tell is the crazy fatigue. Its pretty bad. If I drank coffee, I think I would need a good 10 cups to keep me going. And it doenst help that im not sleeping either. Idread the night because after I fall asleep I know that in an hour or 2 I will be awake until my alarm goes off at 6. Yes I said 6-and that is a.m. My raditaion time is 6:40 in the morning. I didnt even think doctors offices were open that early. If anyone knows me, they know that I am NOT even close to being a morning person. I think having to get out of bed at 8 is too early. This has been a huge adjustment for me because I am such a night owl. I would never go to bed until 12 or later. I just could never fall asleep early. Now I have to and it stinks. Maybe a mixture of all of this is the making for my restless nights. I asked the doctor about it this morning and he said it was most likely not caused by the raditation but probably from the stress of all that comes with cancer. I think hes probably right. I think it has finally caught up with me. Im still positive about the outcome, but im tired of all that comes with it. The endless doctors appointments and now the day after day after day of the same thing. Driving to the office, getting a lovely gown on, taking the gown off, laying on the table with my arms above my head-completly exposed and waiting for the techs to mark my body with marker so that they can get the red lazer lights perfectly in place. Im not allowed to move and its very hard to breathe and if I breathe too deep the radiation goes farther than intended and thats not a good thing. They are radiating in 4 different spots-the 4 spots that cancer likes to come back first. My breast(or whats left of it), the clavicle, the lymphnodes and the center of my chest. The one in the center is the hardest. They have this big metal thing touching my skin so they can get it as close as possible. I am not allowed to take any deep breaths because it will take the radiation past the chest wall in into the heart. At my first appointment with my radiologist, she told me that some people have a heart that is closer to the chest wall-kinda up against it, but that I didnt need to worry about it because its really uncommon. So when I went back the next day for my first appointment, she informed me that I was one of the few-of course I was. Its not a huge deal, it just changes the way they treat you-its a bit more complicated. But, it is what it is and I can handle 4 more weeks. At least they try to make the room relaxing. On the ceiling they have lights that change color and music playing. Actually, it feels like rock n bowl or something.

I still havent started my herceptin treatments yet. I need a MUGA (heart) scan first and I havent done it yet. They had me scheduled for one but they forgot to call me and let me know when it was. I got a call one morning from the lab saying I had missed my appointment. So I just need to get that scheduled and I can get on with it. Im really not looking forward to that-more time in the chemo room sitting in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours. So fun!

Im in the process of looking for a good plastic surgeon to do my reconstruction. Im not really that excited about starting that process either. Im excited to have boobs again, but not excited to go through all the pain that comes with it. I cant wear a bra of any sort during radiation because anything constricting on that area can cause the skin to rip, so that means I cant wear any prosthesis of any kind because I have nothing to hold them in place, so basically that means i walk around looking like a 10 year old boy. I even got called "sir" at the groccery store. Its great. And going to the pool is awesome-I really look great in my swimsuit-no hair and no boobs make for a hot lady!!!

Anyway, thats what is going on. Just more of the same. Its been a busy month and now its slow and my kids are bored and im excited for school to start. Im hoping that I can get this tired thing under control and get some sleep. If anyone has any suggestions as to a way to have more energy-I would glady accept. Any crazy diet or weird methods are all invited. Ive got to get on some sort of diet to lose weight and to keep this cancer away.

On a good note-my hair is growing back. I now look like I have a short buzz. I think maybe in like 2 months, I may be able to go out without a hat. I left for radiation one morning without a hat and had to go to my appointment with nothing-it felt so wierd, but luckily no one is really out that early. I found a bandana in the office and quickly put it on. I guess im not as comfortable as I thought.
Have a great day!!!

FINALLY...

A bit of good news. Actually, its a bit of GREAT news!
Today I had my appointment with my oncologist to go over the results of the pathology report from my surgery. Let me start from the top...
Monday I had my first follow up with my surgeon. I was prepared to beg with all my might so that he would take out the drains. I had had it. I just couldnt take it anymore. I knew that there was a really good chance that at least the left drain would stay in because I was still having a ton of drainage, but to my complete surprise, he said that they were ready to come out!! Holy cow, I have never been so excited to feel the ripping pain of those drains being pulled out. And pain it was. I really didnt know what to expect-I just knew it was going to hurt. Luckily, I was still numb so i didnt feel the stiches coming out, but oh my heavens, I felt those drains being pulled on then yanked as they ripped through muscle and tissue. I thought I might die for those brief seconds-but they are out and I am feelin good!!! It has taken a good part of this week for the swelling to decrease, but today I noticed a big change. The swelling is down and my arms have almost reached normal position down by my side. I dont look like a body builder anymore. I am still having pain and numbness on the backs of my arms and my arm pits are still completly numb as well as the stitches where the breast were removed and around that area. I still dont have full range of my arms-I cant reach and stretch them like before. I think that is just something that im going to have retrain my muscles to do. Hopefully the plastic surgeon can do something about that when I begin reconstruction. But its nice to feel a bit normal again.
The surgeon then told us about the pathology report. He started off by saying that it wasnt the news he was hoping to hear. I think Bill about had a heart attack. He said that 3 of the 7 lymphnodes that were tested came back positve for cancer. He was hoping that the large size of the nodes were the result of scar tissue-but they werent. I didnt panic, I knew that it was my oncologist that I needed to talk to, not the surgeon. Bill, on the other hand, paniced enough for the both of us. Hes funny like that.

So, that brings us to today. My Dr came in and said he was extremly happy with the report. He said that they were able to get all the cancer-thanks to the chemotherapy. He said that since the tumor and surrounding little spots were so reduced in size, it made it possible to get it all. He wasnt the least bit worried about the 3 nodes that tested positive. He just kept saying that he was so pleased that the chemo did its job and that my body was very receptive. Thank you body!! So as far as im concerned, I AM CANCER FREE!!! Its such a great feeling. I feel so lucky to be in this position. At the begining of all this, things didnt look good at all. Now look where I am. I have a great Dr and he has done such a marvelous job. I am convinced that I have been greatly blessed by a higher power-EXTREMELY blessed!! And of course I wouldnt be here without the many, many prayers that have come my way. What an experiece this has been. I know that the hard part is over-now its on to the maitenece part of all this. I should hear back next week as to when I will start the radiation and I will also start my Herceptin treatments. I knew from the begining that I would have to do the Herceptin because of me having the HER 2 gene, but I always thought it was a shot. I was informed today that this is an IV treatment that will take about 1hr and 45 min to recieve. So, im back to the chemo schedule. 1 day every 3 weeks for the next year. Its a bit discouraging to know that for the next year i have to deal with this, but I guess I would rather deal with this than have to deal with cancer again.
So thats where I am. Still a long road, but im prepared and ready.

Its a great day!!!

Update

I cant believe its been a week since the surgery. Time goes by so fast when you measure it by tv shows. Im so sick of being down and in bed-so today, I actually got out of the house. I guess it wasnt a real getting out of the house since I only stayed in the car, but it was nice to drive again anyway.
I am about ready to rip these darn drains out of the holes they are stiched into. I would say the pain is kinda like a sunburn mixed with total irritation of the skin. You know when you wear a cap sleeve shirt that rubs just under your arms-like that. So annoying. Im still draining tons of fluid so I know that im going to have to keep these things in a bit longer. I go see the surgeon on Monday and hopefully he will take out the stiches and these blasted drains.
I meet with my oncologist on the 19th and we should get my radiation scheduled-sooner rather than later-but it all depends on the healing of the wounds and the surrounding tissue. If you try to do radiation on tissue that is not strong, then you have a good chance of burning a hole right through it. Not a good thing.
Not much else going on. The kids are bored out of there minds. They all get home from lessons by 10:30 and since we are homebound they get bored really easy. Poor kids. Lots of TV and rock band. Hopefully next week we will be able to get out more and stay busy. Its been hard to not be able to play with them or do small simple things for them. I cant move my arms much, so even making them a meal is out of the question. How thankful I am for my mom for steping up this past week to take care of my kiddies for me. She has done everything from changing the diapers to lunch and dinner and all the cleaning and picking them up from lessons. Poor thing is so worn out, but she has not once complained and Im so grateful for her and all she has done for me. Tonight was the first night we had to figure out dinner. We have been brought dinner from ladies in our ward all week. Its been so nice.
All I can say is im glad that I wont have to do this again for a while!!!

And their off!!

What a strange experience surgery is. I had never had surgery before, so I really didnt know what to expect. I had read some other blogs of women who have had mastectomys, but other than that I was clueless. All that worring over nothin. I had a great night before surgery. After Bill dropped the kids off at his moms, we met at Oregenos. YUM!! I got the Pablo Picasso salad and Bill got some sandwhich. I think we were both really nervous because we only ate half our meals. Even though we werent hungry, we still ordered a pizookie because you cant go there without getting one. What a waste-we only ate half of it-well I only ate half of it. Then, I headed straight to book club. They are the sweetest bunch of girls ever!! Julie had made this sign that said "good luck Shelly" with bras and "feel your boobies" ribbons, and balloons put together to look like boobs. So dang cute! After a couple hours of good conversation, I headed home to finish getting ready and then "cuddled" with the hubby and then suprisingly fell asleep and slept really good until the alarm went off at 4:30. After registering and getting in my awesome hospital gown, the drug man came in and gave me some good stuff to help me relax. Thats about the last thing I remember until I woke up. Bill said I was laughing at the doctor, but I dont remember that. When I woke up I was in soooo much pain that I was rolling back and forth and moaning. I vaugely remember "kinda" crying. I think it was more like a child does when they are fake crying. I was just coming out of the fog and still acting really wierd. Nothing they gave me was working so they found something stronger and it worked like a charm. I went right back to sleep and woke up in my room with Bill and my parents. I still was hurting a lot and I went to feel my chest and there was nothing. Such a wierd feeling. Its a hard emotion to explain. The doctor had said that the lymph nodes were larger then he thought, but he thinks it might just be scar tissue from the cancer that was there. We are hoping thats what it is and that the cancer is gone from the nodes. We should find out tomorrow or Wednesday.
So anyway, the pain medicine wore off pretty quick, so they gave me more. About and hour later, it had wore off, but they can only give it to you every 4 hours. About a half hour later, I threw up. Then I threw up again, and again. By the end of the night we realized I was having a reaction to the morphine. So they gave me something else-something so glorious. It worked the second they put it in the IV and it lasted a long time. This was the first time I felt comfortable since being there-and it was at 4 in the morning. I finally was able to sleep-until they came in the next hour for vitals and the next hour and the next. I felt better the next day, but was still in pain. I was able to finally eat and hold things down, so at 1pm, I was able to go home. They gave me one final dose of the heavenly pain meds and I headed home. The second I walked in the door I puked. I guess I left a bit too early. Whoops. Luckily, that was the last time. Unfortuanlty, the pill form of that glorious drug isnt as glorious. Pain pills just dont work on me. Oh well, I guess I will just have to tough it out!!
I have these super cute drains in that are annoying as all get out. They are like a mile long with a grenade at the end. They keeping getting clogged and they hurt liek crap. They are stiched in to the side of me and the incision is so itchy, but I have to keep it covered with a bandaid so I cant get right to the source of the itch. Its driving me crazy. The back of my left arm is completly numb and at various times in the day, I will get a sharp, stabbing pain. Its so weird. Just above the incision on my left side, I have tons of fluid building up-so much so that all you have to do is push on it and you can hear a swooshing sound. Gross!! I called the Dr today and he said its fine as long as the drains keep draining.
Its hard to not be up doing the things that I usually do. I dont have full range of motion with my arms so i can only do things that dont require my elbows to leave my side. Its not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I would have had a lot harder time, but I have been ok. Maybe when the drains come out and I can wear normal clothes, it might be harder. I have had such incredible support and it makes this so much easier to handle. I am still a little out of it and my brain is still a bit foggy and I could sleep all day. Thanks to my Mom for taking over my duties for the next couple of days so I can recover and Thanks to Bills mom and sisters for taking such good care of the kids while I was in the hospital. They had soooo much fun!! I love you guys!!
Sorry no pictures, but this wasnt really something I wanted to remember with pictures. Thanks again for all the support and the kind words and the meals that were brought and the treats. They helped so much through this and I could never say thank you enough!