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Updates at what nots!

2010-09-16T08:28:00.004-07:00

**Maybe I forgot to make a note of this, but I changed my family blog address. Its not a private blog, but I was having some issues with some wierd guy, so I changed it a while back. If your interested, its thelomuseven.blogspot.com or you can click on the sidebar link.

I know that I said I was done with this blog, but I really dont want to do any cancer posts on my family blog, especially when im talking about boobs. Not really family sort of material!

So, I guess my first order of buisness would be to say that...I AM OFFICIALLY, 100%, CANCER FREE!! Hallelujah!! I really feel so blessed to be rid of that nastiness. To know that the medicine did its job and to know that all the prayers on my behalf worked and that its gone! I had a PET scan a couple weeks ago. My Dr wasnt going to do one because I wasnt having any symptoms and he thought there was no reason too. I had a difference of opinion, and told him I was going to do one. So..he gave in and I was able to have one. Its such a relief to just have that peace of mind and know that every headache or backache is just that. Its a great feeling!!

The same day that I found out that my scan was clean, my sweet cancer friend found out that she wasnt so lucky. Her scan showed cancer had spread during chemo and radiation and even after a mastectomy. I was happy for me, but had a hard time celebrating knowing that she, who had the same treatments as me, with the same Dr, was just begining her fight all over again. She recently just found that it has spread to her lungs, so please send prayers and good wishes her way as she starts this crap all over again.

On to boob news...I recently went in to the plastic guy to start the next and final stage of my reconstruction. I had kind of put it off because I was waiting for my left side to drop and relax a little more. But as time went on, it just became tighter and more uncomfortable. I read a few cancer blogs, and on one of them, she explained about a process she went through because the radiation had burned her skin so bad and there was no way to stretch it. I emailed her and asked her more about it and then I researched it on my own. It seemed that this procedure just might be for me!! So during the Dr appt, I was waiting for him to bring up other options before I told him how to do his job.

He never did.

I kept hinting and hinting that I wasnt happy with being COMPLETELY lopsided and I was in pain all the time, but he basiclly told me that it is what it is and unfortunatly, radiation ruins the skin. So, before I punched him in the face and told him I was going elsewhere, I brought up this procedure. He was all like, "Oh yea, the dorsi flap procedure, that would significantly help the look and feel". SERIOUSLY?!? Why on earth was I the one to bring up this totally, obvious solution? He is a great Dr and he does really good work, but seriously? What the crap? I asked him if it would be worth it to go to all that trouble and pain, and would it really make that big of a difference and he told me that it would be awesome and that I would notice a 75-90% change in elasticity. Well, thats great! Im glad that I could do all the work for you!

Im not bitter...i sware! Im really grateful that there is an option for me that will work and relieve some of this pain.

As a background, my left breast, or what was left of it, was the side that was radiated. It burned me pretty bad and pretty much ruined my skin. It feels like leather to touch it. During the recon. phase, my right side did great with the expanding, but my left side just wasnt budging. After the implants were in, it still didnt move. My right side looks awesome!! It almost feels like the real thing...almost! But my left side, looks like a square. Its almost flat against my chest, and during these last 7 months since the surgery that my skin was supposed to relax and soften, it has only gotten worse. Its tight and it hurts to wear a bra or touch around it and its hard and just uncomfortable. I didnt want to settle. I was sure there was another way to fix this. Of all the reconstruction stories that I have heard about, I had never heard one that ended in complete lopsidedness and pain. Im seriously an A on one side and a C on the other. I didnt go through all this pain to end up like this.

So anyhow, my surgery is on Monday!! And I couldnt be more thrilled! Here's what will happen...He will cut all that bad, radiated skin off and he will replace it with skin from my back. They will take a nice chunk of skin and muscle and make a new boob from that. I will still have the implant in, and hopes are that it will allow the implant to be what it is and not stuff it in my chest wall. So I should be pretty close to even on both sides. Right now, the implant I have in my left side is bigger than the one in my right, but you would never know...Its just one flat, square, pancake. Its a more invloved surgery than the other ones and I will be in the hospital for a day or 2. My birthday is on Tuesday, so I will spend my bday in the hospital...YAY! Whats a birthday when your this old anyway...I will just celebrate this weekend.

I almost forgot, I am DONE with Herceptin!! This is what I have been doing for the last year. Its a low dose chemo that I did every 3 weeks at the hospital. So I am offically done with all things chemo and medication related. Now if I can just get this reconstruction done, then I will finally be able to put all of this behind me. It has been a looong year and half. I did chemo from Feb-May, then the mastectomy in June, then radiation started in August-September. Then I started Herceptin 1x/every 3 weeks for the next year, and then the start of my my reconstruction(October) which included the initial surgery to place the expanders and then going to the plastic surgeon each week for 3 months to get injected with saline to fill me up (worse part of the whole cancer experience...worse pain EVER) from Nov-Jan. Then, the permanent implants in Feb. Still doing Herceptin and ended that in August. Now its September and I will do another surgery and when im healed from this, and if all goes well, then I will complete the reconstruction with one more surgery in Dec. sometime. And in all of this, I had Dr appts, checkups, blood work, and MUGA(heart) scans(5 in the past year). AHHH, just thinking of it all overwhelms me. How grateful I am to be on the end of this. I truly feel so blessed that I had the strength and faith to get through it all. I couldnt have done it without my Savior, and I really couldnt have done it without all the help, the prayers, the love and support from everyone!

Anyway, im not one for mushy, so THANK YOU!!
I am so glad I took the time to write all this out. I was just gonna do a quick update, but once I started writing, it just kept coming. Im glad I will have this for my journal. I tend to ramble, so sorry about that.
I will try to update about the surgery when I can move and maybe I will post some pictures of my gnarly scar on my back. Oooh, I bet you can hardly wait!!
Til then...

Whoops!!

2010-03-18T13:11:00.002-07:00

I just realized that I never updated after my doctors appointment 2 weeks ago. I really thought I had and I just looked on here and realized I hadnt. Whoops!!

Things are good and im feeling great. I am slowly starting to get my energy back and feeling normal. I still have my low energy days, but I dont think thats too out of the ordianry being a mom and all. Its amazing what new boobs will do for ya-even if they are slightly uneven =)

On that note, I walked into that appointment mad as heck and ready to tear into him, but I totally chickened out and decided to be nice about it. He explained in detail why they looked the way they did and he gave me hope that they would not always look this way...and he was right. I can already tell a difference. He said that over time the left side will relax and even out, but it will never look like the same and I needed to be realistic. I understand that raditation ruined my skin and it will never be normal-it will always feel hard and leathery and he did the best he could under those circumstances. I believe him. I think he did a great job and im happy with what I have. They are just boobs afterall.

The next step is the nipple reconstruction. Im not really sure what steps have to be taken for this, but im not really worried about it. I have an appointment this next week to get the stitches out of the left side and im sure we will talk about what comes next. Im excited to just get this over with. I cant even tell you how sick I am of doctors appointments and driving and taking time out to go. I can handle the once every 3 week Herceptin, but anything else just drives me crazy. I cant even stand to take my kids. Avery has been due for her 3 year check up for a month and I just keep putting it off. Im lame.

Anyway, everything else is good and I love being on the end side of all this crap. This whole last year seems like a blur and I cant even believe all I went through. I think I just erased it all so I could move on. I dont remember much so I just count it as a year lost but now things are back on track and its great. Im looking foward to Easter this year because last year I was so sick and I missed out on so much. I look foward to alot. This last year took so much of me and I found it hard to do the small and simple things, like hang out and play with my kids. I just didnt have the energy or the drive. Its a strange feeling to be complely zapped of everything, even when I felt good. I love feeling alive again. Maybe its the weather, I love the warmth and the sun and it makes me happy. =)

I dont really feel the need to dwell on this cancer crap so I probably wont write on here anymore, not that I was a regular or anything, but I feel I need to move on and focus on good things. I might still update here and there, but now that im on the end of this, I want it to be the end. I created this blog so I could make it the focus and record what I was going through. I didnt want this to take away from my family blog, so I made it its own. I think I can incorporate the two now. This is where my life is and im hoping that cancer will make less and less an impact. I will still live with some effects from this blasted disease and I will always have to maintain and do tests and blood work and all that to make sure it doesnt come back, but its just maintenace and I dont think it needs its own blog. Besides, im soooo not on the ball enough to keep 2 blogs. Have you noticed how lacking my family blog has been. Im just now starting to get caught up on the last year. I think my last post was on an event that took place around halloween. Im pretty with it these days.

I have loved this blog and I am so glad that I had a place that made it easy to journal and keep record of all I went through and keep people informed who cared. Thank you so much for all the support over this year and for all the prayers and well wishes. I felt every single one. Im not one for the mushy, but I really am so grateful for all the meals and treats and notes and phone calls and texts and the many, many countless acts of service that came my way. I hope to be able to pay that foward and always be on the giving side of service. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and allowed me to endure this trial to make me a better person and more compasionate and more willing to serve others. He showed me miracle after miracle and answered my many prayers and he continues to do so. I am happy, healthy and so grateful for another chance at life.
If you really care to keep up on my oh so intersting life, then please feel free to stop by my family blog. Hopefully I will get it updated soon, but its spring break and I dont have much time to blog. But soon, I promise!!
Adios!!!

All that...for this????!!

2010-02-28T17:03:00.003-07:00

Its been 4 days since the big surgery. I feel pretty good, only a bit sore on the right side and really sore on the left, but good overall. I was able to take the bandage off yesterday.

Not good.

Not good at all.

I dont know exactly what I was expecting, but what I saw wasnt even close. Its horrible. I know im sounding way over dramatic, but I just figured it would look somewhat close to normal. The right side had been overstretched and now the skin is saggy. He had to put in smaller implants because of the left sides refusal to stretch, but I had no idea how much smaller. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, they are only boobs afterall, but all that pain to be right back where I started. I think I am a big A or small B-somewhere in that area. With the expanders in, I was at least a small C. Im not sure why they are so small, I havent yet been to the Dr, but I sure plan on speaking my mind. I went through over 3 months of pure hell and pain like I have never known and I assumed I would be a nice size. I am still lopsided and I dont match. He said that he had to cut down fartther to make more room so the implant wouldnt expand under my arm. It kind of looks like a ramp of some sort. I guess it all came down to waiting to do the reconstruction until after radiation. That radiation ruined my skin and made it into leather and there is no give whatsoever.
I am grateful to still be alive and even if I knew I would look like this at the end, I still would have had the mastectomy, but I guess I had false hope. I guessed that I would have nice, perky girls as a result of all this crap I had gone through. Not so.

When I first saw how they looked, I cant even tell you how I felt. I started bawling and I couldnt stop for hours. I got myself dressed and jumped back in bed and pulled the covers over my head. Bill came in a while later to check on me and found me crying. I wouldnt show him at first, I was so embarressed. It took a few minutes before I would show him, but he told me they looked fine and we knew that the left side would look different. He calmed me down a bit, but it took most of the day for me to calm down and stop crying. I had never cried, really, from the mastectomy. I knew that it was only temporary and that soon, I would look like a woman again. Even with the expanders in, I knew that it was only temporary. Now, this is permanent. This is how they will look forever. This is the final product. I just couldnt handle it. I still am in shock and this will take a while to get used to. Im not sure if I will ever feel comfortable in a swim suit and I will have to get a bra that will make me look even. I wasnt expecting this.

I am supposed to meet with the Doctors office in the next couple days, so hopefully he can help me, but im sure if there was something he could do, then he would have done it.

But on the bright side, my chest feels a hundred times lighter and I can breathe again. I plan on being up and around in the next few days and back to normal things. I will feel sorry for myself for a while, but it will pass, it always does.

Its Official!!

2010-02-18T15:59:00.001-07:00

A week from today, the girls will be here!!!

I cant wait!!

Is it true?!

2010-02-10T16:53:00.002-07:00

I just got home from the surgeon and received my LAST, yes thats right, LAST injection. This is the last time I have to stretch my skin to its limit, to be in so much pain that it puts me on my knees, bawling, to spend so much time sitting in my stupid recliner heating my back. I am officially done with the expanding process of my reconstruction!!! I cant even tell you how excited I am-cant you tell!!
As soon as they get all the insurance paper work done, and get all the final approvals, then they will call me and get get me scheduled. Im like, can we get this done tomorrow?!
I need to wait at least a week to let this last round do its stretching, so im thinking in the next couple of weeks. I just want it done before spring break so im able to be up and around while my kids are out of school.
I will be doing the silicone gel implants. Its a pretty quick surgery, about 1 1/2 hours if all goes good. Its in an out and the best thing is there are NO DRAINS REQUIRED!!! If anyone has had any sort of drain, then they can tell you what a huge relief that is. Those darn buggers are the most bothersome of the surgery. Im hoping that I will be down a few days and then sore for a few more then back to normal. Just thinking about having normal boobs again makes me so happy. Not to say that fake boobs are normal, but they arent hard rocks that smash every person I come in contact with. My kids and especially my husband will be soooo happy to have something somewhat soft again.

I CANT WAIT!!!

Be strong and Carry on

2010-02-04T12:40:00.004-07:00

When I first started this blog, I really wanted to share the details of the day to day with cancer. I wanted to remember what it was like and how I felt and how hard it was for me. I guess I wanted to remember what I had overcome and what I had learned from this trial. For the most part, I have been very honest and have shared details-even the not so good ones. I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Thats why im writing this today. Its time I share whats really going on during this time in my life. I will say in advance that im sorry if I offend anyone. Thats not my intent, I just want to be honest with myself and I want to be real with all of you.

It has officially been a year since I found out that my life would be changed forever. I was happy and we were just about to start a new chapter of our lives in owning our own business. We had plans and it was exciting. I hated Utah and everything about it, but I was truly excited. How quickly everything changed. We ripped up the papers, wrapped up loose ends, packed our house and were gone in a matter of days. We didnt even have time to think or feel. Once here, we dealt with what we had to and that occupied our time. Those first months are a blur. I really didnt feel much-or allow myself to. I knew that I had no other option but to be strong and deal with this head on. My husband was having hard times enough for the both of us, and I knew my only path was to be strong and carry on. Chemo and surgery and radiation took up so much of my time that I was always occupied-my mind was always occupied. Now, I have had a lot of time to think and to feel and it has all caught up with me. All the emotion and stress and worries. To say the least, im a mess.
There is a lot that comes with having cancer, it affects EVERY aspect of your life. For me, at the begining, it was such a positive experience. People from all over the place were coming out of the woodwork to say they loved me and were praying for me. I had constant reminders of love and service. I had never seen anything like it. I received cards and gifts and treats and calls and texts. It was such an example that I will never forget. I will never forget what it felt like to be on the receiving end of such service. It was really hard for me to accept this. Call it a pride thing, but I usually like to be on the other end. This was new for me and it was hard to get used to and it was hard to show my gratitude without feeling stupid. I know thats wierd, but I felt like a burden after a few weeks. I felt like it was getting old real fast and I just wanted it to stop. I just tried to get through it without trying to feel much. I took it one chemo treatment at a time and before I knew it, I was done and on to the next step. I really expected to feel a loss of some sort after my mastectomy, but I didnt. I felt fine. It was actually a relief to have them gone. Radiation came next. It was long and boring, but easy. I couldnt wait for that to be done so I could start the reconstruction process. During radiation, my skin started to get red and irritated. I wasnt allowed to wear any sort of bra of prothstesis because it would irritate the skin. My skin was so sensitive that if there was any friction, it could literally rip the skin. I had to be less than flat chested for the next couple of months. To be honest, it didnt really bother me much...at first. I was really good at ignoring my feelings and putting them off, but everywhere I went I was reminded. People would always ask how I was and how I was feeling and what was next. It was constant. I soon started to feel selfconscious of how I looked. I had no hair, no boobs and I had gained alot of weight. All of a sudden, I started to see myself and all those feelings I had been storing away broke free. What the crap had happened to me. I started to not want to go out or to talk to anyone. I felt hidious. Seriously. I even convinced myself that my husband was totally repulsed by me and thats not good for any marriage. My poor husband-its amazing that he's still here =) I started to feel like I was the pity girl. Its all any one would talk about, it seemed no body knew what to say so they just would ask about cancer. I didnt want to be the charity case.

I thought once I started the reconstruction process, alot of this would go away. I really was never the vain type. I never cared so much about clothes or being stylish, but all of a sudden I was painfully aware that I was far from it. I started to withdraw from everything. I didnt want to do anything. I lost interest in things that I used to love. I guess all signs point to depression. Im too strong to be depressed. I have had boughts before, after I had kids, but I always got through it. I would get through this one. And so I did. I realized that I choose to be happy and thats what I needed to do. Once again, be strong and carry on,

Now it was time to start reconstruction. I couldnt wait. I finally had boobs. It was awesome. The first part of this process was pretty easy. It hurt a little, but i was tough. Just right before Christmas, I recieved an injection that was unlike any other pain I have ever felt. I was bawling my eyes out and nothing I did was relieving my pain. To make matters worse, I couldnt get a hold of my Dr to get pain pills. My next appointment wasnt until after new years. Pure hell is all I can say. Since then, ive had to live off of pain pills and muscle relaxers. Ive never been one to take pills. Ive always refused them after babies and when I get a headache, I would rather suffer through it than take anything. Im dumb, I know, but I just had never felt comfortable taking them. I hate pain pills, I hate the way they make me feel. I hate everything about them-except that they are wonderful in relieving my pain. Everyday, I go through the same fight. I put off taking them until im in so much pain that I cant function. Why?? I have no idea. I guess I just think that I can deal with it without help, like everything else.
Being in constant pain does something to a person. It has changed me. Not for the good. Im cranky, mean, withdrawn, tired, no energy. Im back to not wanting to socialize, or go out, or do anything. I have a hard time doing the things im supposed to do as a mom, wife. Im in more pain than I admit to anyone and its hard. All I want to do is climb in bed and pull the covers over my head. But I cant. I have responsibilities and I have to take care of them. The thing about being sick for so long, is that you have used up the "i need help" card. I feel that I have taken advantage of everyone and all the resources. I dont want to be a burden anymore, to anyone. I just want to feel good and be able to do things on my own. Im not in my own house, I dont have my own things, im not in my normal routines, my kids arent the same. Im so wiped out from pills that I cant even get up in the mornings to get my kids off to school. My husband has taken on that responsibility and he does a great job, but thats what a mom does. And I cant get out of bed. Im completly numb inside and out. Chemo did something to my brain-its like it wiped it clean. I feel dumb as a rock. I dont have the energy to be with my kids or do things with them because I dont feel like I can-I cant teach them because I dont know how or what to teach them. Its all a vicious cycle.

So after a year, what have I learned? That its not as easy as I thought at first. That I didnt have to try and be superwoman. That it is what it is and I should have dealt with it head on instead of trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. Its hard dealing with an illness that could potentially kill you. There is always the thought that this could come back and be way more agressive and I would have to do this all over again. All I know right now is that things can only be a bad as you allow them to be. I know that if I focus on this hard time and feel sorry for myself, then im allowing it to win. My cancer may be gone, but its affects are still lingering and will be for quite a while. What do I do now? The only thing I can do...Be strong and Carry on!!

I dont mean to sound so depressing-sorry about that, but I cant even tell you how good I feel now that I have written this all down. I know I am going through this for a reason and when I read this again sometime down the road, I hope to know why and I hope to be able to have learned something great from all this. I know there is a plan and that is why I am able to move on. We all have hard times and this too shall pass.

On boob news, I should only have about 2 fills left to even them out. My radiated side isnt being too cooperative and its just not stretching like we would like it too. Im hoping for the permanent implants to be in by the end of the month. Cross your fingers!!!

Quickness

2009-12-08T16:11:00.003-07:00

Just a quick post today. Things seem to be so much busier around this time of year, even though we are still doing the same ol, same ol.
I got word yesterday that my MUGA scan came back clean and my heart is still pumpin away. Thats good to know-all this means is that I can continue to do the Herceptin until my next scan in 4 months.
I just got home from the plastic man and he filled me up nice and good. I usually do 60cc's, but today he did 100 and I feel stretched to the max. It feels like I have an ace bandage wrapped nice and tight around my chest that keeps me from breathing and just for good measure, strapped in a couple elephants. Its great. But, im looking more like I have boobs and less like a boy, although I am a bit lopsided still because the radiated breast isnt wanting to cooperate by stretching. The volume is the same, its just a bit deflated on the top. Are you getting sick of hearing about my boobs yet? I know I am. Im very anxious to just speed things up and get this over with. Wishful thinking, right?
Well, thats all on the cancer front. Things are good and what a blessing it is!!

Whatnots

2009-11-18T14:16:00.002-07:00

Not a whole lot going on right now-which is a good thing, right?
These expanders are pure hell (sorry), but they really are. Ive had to really focus on this positive thinking thing and the "end" product. My plastic surgeon said that this process should be pretty pain-less. So either he is full of crap or im just a wuss. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but this is crazy. I have a check up tomorrow, so hopefully he can shed some light on why the pain is so bad.
The other day after I had taken a shower, I noticed that my right side had grown and its actually quite full and round, but still hard as a rock. My left side...not so much. Im a little concerned that the left side (the side that was radiated) is going to have a difficult time stretching. The outer part looks good, but the middle looks deflated and shriveled. (sorry if thats a bit graphic). But today I am wearing a shirt that actually makes it look like I have something to fill it out. Its nice to have that again, even if it is only a size A and im noticably lopsided. I will take it. pain and all!!
So thats the scoop on the girls and all is well with everything else. Im still doing Herceptin and I will be getting a MUGA scan in the next couple weeks. Thats the scan that checks my heart and makes sure its still healthy. There is a small percentage that this Herceptin could damage my heart, so every few months I have to have my heart checked to make sure all is well. Im sure it will be.
Have a good week!!!

I wouldnt say "girls"...

2009-11-09T17:32:00.003-07:00

more like infants!!
I just got a peek at the new additions and it wasnt quite what I was expecting. They are quite small, but I guess anything is an improvement.=)
This surgery was so much worse in the pain catagory than the mastectomy. They gave me so much pain medication and it didnt even put a dent in the pain. They probably thought I was the biggest whimp alive. It hurt to breathe and it felt like I had something sitting on my chest. It didnt help that the wrap around my chest was squeezing the life out of me. I cant even explain the pure joy of getting that thing cut off today. Total freedom!!
Im so glad that Bill was able to take Thurs and Fri off of work because I was out of it until yesterday. I was in a pain pill coma. Those things knocked me out for a good couple of hours. There is no way of functioning on those things, but they are totally necessary. I didnt take any today so that I could go to the doctor with a straight head and I was dying by the time I got home. Not so much where the incisions are or even the drains, but in the center of my chest and in my back. I really am a wuss.
I just went back and read what I wrote and I am all over the place. Sorry, im still in a bit of a daze.
The surgery went good-it took about 2 hours and it took a bit longer for me to come out of it and get up in recovery. I went to the Dr today and he said everything looks good. He was only able to put in 120cc's which is like a tiny A. The left side that was radiated isnt stretching too much-so this is going to be a slow process. I go back on Thursday to get the drains out (hopefully). And then from there, I will wait about 10days or so and then he will start the filling process. Hopefully he will be able to do about 75-100 cc's each time. I imagine the final surgery being the begining of the new year.
On a super good note. The Dr had sent some tissue and blood in for testing and it all came back good!!! No cancer re-occurance where he took the sample from! I wasnt really expecting there to be any, but its just nice to know=)
Just a little update but I think its time to go back to bed.
Have a good week!!

Updates and Boobies!!!

2009-10-25T19:39:00.002-07:00

My goodness, I have completly lost my drive. I have no desire whatsoever to blog. None.
I go through these kinds of phases every now and then. I still have no desire, but I really need to update all thats going on.

The Herceptin is going good. I have really enjoyed it(is that weird?). I get some Benedryl (sp?) and it makes me feel pretty good. It kicks in in about 3 minutes and its off to sleepy land I go. The next thing I know, im done and on my way home to sleep it off for the rest of the night. My appointments are usually at about 2pm and im done at about 5 or 5:30. I feel bad because they are on Fridays and our night is usually shot. The only drawback is that by 10pm or so, it has worn off and im wide awake until like 2 or 3am. Sat. mornings are usually pretty rough. As much as I enjoy it, I get a bit overwhelmed when I think about having to do this for a year. Yikes!
Anyway.... on to the good news!!
I FINALLY met with a plastic surgeon. Im not quite sure about his name, but I really like him and he is was very informative. His name.....Dr. Wiener(wee-ner). Am I completly childish? I cant help but laugh. I refuse to say it, so I just call him Doc. Im so bummed because I cant get the tram flap procedure (thats the tummy tuck one) because I have to create 2 breasts and this procedure was meant for creating only one. Total bummer. So it looks like I will just have to get silicone implants. You should have seen the "sample" they had in the office. It was like Dolly Parton size and Bill was like "this seems about right". Im not sure exactly what size I will be in the end, that will be determined as I get filled each week. When I like the size that I am, then we will do the permanent implant surgery.
There will be a total of 3 surgerys. The first one, which will take place on Nov. 5th (YEA!!) will be an expander. Its a hard, mesh-like implant that they will fill up with as much saline as my skin will allow right now, which wont be much. Each week, I will drive all the way out to the office and they will fill me up some more. When I get to the size I like, then we put in the permanent implant.(about 2-3 months from now) After I have healed somewhat, then we will do the nipple reconstruction. They take a skin graft from your thigh or butt or somewhere, and they create a nipple. Once that is healed, then they tatoo the areola part and im complete! Its a long process and im really not that patient. I know that for the next few months I will be in pain and be totally uncomfortable, but the end result will be so nice. Its going to be wierd, having these fake boobs. Im not much of a fake person and having these things inside me is going to be strange, but wow, the fact that this can even be done is amazing. Im prepared for the topic of conversation, for a while, to be the new girls. Hello backpain and bras. It has been awesome not having to worry about a bra for a while. But I cant even tell you how excited I am to feel like a woman again. Its been a tough time, these past few months. Its done a lot to my confidance. Im excited to re-build that.
So thats the news these days. I have a good week and a half to prepare. They wanted to do it on the 29th, but I just couldnt give up Halloween with my kiddies. One more week isnt going to hurt, but my patience is definatly being tried=)
Happy Halloween Week!!!

Breast Cancer Awareness

2009-10-01T10:12:00.003-07:00

Today starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. Have you done your self check yet?

Its never too early to start!!

Herceptin #1

2009-09-19T21:37:00.002-07:00

I really didnt know what to expect from my first Herceptin treatment. All I did know, was that I was DREADING walking back into that office. It was all I was expecting and more. The smell, the looooong wait in the waiting room and the anxiety of the chemo room. Trying to find the bright side, I was extremly happy about the fact that when I left it wasnt to go home to wait for the sickness to come. I knew that I may have some body aches and chills but that they would be mild and short lived-nothing a little Tylenol couldnt fix!
It was a strange experience being in that room again, looking at everyone experiencing what I was going through-going through what I HAD gone through. It was a little bit of old and young, a few there for their first and second treatments, and some there for the same thing I was. We were all so different but together in this fight. I have to say that I was happy to be there this time with hair. I think it kinda symbolizes something in that office. Hope.
After sitting in the chair for a few minutes, my nurse came over to give me my name tag and prep my arm for the IV. She handed me a small cup that contained 2 Tylenol. I asked her what it was for and she said it was to take along with the Benedryl that they would give me through the IV before the Herceptin. She told me it might make me a bit sleepy, but acted like it was no big deal. About 3 minutes into the 10 minute drip, the room started to spin. My head felt like a helium balloon and I felt like I was in slow motion. I could hear the people talking around me but none of it made sense. All of a sudden my eyes became super heavy and I was out. The next thing I heard was my machine beeping informing the nurses that I was done. I had slept through the whole 90 minute drip. It was such a wierd feeling to not have any control whatsoever over my body or mind. It wasnt a good feeling like when you take painkillers or a sleeping pill, it was a yucky feeling and I hated it. I drove myself there not expecting anything like this and I was worried that I wasnt going to be able to drive home, but by the time I woke up, I felt better. I was still really loopy and super tired but I knew I could drive home. I think next time I will have to bring someone with me. I came home and crashed for a couple hours. It felt like I had taken a sleeping pill in the middle of the day. So by the time I slept it off, I was wide awake. ALL NIGHT. I think I read a book till 3 or so. Hopefully it will be better next time =)

So anyway, nothing else going on. Im still way tired and no energy. I know that all I need to do is get to the gym everyday and it will help, but its getting there that is the hard part. Im literally drained the second I wake up. I thought this fatigue part would be done by now, but it seems to get worse. I just need to suck it up and do it because I know that over time it will help. Its all a mind game.

I still havent found a primary care Dr. so I havent yet done anything about reconstruction. My skin still isnt healed so I dont feel in that big of a hurry. That will be my goal this week-to find myself a Dr!!! Like I said before, im having a hard time doing anything these days-im still in procrastination mode when it comes to anything medical. Im spent.

On a good note, my hair is extra thick and curly. I dont think I have EVER had this much hair and it has NEVER been one ounce curly. Its kinda nice. I still dont hold too high of hope that it will stay this way, but im enjoing it for the time being. The color is hideous and I am itching to color it. Blonde, red or really dark. Hmm. Whats a girl to do??

Heres to a great week!!

Side Effects

2009-09-10T16:28:00.002-07:00

There are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis as a result of this cancer. Here is just a short list: no hair, no boobs, menopause, fatigue, anxiety, stress. You get the picture. Yes, my hair is growing in, but its still too short to make a style out of it. I still cant wear a bra because my skin is taking its sweet time to heal. Just a couple days ago, my scars starting hurting really bad and I started getting scabs and puss. Attractive, I know. I still itch so bad that I feel like I could rip my skin apart. Lots of good stuff. So, some days are better than others but lately its just all been hard. So today as I walked outside to take Lani to activity days, there were about 20 teenage boys with there shirts off jogging down the street. Of course Tyson had to yell at the top of his voice to make himself known, and he made some random comment which made them all start laughing and look our way. Lani was already standing by the car and I could tell she was nervous-not the "help me" nervous, but the "oh my gosh, boys" nervous. So she said "hurry up, mommy". To which one of the boys replied, "oh my gosh, I thought that was a man!"

Awesome.

I just laughed it off but Lani was really concerned about it. She kept telling me that I dont look like a boy and that im really pretty and they probably thought that because my hair is so short. Such a sweet girl, but inside I wanted to die.

This whole cancer experience has been quite humbling. Ive had to rely on others to do things for me, to take care of my motherly duties, to take care of me. I had to loose my hair and cut off my boobs. The 2 things that have always made me feel like a woman. I was thrown into menopause way too early which, along with the chemo medication and self-medication, made me gain about 10-15 pounds. Just one more thing the add to the-not so cute right now-list. Seriously, just kick me when im down. I really dont let things get me down too much, but I am allowed to have my days every once and a while. Right? Good times!

So, tomorrow is my first Herceptin treatment and i am hoping so bad that I dont have any crazy side effects. The thought of stepping foot in that office and having to go back to that chemo room and getting poked and having to sit for a few hours makes me super anxious. And I have to do this for a year?

Sorry for the super upbeat blog post, but sometimes I just have to let it out.

Finished, the next step and whatnot

2009-08-31T15:24:00.003-07:00

It feels great to be done!! I love not having to go to a doctors office everyday. I realized, however, that I now have a hate for doctors offices. I dont want to go and it seems that I have to psych myself up for it. I just dont want to go and thats that. But, I have no choice, so I do it anyway-which brings me to my latest appointment with my oncologist.

I especially hate this office the most. I know its all a mind over matter thing but boy my mind is strong. There is just a certain smell in that office and I just cant take it. It was so bad this time that I literally almost threw up-I was swallowing back big time. I just had to breathe out of my mouth. Luckily, my appointment went pretty fast and I was in and out in about 20 minutes. I love my oncologist. He wastes no time in telling it like it is and he always leaves me with a little lecture on diet and exercise. (I know, I know-thats a whole other post) Anyway, things look good. My skin is healing nicely and it has turned into a nice perfect rectangle tan. Its peeling and drying out and it just looks awesome. (im being a bit sarcastic)but it is healing and the sooner it heals the faster I can move on. My heart scan was normal and im all set up to start my Herceptin. I will do it every 3 weeks for the next year. If I stop and think about that I will go crazy. An entire year. That is so long and way too overwhelming. But the good thing is that it doesnt make me sick and there shouldnt be any side effects. Im very happy about that. So my first appointment is Sept 11th and I should be able to do it along with reconstruction with no problems. Now I just need to find myself a plastic surgeon and get the ball rolling. I have a little anxiety about the whole thing because I have heard that it hurts and its a very long process, but I am excited to feel like a woman again.

So thats where I am right now. I feel good and I actually feel normal and energetic.
Its a good feeling.

I can see the light!!

2009-08-19T12:06:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY of my radiation. I cannot believe it is here already-it really has gone by fast. I am so excited to not have to get up at 6 every morning just to drive through traffic and lay on a table topless for 10 minutes and then drive all the way home. Oh happy day!!!

I really have been lucky as far as side effects go. I have been ridiculously tired and drained to the point of non function, but I consider myself lucky to only be tired. My burn isnt as bad as it could have been-but, a burn is a burn and it HURTS!! This week and some of last week, I started a radiation boost. What that is is a pretty heavy dose on a specific area. The doctor wanted to focus on my scar area because thats the #1 place the cancer likes to come back. It has been brutal. I have only had to deal with really, really bad sunburn like pain, but since the boost, it has tripled the pain and discomfort and it has caused blisters and scabs and all that good stuff.

This is a pretty crappy picture since I took it myself and I was trying to be discret and not show too much, but this is the jist of what my skin looks like in that area. Those marks were drawn every day to help the techs keep the lazers from overlapping into the same areas. I will be so happy to not have to be drawn on with a sharpie day after day.

So, now what?
To be honest, I really dont know. I still havent started the herceptin treatments yet and I still havent met with a plastic surgeon. So im kinda in limbo until I meet with my oncologist and get the ok to move on to the next step. Im sure I will have to have some scans and blood tests to see where things are and im sure there will be a lot of time in between each step. I have heard that I may not be able to have surgery while on herceptin, but im not sure thats true. Thats just something else I will have to ask my Dr. at my next appointment. I know that I dont want to wait a year to start reconstruction, im ready NOW!!! Im so tired of feeling like a boy and feeling not very cute. But cancer is not very cute and Im ready to be done. I dont want to be tired anymore, I dont want to be cranky because I am tired and I just want to be happy.

Here is something that I AM happy about...

Is that hair I see?? Oh yes, and it has come back in full force. Its not long enough yet to make a cute pixie style, but its getting there. Its also growing everywhere else. My arms, my face, my legs. Its great! Its a bit aggresive in some areas, like my face and eyebrows. I really think I have a beard-but thank goodness its blonde. This is all new to me, Ive never been very hairy, but I welcome it.

So thats where I am at this point. Just waiting for the next stage to begin. I am very lucky to have my 5 crazy kids to keep me busy and in the moment. I dont have a lot of time to sit around and think or to feel sorry for myself. In retrospect, I feel very blessed to have been given this trial during this phase of my life. If I was younger, it would have affected my ability to have more kids and if I was older, It would have been harder to handle chemo and raditation and my kids wouldnt have needed me as much as they do now. I think my attitude may have been different as well.

Anyway, I am so excited for tomorrow and you can bet that I am going to celebrate!!!

I just want to thank everyone for their continued words of support and love and especially the prayers on my behalf. I feel blessed everyday and I know its becasue of prayer. So, THANK YOU!!!

So you think you can dance!!!

2009-07-23T15:40:00.003-07:00

Is anyone else obssesed with this show?? I LOVE it.
Last nights performance had me in tears and I wanted to share it for those of you who are hiding under a rock. Its just beautiful.
Enjoy here!!

2009-07-22T09:20:00.002-07:00

What a lovely blogging break. I really needed it. I think I needed to step back from reality and just take a break. My brain hasnt allowed me to think much these past weeks-it still isnt, but im really behind on my journaling, so bare(bear??) with me while I try to make sense of what is in my head.

Having said that...

I am now officially in the throws of radiation. Today was my 9th treatment (only 21 left!) and its going pretty good. The only side effect I can tell is the crazy fatigue. Its pretty bad. If I drank coffee, I think I would need a good 10 cups to keep me going. And it doenst help that im not sleeping either. Idread the night because after I fall asleep I know that in an hour or 2 I will be awake until my alarm goes off at 6. Yes I said 6-and that is a.m. My raditaion time is 6:40 in the morning. I didnt even think doctors offices were open that early. If anyone knows me, they know that I am NOT even close to being a morning person. I think having to get out of bed at 8 is too early. This has been a huge adjustment for me because I am such a night owl. I would never go to bed until 12 or later. I just could never fall asleep early. Now I have to and it stinks. Maybe a mixture of all of this is the making for my restless nights. I asked the doctor about it this morning and he said it was most likely not caused by the raditation but probably from the stress of all that comes with cancer. I think hes probably right. I think it has finally caught up with me. Im still positive about the outcome, but im tired of all that comes with it. The endless doctors appointments and now the day after day after day of the same thing. Driving to the office, getting a lovely gown on, taking the gown off, laying on the table with my arms above my head-completly exposed and waiting for the techs to mark my body with marker so that they can get the red lazer lights perfectly in place. Im not allowed to move and its very hard to breathe and if I breathe too deep the radiation goes farther than intended and thats not a good thing. They are radiating in 4 different spots-the 4 spots that cancer likes to come back first. My breast(or whats left of it), the clavicle, the lymphnodes and the center of my chest. The one in the center is the hardest. They have this big metal thing touching my skin so they can get it as close as possible. I am not allowed to take any deep breaths because it will take the radiation past the chest wall in into the heart. At my first appointment with my radiologist, she told me that some people have a heart that is closer to the chest wall-kinda up against it, but that I didnt need to worry about it because its really uncommon. So when I went back the next day for my first appointment, she informed me that I was one of the few-of course I was. Its not a huge deal, it just changes the way they treat you-its a bit more complicated. But, it is what it is and I can handle 4 more weeks. At least they try to make the room relaxing. On the ceiling they have lights that change color and music playing. Actually, it feels like rock n bowl or something.

I still havent started my herceptin treatments yet. I need a MUGA (heart) scan first and I havent done it yet. They had me scheduled for one but they forgot to call me and let me know when it was. I got a call one morning from the lab saying I had missed my appointment. So I just need to get that scheduled and I can get on with it. Im really not looking forward to that-more time in the chemo room sitting in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours. So fun!

Im in the process of looking for a good plastic surgeon to do my reconstruction. Im not really that excited about starting that process either. Im excited to have boobs again, but not excited to go through all the pain that comes with it. I cant wear a bra of any sort during radiation because anything constricting on that area can cause the skin to rip, so that means I cant wear any prosthesis of any kind because I have nothing to hold them in place, so basically that means i walk around looking like a 10 year old boy. I even got called "sir" at the groccery store. Its great. And going to the pool is awesome-I really look great in my swimsuit-no hair and no boobs make for a hot lady!!!

Anyway, thats what is going on. Just more of the same. Its been a busy month and now its slow and my kids are bored and im excited for school to start. Im hoping that I can get this tired thing under control and get some sleep. If anyone has any suggestions as to a way to have more energy-I would glady accept. Any crazy diet or weird methods are all invited. Ive got to get on some sort of diet to lose weight and to keep this cancer away.

On a good note-my hair is growing back. I now look like I have a short buzz. I think maybe in like 2 months, I may be able to go out without a hat. I left for radiation one morning without a hat and had to go to my appointment with nothing-it felt so wierd, but luckily no one is really out that early. I found a bandana in the office and quickly put it on. I guess im not as comfortable as I thought.
Have a great day!!!

FINALLY...

2009-06-19T21:09:00.002-07:00

A bit of good news. Actually, its a bit of GREAT news!
Today I had my appointment with my oncologist to go over the results of the pathology report from my surgery. Let me start from the top...
Monday I had my first follow up with my surgeon. I was prepared to beg with all my might so that he would take out the drains. I had had it. I just couldnt take it anymore. I knew that there was a really good chance that at least the left drain would stay in because I was still having a ton of drainage, but to my complete surprise, he said that they were ready to come out!! Holy cow, I have never been so excited to feel the ripping pain of those drains being pulled out. And pain it was. I really didnt know what to expect-I just knew it was going to hurt. Luckily, I was still numb so i didnt feel the stiches coming out, but oh my heavens, I felt those drains being pulled on then yanked as they ripped through muscle and tissue. I thought I might die for those brief seconds-but they are out and I am feelin good!!! It has taken a good part of this week for the swelling to decrease, but today I noticed a big change. The swelling is down and my arms have almost reached normal position down by my side. I dont look like a body builder anymore. I am still having pain and numbness on the backs of my arms and my arm pits are still completly numb as well as the stitches where the breast were removed and around that area. I still dont have full range of my arms-I cant reach and stretch them like before. I think that is just something that im going to have retrain my muscles to do. Hopefully the plastic surgeon can do something about that when I begin reconstruction. But its nice to feel a bit normal again.
The surgeon then told us about the pathology report. He started off by saying that it wasnt the news he was hoping to hear. I think Bill about had a heart attack. He said that 3 of the 7 lymphnodes that were tested came back positve for cancer. He was hoping that the large size of the nodes were the result of scar tissue-but they werent. I didnt panic, I knew that it was my oncologist that I needed to talk to, not the surgeon. Bill, on the other hand, paniced enough for the both of us. Hes funny like that.

So, that brings us to today. My Dr came in and said he was extremly happy with the report. He said that they were able to get all the cancer-thanks to the chemotherapy. He said that since the tumor and surrounding little spots were so reduced in size, it made it possible to get it all. He wasnt the least bit worried about the 3 nodes that tested positive. He just kept saying that he was so pleased that the chemo did its job and that my body was very receptive. Thank you body!! So as far as im concerned, I AM CANCER FREE!!! Its such a great feeling. I feel so lucky to be in this position. At the begining of all this, things didnt look good at all. Now look where I am. I have a great Dr and he has done such a marvelous job. I am convinced that I have been greatly blessed by a higher power-EXTREMELY blessed!! And of course I wouldnt be here without the many, many prayers that have come my way. What an experiece this has been. I know that the hard part is over-now its on to the maitenece part of all this. I should hear back next week as to when I will start the radiation and I will also start my Herceptin treatments. I knew from the begining that I would have to do the Herceptin because of me having the HER 2 gene, but I always thought it was a shot. I was informed today that this is an IV treatment that will take about 1hr and 45 min to recieve. So, im back to the chemo schedule. 1 day every 3 weeks for the next year. Its a bit discouraging to know that for the next year i have to deal with this, but I guess I would rather deal with this than have to deal with cancer again.
So thats where I am. Still a long road, but im prepared and ready.

Its a great day!!!

Update

2009-06-11T21:01:00.002-07:00

I cant believe its been a week since the surgery. Time goes by so fast when you measure it by tv shows. Im so sick of being down and in bed-so today, I actually got out of the house. I guess it wasnt a real getting out of the house since I only stayed in the car, but it was nice to drive again anyway.
I am about ready to rip these darn drains out of the holes they are stiched into. I would say the pain is kinda like a sunburn mixed with total irritation of the skin. You know when you wear a cap sleeve shirt that rubs just under your arms-like that. So annoying. Im still draining tons of fluid so I know that im going to have to keep these things in a bit longer. I go see the surgeon on Monday and hopefully he will take out the stiches and these blasted drains.
I meet with my oncologist on the 19th and we should get my radiation scheduled-sooner rather than later-but it all depends on the healing of the wounds and the surrounding tissue. If you try to do radiation on tissue that is not strong, then you have a good chance of burning a hole right through it. Not a good thing.
Not much else going on. The kids are bored out of there minds. They all get home from lessons by 10:30 and since we are homebound they get bored really easy. Poor kids. Lots of TV and rock band. Hopefully next week we will be able to get out more and stay busy. Its been hard to not be able to play with them or do small simple things for them. I cant move my arms much, so even making them a meal is out of the question. How thankful I am for my mom for steping up this past week to take care of my kiddies for me. She has done everything from changing the diapers to lunch and dinner and all the cleaning and picking them up from lessons. Poor thing is so worn out, but she has not once complained and Im so grateful for her and all she has done for me. Tonight was the first night we had to figure out dinner. We have been brought dinner from ladies in our ward all week. Its been so nice.
All I can say is im glad that I wont have to do this again for a while!!!

And their off!!

2009-06-08T12:52:00.002-07:00

What a strange experience surgery is. I had never had surgery before, so I really didnt know what to expect. I had read some other blogs of women who have had mastectomys, but other than that I was clueless. All that worring over nothin. I had a great night before surgery. After Bill dropped the kids off at his moms, we met at Oregenos. YUM!! I got the Pablo Picasso salad and Bill got some sandwhich. I think we were both really nervous because we only ate half our meals. Even though we werent hungry, we still ordered a pizookie because you cant go there without getting one. What a waste-we only ate half of it-well I only ate half of it. Then, I headed straight to book club. They are the sweetest bunch of girls ever!! Julie had made this sign that said "good luck Shelly" with bras and "feel your boobies" ribbons, and balloons put together to look like boobs. So dang cute! After a couple hours of good conversation, I headed home to finish getting ready and then "cuddled" with the hubby and then suprisingly fell asleep and slept really good until the alarm went off at 4:30. After registering and getting in my awesome hospital gown, the drug man came in and gave me some good stuff to help me relax. Thats about the last thing I remember until I woke up. Bill said I was laughing at the doctor, but I dont remember that. When I woke up I was in soooo much pain that I was rolling back and forth and moaning. I vaugely remember "kinda" crying. I think it was more like a child does when they are fake crying. I was just coming out of the fog and still acting really wierd. Nothing they gave me was working so they found something stronger and it worked like a charm. I went right back to sleep and woke up in my room with Bill and my parents. I still was hurting a lot and I went to feel my chest and there was nothing. Such a wierd feeling. Its a hard emotion to explain. The doctor had said that the lymph nodes were larger then he thought, but he thinks it might just be scar tissue from the cancer that was there. We are hoping thats what it is and that the cancer is gone from the nodes. We should find out tomorrow or Wednesday.
So anyway, the pain medicine wore off pretty quick, so they gave me more. About and hour later, it had wore off, but they can only give it to you every 4 hours. About a half hour later, I threw up. Then I threw up again, and again. By the end of the night we realized I was having a reaction to the morphine. So they gave me something else-something so glorious. It worked the second they put it in the IV and it lasted a long time. This was the first time I felt comfortable since being there-and it was at 4 in the morning. I finally was able to sleep-until they came in the next hour for vitals and the next hour and the next. I felt better the next day, but was still in pain. I was able to finally eat and hold things down, so at 1pm, I was able to go home. They gave me one final dose of the heavenly pain meds and I headed home. The second I walked in the door I puked. I guess I left a bit too early. Whoops. Luckily, that was the last time. Unfortuanlty, the pill form of that glorious drug isnt as glorious. Pain pills just dont work on me. Oh well, I guess I will just have to tough it out!!
I have these super cute drains in that are annoying as all get out. They are like a mile long with a grenade at the end. They keeping getting clogged and they hurt liek crap. They are stiched in to the side of me and the incision is so itchy, but I have to keep it covered with a bandaid so I cant get right to the source of the itch. Its driving me crazy. The back of my left arm is completly numb and at various times in the day, I will get a sharp, stabbing pain. Its so weird. Just above the incision on my left side, I have tons of fluid building up-so much so that all you have to do is push on it and you can hear a swooshing sound. Gross!! I called the Dr today and he said its fine as long as the drains keep draining.
Its hard to not be up doing the things that I usually do. I dont have full range of motion with my arms so i can only do things that dont require my elbows to leave my side. Its not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I would have had a lot harder time, but I have been ok. Maybe when the drains come out and I can wear normal clothes, it might be harder. I have had such incredible support and it makes this so much easier to handle. I am still a little out of it and my brain is still a bit foggy and I could sleep all day. Thanks to my Mom for taking over my duties for the next couple of days so I can recover and Thanks to Bills mom and sisters for taking such good care of the kids while I was in the hospital. They had soooo much fun!! I love you guys!!
Sorry no pictures, but this wasnt really something I wanted to remember with pictures. Thanks again for all the support and the kind words and the meals that were brought and the treats. They helped so much through this and I could never say thank you enough!

Last night with my girls!!

2009-06-04T16:40:00.002-07:00

So here I sit on the eve of my surgery, trying to do everything and anything so I dont have to sit and think of tomorrow. I came to a conclusion yesterday...I am very, very good at distraction. If there is something I dont want to do, I sure as heck can find just about anything else to do. I havent really put that much thought into this surgery-to be honest. Of course I have thought about why im having it and what it means and that this may be what completly rids my body of this cancer-all the important things. But what im trying not to think of is the physical part of it. If im being honest, I love my boobs. I was very lucky to be so well endowed. Even though they are saggy and stretchy, they are mine and we have had such a long love/hate relationship. Im scared to let that go. I know all these fears I have are stupid and shallow and I should just be focusing on getting the cancer out of my body, but its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know that I need to face it right now before they are gone, but im scared to think about it. For example, I have been putting off getting a mastectomy bra. I finally decided that it was time yesterday. I went to the mall, not even really knowing what I was looking for. I asked the lady if they carried mastectomy products and she showed me what they had and I immediatly felt overwhelmed. I ended up just grabbing the sports bra that zips in the front for the surgery and left. On my way out, the tears started falling and I started to panic. Just my luck, the first tears I shed about this and im in the mall around perfect strangers. I pratically ran out of there. I got in the car took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and pulled myself together. Its been the same today, I have been so busy that I havent thought about it...much.
Im pretty good with the distractions.
But at some point before tomorrow, im going to have to look it in the eye. I may shed some tears, I know my husband will. Its a sad thing what this cancer does. It took my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, it took me from my family and put me in bed for weeks, it made me gain 10 pounds thanks to the steroids and now its taking the last thing that makes me a woman. I know that boobs dont define me or make me a better person, but they sure are a big part of my appearance as a woman-and now thats gone. Its hard to deal with. I know the fake ones will come at some point, but they arent mine.
Well, enough of that. I dont do well with the negative things. I would rather think of all the positive things that will come from this instead. The cancer being gone, new, perky boobs and a tummy tuck! What gal wouldnt want that!!! Im blessed to be here and blessed to be able to even have this option.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and sent kind words and wishes my way. I really have felt them all and I know that one of the reasons I am able to stay positive is because of them. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

So what to do with my last night. Hmm...We are shipping the kids off to Grandmas. They have been looking foward to this all week. Sleepovers are the best-especially when it invloves Grandma, Ana and Aunt T!! We are no match for them. Then, I think me and the hubby will go out to dinner and celebrate all the good years we have had with the twins. Then im off to book club for some girl time, but I actually have to be home at a decent time. No rollin in at 3 am this month. Its gonna be more like 11pm. Im pretty disciplined. ha ha. Then its time to panic. Im pretty sure there wont be much sleeping going on-so we might have to give the girls a propper goodbye!!! (im sorry-I know that was totally inappropriate-but im all about happy things right now and its my blog, I can write what I want =)!! And you know you were thinking it anyway)
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30 and hoepfully the surgery will start on time at 7:30. Thats early!!

Yikes!!

The next step!!!

2009-05-30T12:29:00.002-07:00

It has taken me a while to sit down and post, but holy cow...I AM DONE!!!! DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE!!!! And it feels sooooo good!

Chemo #6 is done and it went good- I guess as good as can be with chemo. I really only had one day where I felt the need to be in bed. I think by this time I was so done with the whole being in bed and being nasous thing that I wanted nothing to do with it. I rebelled and told myself that I wasnt going to be sick. At the last minute, I decided to go to Lakeside with my Mom and my sister. I still felt crappy and nasous, but not to the point that I was bed ridden. It was a nice change to the usual. I got my energy back earlier and the nausousness was gone by Monday. I cant even begin to explain how great it feels to be done. All the anxiety is gone, the nervousness and aprehension-its gone. I know I still have a long road, but I think the worst part is over.

Speaking of the long road, the next step is surgery and that is happening on Friday. I havent been the least bit scared about this. I know its a big deal, but its necessary and I know that once this is done, the Cancer will be gone (hopefully). This next week is PARTY week. Its "bye bye boobies" week. I am going to bid these babies farwell in style!! I have plans for fun times Tues, Wednesday and Thursday. Im not going to rest until I have to!!

I meet with the surgeon on Monday morning for final things and just to make sure that all is still good. I still need to do complete blood work to make sure my white blood cell count is good-but im not worried about that because I havent had a problem with that this whole time. I still need to find one of those bras that make it look like you have some boobs-im not about to go out hairless and boobless! Hopefully the recovery of this surgery wont be too long. Its summer and ive got all the kids at home who are bored already. Its going to be a looong summer.
I should start radiation after the drains are taken out. (drains are put in to drain the fluid that builds up after surgery) Probably about 2 or 3 weeks. (hopefully) After 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week, I will finally be able to start reconstruction. There are a bunch of steps and a lot of pain, but its well worth it. I dont really know much, but I will keep you informed as I know more.
So surgery friday, a little stay in the hospital and then the next step can begin. Wish me luck!!!!

Boring

2009-05-11T21:57:00.002-07:00

Wow, I am a boring blogger.
Nothing new really going on right now and i guess thats not such a bad thing. This round of nausea stuck around for a while-Saturday was my first nausea free day- so I feel like it hasnt been that long since I was sick. I cant believe that on Wednesday I only have a week until the next one, but at least its the last one!! I have developed some pretty crazy pycho-sematic (I have NO IDEA how to spell that) symtoms. I cant drink my beloved diet pepsi anymore. I drank it right before I got sick and now I cant even stomach the stuff. Maybe that was a gift from above because He knew how hard it was going to be to give it up after chemo is done. I guess its a good thing, but its a sad, sad time. Im still greiving. I also cant step foot in my room. I cant sleep in my bed and I hate the sight and the smell of that room. I have been sleeping in Averys room for the past week. Bill is loving having the bed all to himself. Its such a strange thing-its the smell of the room. I get a weird smell thing about 4 days after chemo. Bills smells, Avery smells and my room reaks to high heaven. I smell it for about a week and a half and then it goes away, but this time its been too much. I just associate it all with being sick and I want nothing to do with it. Strange thing this cancer.

Anyway, nothing else too exciting going on. Just trying to fit it all in day after day and enjoying the sick free days. I feel good right now. Today I actually had enough energy to organize and clean out the bins in the playroom. Its been along time since ive had that kind of energy.

Its nice to feel normal-even for a day.

Home Stretch

2009-05-04T09:01:00.002-07:00

Im on the home stretch and it feels so good!! I cant believe that I only have one more treatment left. It seems like it has been sooo long that I have been dealing with this, but its only been 3 months. This time around was the best yet. Im not saying it was good, but it was mild compared to all the other ones. I didnt throw up this time-not even once. I gagged a little bit-but that was it. Its Monday and im only slightly nasous and im only a little bit tired. Its great!! This time was hard in other ways. Laying in bed is the hardest part. I hate laying there waiting for the days to roll on by. I knew that once Sunday came, that I would be on the tail end of it and I just wanted it to be Sunday. My days consisted of waiting...and feeling like crap, just waiting for it to be over. My body ached all over-jolting bone pain, then it would go away. Then it would come back, then it would go away. Its all such a horrible cycle and I just hope that this chemo is killing this because I am NOT doing this again!!

Last week I had another PET scan. For free!! This lady in my ward works at a hospital that is opening a PET/CT scan department and they needed volunteers that had cancer that would show up on the machine so they could test it. I asked the radiologist if he would be willing to do a compare and contrast to my previous scan to see if things were shrinking. He said yes, but it might take a while. So I am waiting anxiously for those results, but it may be a few days. At my appointment this week, the doctor said he could hardly feel the lumps. Hooray!!
So now its time to play catch up with the cleaning and the lauundry and all that jazz.

My favorite part!!

Im off!!

2009-04-29T09:10:00.002-07:00

So im off to chemo #5 in just a few minutes. Im not gonna lie, im extremly anxious and im having a lot harder time this time than any time. Im to the point that thinking about having to lay in bed for the next 4 or 5 days makes me a bit crazy. Having said that, I realize that I only have to do this one more time and then the hard part is over. All I have to do is to keep thinking of that. Its almost over, its almost over!! Im trying to stall if you hadnt guessed-i really, really, really dont want to go. But I guess I must. At least I have a good book to read and 3 hours to relax in a recliner while poison flows through my veins! Positive thoughts-no nausea, no nausea, no nausea. See ya next week!!

Eyes, ears, mouth and nose!

2009-04-26T20:31:00.002-07:00

There are alot of things about cancer that I hate-obviously-but this side effect of hair loss has been quite annoying. Im really not complaining much about the head hair loss-that has actually been kinda nice. I can go from shower to out the door in about 10 minutes. I have always HATED doing my hair-so im enjoying NOT having to do it. I just wish I had the guts to go out bald without hats or scarfs. The wig I have is horribly ugly, so I never wear it and I get tired of having something on my head-especially now that its getting hot.

Anywho-back to the other annoying hair loss. When I was told I would lose my hair, my only thought was about the hair on my head. I never really gave much thought about the other hair. Like my eyelashes and eye brows and the hair in my nose(gross I know). I knew that these little hairs were there for a reason, but its not really something you think about. Because my eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, there is nothing there to stop dirt and anything else from getting in my eyes. They are constantly burning and irritated. I look like im crying all the time. Not to mention my eyelids are swollen, so they look huge and they make my no eyelash eyes stick out even more. Thank goodness for glasses!!
So since my eyes water all the time, it makes my nose run. Having no hair in there makes that snot just run on out. I get no warning-it just starts to drip. The positives of this-yes there are some- is that I NEVER have to shave my legs or under my arms or my toes =) I wont lie-its been nice!

As far as side effects go, there have been many. I knew that one of the chemo drugs I am given would cause mouth sores, I just didnt realize that they would last for 2 weeks. My mouth has that feeling you get when you drink way too hot hot chocolate. This time I actually got big sores all over my tounge. Every time I brushed my teeth and tounge, I would bleed. Food didnt taste good and I couldnt even drink water-yuck!!! And this time around, I have been nausous so much more. I still get it everyday-not too bad, but enough to be annoying. I think this next time, I will forgo the patch and try a new IV drug and hope that it works. I think it was the patch that was prolonging my nausea-so im totally done with that.

And the worse side effect of all, I have gained like 10 pounds. They told me that I probably would being on a steroid, but I just thought it wouldnt happen. I just keep telling myself that it is only temporary, but it stinks. Nothing like being fat AND bald.

So Wednesday marks my 5th chemo treatment. While I dont look foward to these, I look forward to marking one more down. I cannot believe that after this I only have ONE more. One-thats it. I can totally do this!! In Utah, my kids school got out on the 29th of May, so I just figured that it was the same here. Its not-its the 21st. The day after my last chemo treatment. I look at all the things that I am missing because of this cancer. I was sick for Averys 2nd birthday, I missed 2 field trips, I missed Easter, I was sick when my sister and her family came to visit, I missed a baby blessing and a sealing. These are just some of the things. I miss out on so much family time and I feel that when i do start to feel better, I have so much to catch up on that I am still missing things. This last round left me a lot more fatigued than before. By the end of the day, I am tired and cranky and my drive to do anything is gone. I know that its temporary and soon enough, my energy will be back and this will all be a thing of the past. I know that I still have a long way to go-a double masectomy, recovery, 6 weeks of radiation and then the start of reconstruction. Hopefully by Thanksgiving or Christmas I will be cancer FREE with a tummy tuck and a boob job. Merry Christmas to me!!

SO...on to #5. I cant wait until I can say that I only have one more. Have a great week!!

It can happen to ANYONE!!

2009-04-25T20:30:00.003-07:00

One thing that has helped me through this cancer crap has been reading other peoples stories. I do alot of reading and it makes me feel like I can beat this!! Tonight, I came across a story of a 10 year old girl who was just diagnosed with stage 2A breast cancer. This is so rare and there are no reported cases for her to refer to and her family is searching for an answer. I thought I would post her blog so you could read for yourselves. Maybe there is someone out there who can offer them some advice or has any information.
This just shows that breast cancer can happen to anyone and we really need to educate ourselves and our daugheters about it-prevention and early detection is the key!!
www.ourlittlesweetpea.com

Meeting with the surgeon

2009-04-20T10:51:00.002-07:00

I just got back from my first meeting with the surgeon. I never know what to expect going into an appointment with a doctor you have no idea about. With the insurance I have, not too many doctors take it. I think my oncologist had to search for one for a while. That in itself left me feeling unsettled because I dont want to have to "settle" for a doctor- especially a surgeon. First of all, this guy looks just like groucho marks-he even has hair pouring out of his ears. He just kept talking and talking and wouldnt let me get a word in. He kept throwing in all these different scenarios that had nothing to do with my situation-like if I was 60, or if the genetic test was positive or if I was a stage 1 or 2. I was starting to get impatient because I just wanted to talk about MY situation and what MY options were. He talked about the option of doing a double masectomy and I told him that I would prefer to do that because I dont want to deal with this again-and he just kept talking about why it would be good and why it wouldnt and maybe I would prefer to wait a few years and then do it and yada yada yada. I left his office with a tentative surgery date of early June and a huge pit in my stomach. Now what do I do? Do I take it into my hands and find my own surgeon? I asked my oncologist if he knew the surgeon and he said yes he knew him and liked him. I trust my doctor and trust what he says, but im just not sure about this one. I want to do reconstruction also and the surgeon I saw in Utah had said that I could do it at the same time as the masectomy. This doctor is saying that he wouldnt recommend it-that he would wait until after im through with radiation. That would mean that I would have to go back for 2 or 3 more surgerys instead of just one more. There are pros and cons for doing it both ways. The pro of doing it after radiation would be that I could use my own tissue instead of using an implant. That also means a little tummy tuck because they would use the tissue from my stomach, but the con is that I wont have any boobs for like 6 months. Thats awesome-no boobs and no hair-what a woman I will be. I really dont know what to do. I would love to hear any advice or anything that any of you reading this can offer. I know that im not the only one who is or who has faced these same questions.
Anywho...thats where I am right now. I feel good right now and I am going to enjoy the remaining week and a half. I am so behind on laundry and cleaning and organizing and all that jazz-but all I want to do is go out to lunch and hang out! I will be sooo excited to be done with this chemo and stop living in 3 week incriments. My last treatment will be May 20th. Thats not too far away. Have a great day!!!

4 down, 2 to go

2009-04-02T18:28:00.003-07:00

I have finished Chemo #4. Just talking about it still makes me nausous. I thought I would include a picture of me in the chemo chair. Not really a pretty sight, but this is what it is. I get to sit in a nice reclining chair while they dump in the poison for about 3 hours.

I wore the patch this time and it actually helped. I wasnt as near sick as i have been and I was actually able to get up a few times throughout the days. I dont know if it was the patch or if my body is just used to it now or a combo of the two, but this time was actually bearable. Im not saying I would like it all the time, but at least I wasnt in a death cloud. This time brought a lot more bone pain than in the past and it was almost too much to take. I like to use the "operation" analagy-you know, the game Operation. I get a nice little electric shock in my bones. Its beyond painful and not at all comfortable, but I still didnt do the pain pill thing. I really didnt want to, but I think I might change my mind.
So 4 down and only 2 to go. Im over half way and that is a great feeling!! Im actually feeling ok tonight. Well enough to sit down and blog anyway. Today being Easter and all, I just couldnt stay in bed all day while my family ate all this good food. My Mom brought in one of her wing back chairs to the table, and i plopped myself in the chair with my pillow and blanket. I even managed to eat a bit. Even though I couldnt do much with my kids, I think they still had a good day.
Heres to a good week!!!

Its party time!!

2009-04-02T18:02:00.006-07:00

I am finally getting around to posting some pictures from my awesome hat and scarf party. It was so much fun to see everyone who came. I was spoiled beyond belief, but more than that, I felt so loved and so blessed. People from my ward growing up were there, old high school friends, my super awesome book club, and so many more. I am so blessed to have such a strong support system behind me and I am so thankful for eveyone who came, anyone who has sent a letter, a text, an email or a well wish. Thank you so much for all your love and your support. I really couldnt do this without all of you. And especially, a HUGE thank you to Rachel for putting this together and having it at her house, and also the book club for the food and to anyone else who helped. The night was perfect and I enjoyed myself so much-and it was much needed. So thank you!!!

A picture of the awesome spread
More pictures of the food!!

What was left of the food

I think I really liked the food-i got lots of pictures

I dont think these were meant to be, but I told Julie that they looked like nipples-anyone else think so??? I thought it was appropriate for the night!

3 of my awesome book club gals.

Holly, Laura and her sweet baby boy

Mandy and Abby-whoo whoo for 45th ward!!

The Lomu Sistas. Love you guys!!

More book club girls-Julie and Joni

The hostess with the mostess and her Mama, Lana and Rach

Ok, so I will include one picture of myself but only because Audrey looks so hot!!

Christina and Stacia-two longtime friends. Can you believe these 2 have triplets??

Lana and Cara

Andrea was trying to get me to open up my presents for like an hour and I just kept talking and talking, so she took it into her own hands and started opening them herself. What a gal!! She got some great stuff!

My mom and my sisters, Britney, Jackie, Debbie and Mom

My super awesome book club girls got this rockin hat hair for me. I think I look pretty hot!!

The Worthen girls-more 45th ward. I sure miss that ward!! Judi, Courtney, Wendy and Syd

My sweet Aunt Sandy and my cousin Lynette

Just some of the loot!!

One of the many awesome hats I received!

2 of my best buddies. Nancy and Anney. I have known these girls since I was in diapers

Jessica and Kristin. Some more longtime friends

This picture was the last of the stragglers. Some I have known my whole life and some for about 4 years, but all my favorite girls!!

It was such a fun night and I got so many great things.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2009-04-02T17:28:00.004-07:00

Well, better late than never right?? Although this happened quite a bit ago, I still wanted to post these pictures because they mean a lot to me. Shaving my head wasnt as traumatic as I thought it would be, it was actually kind of cool. I think im diggin this hair style because of how easy it is. I was never one to love getting ready and doing my hair, I actually dreaded it, so its really not so bad. I look ugly as sin, but what are you gonna do.

My sweet boys decided to shave their heads along with me. I was out at the store and by the time I got home, Bill had taken matters into his own hands and started shaving without me. Noah and Tyson were already done and he was starting on Caleb.

I think Caleb hates hair cuts more than anyone I know. I was so proud of him for doing this for me!!

Noah and Tyson looking good with their new hairdo's

I was in denial for a while after I cut my hair short. I just wasnt ready to have it all gone. It kept falling out in clumps and it was all over the place, but I just kept putting off the shaving. I think it was the Sunday before this, I was getting ready for church and noticed a HUGE bald spot smack dab in the middle of my head. I thought I had covered it pretty good, but when I got to church, my Mom immeadiatly noticed it. I figured it was time.

The last picture of me with hair...well some of it anyway.

The first swipe. Bill was my hairstylist for the day. I wouldnt recommed him :)

YIKES!!!! Im not so sure about this!

We realized that this was the first time in about 18 years that I didnt have any color on my hair. I never realized how dark my natural really was.

The kids were all standing in front of me and were dying laughing. Avery had just woken up from her nap and came outside to this nice sight-she wasnt so sure.

And the deed is done!! I deccided to wait just a few more days to bic it. I actually didnt mind the shaved looked

The whole shaved head family, plus Avery who was a little nervous at her moms new hair cut

Im so loved by my sweet boys. I was so happy that they all decided to do this for me. I know that Tyson didnt want to because his hair had finally grown out just enough to have a mohawk, but he did it anyway. I have such sweet little boys. I love them so much!!

Good Days

2009-04-02T16:05:00.004-07:00

I am such a slacker these days with this blog. I think to myself everyday that I really need to write, but when I go to do it, my brain decides to stop working and I cant think of a single thing to write. We call that Chemo Brain. It really is true that this poison affects every part of my body. My goodness, my brain is a mess. I kind of compare it to the way your brain is after you have a baby times 100. Its crazy. Unless its written down on a sticky note attached to my forehead, I dont give it a second thought. I even forgot about a birthday party that Lani was supposed to go to last Saturday. She was upset but then said it was Ok because I have chemo brain. Sweet thing. But mushy brain aside, things are really good right now. I feel good and have lots of energy-until about 7pm or so anyway. My only issue is sleeping. Some nights I get so restless and sleep is hard to come by. But I will take that anyday.
I just read this book called Miracle of Faith. Its the story of Rex Lee, he was BYU's President for about 6 years and like 100 other big things. He was diagnosed in 1987 with non-hodgkins lymphoma. He lost his battle in 1996, but it was such an inspirational book of faith and perserverance. He had it way worse than anything I will have to face (hopefully), but I felt so inspired by his story because no matter what I face, I will get through it. Even though I feel like things are tough for me, there are a million people who have it worse and I have nothing to complain about. I know its weird to say, but I really am grateful for this trial. I have grown stronger and become closer with my Father in Heaven. I have been able to see what is truly important in life and to not let the little things bother me. On Sunday, the RS lesson was on the talk from the last conference " Come what may and love it". While I dont love this Cancer, this is what I have been given and I will try everyday to learn from this and to find all the positives that have come and will come from this. I really feel so blessed right now!!!

2009-03-24T10:29:00.003-07:00

It feels so good to be out of bed!!! This round wasnt as bad as the last round but it was just as rough. The patch helped with the nausea just enough that I wasnt puking every time I drank or ate anything. I actually only threw up 1 time-Hooray!!! But I was still pretty nausous and this time the drugs hit me a little differently than usual. I felt, for about 3 days, that I was in a dream world. I was super loopy and dizzy and totally disoriented. And the exaustion feeling...holy cow, it was a struggle just to roll from one side to the other. I also had some pretty bad bone aches from the lovely shot I get the day after chemo. Maybe I just havent really payed attention to all these before I was soooo sick, but the combo of all these didnt make for a nice week. But on the bright side...I didnt have to go to the hospital this time. Thats always a good thing!!!
This time around was the hardest mentally on me so far. I was so discouraged because all I wanted to do was get up and be normal. I was so sick of being sick. I didnt want to be in my bed anymore and I wanted to be up taking care of my kids. It gets stressful having to rely on everyone else to do the things you usually do. This time I spent alot of time worrying if the kids were ok, if the house was clean, if the kids were behaving, if rules were being followed, if the kids were eating what they were supposed to, if Bill was stressed, if chores were being done, if the kids were bored out of their minds (it was spring break), if they were being too loud in the house...blah blah blah. I just kept worrying about everylittle thing because i couldnt do anything about it. I would try and get up and then almost faint. It was really frustrating. I guess now I can see how easy it is to get discouraged and down. I just want to feel good, to feel normal again. I still have sooo long to go and thats hard for me to think about. I dont want to do this again, but I still have 3 more to go. Alrighty, no more of this boo hoo talk. I know that its something I need to do so I will. Thats just how it is, and before I know it, I will be done.
Ive got a lot to catch up on so im off. Have a great day!!

3rd times a charm!!

2009-03-17T21:25:00.002-07:00

I cannot believe how time flies!!! It is already time for chemo #3. I have been dreading this day since the day I felt better after #2. Thats probably why it went by so dang fast. The doctor gave me a nausea patch to try this time to see if we can nip it before it starts. I put it on today so that it can have time to get in my system. If this doesnt work, then im just destined to be sick. I have prepared myself this time with netflix movies, a clean room, clean sheets, all the laundry done and hung up and the house and bathrooms cleaned. Its like I know when im going to have a baby and im nesting-or something like that. This round has brought so much anxiety with it. Just the thought of going into that office makes me sick and gives me a headache. BUT, this is round 3 and im half way there!!!! Im half way...only 3 more to go. I can do it, I can do it!!! Its kind of bad timing this time being spring break and all, but luckily my kids are pretty much happy just hangin out. Its hot this week, I think its supposed to be in the 90's, so we will just break out the slip n slide and let them enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.
So I didnt get any pictures downloaded, and now im going to be out of comission for the next few days. Im such a slacker. For some reason I have just been sooo not in the mood to do that. I have been tired and just kind of out of it, and if I had any freetime then i usually spent it reading or resting. So if I am not nausous this time, then I promise I will get those pictures up. I promise!! Have a great week everyone!!

Silver Lining!!

2009-03-12T10:22:00.003-07:00

So since it has been about 2 months since I had the BRAC test (the genetic test) done and I still hadnt heard anything, I decided to just call the place and ask if it was back yet. Turns out it had been back since the end of january. Nice. But it turns out that it is NOT genetic. Hip Hip Hooray!! I was so worried because that meant that my girls would have a huge chance of getting Breast Cancer when they got older. Now I know that it was just a crazy thing for me to get it and hopefully no one else in my family will have to deal with this junk.
Sorry about the lack of posting, but its just been hard to get with the program this last week. Now my sister is in town and we are going to hang out for the couple days that she is here-so maybe this weekend I will get those pictures up and running. Have a great day!!

The clouds have parted!!!

2009-03-03T09:52:00.002-07:00

It feels so good to be amongst the living once again! Oh my goodness, not a good week. This round of chemo was not a nice friend to me. I think I finally understand why so many people would rather die than do this crap over and over-not that i would rather die, I just understand. I told myself at the begining of all this that no matter how bad I felt I would stay positive and I would always be positive. Sooo much easier said than done. This round was probably 100x's worse than the last. Im guessing its because I already had the poision in my body and this just added to it. Last time i wasnt sick-really sick-until the Friday after, this time, I was sick the day I got it. I have never thrown up so much in my life. I couldnt drink or eat a thing. If I even moved an inch I would throw up-and its the worse kind. Its the nothing in your stomach, not even acid, kind. I was even more nasuous because my stomach was completly empty and I was getting dehydrated. By Sunday I was back in the hospital for some IV fluids and some nausea medicine. The nausea medicine they gave me left me feeling worse than when I got there. Now I was 10x's more nauseous and water logged. Its a sucky combo. One of the drugs they gave me made me so loopy and tired that I could barely walk out of the hospital, but it was like 11pm so I came home and went to bed. The next day, I finally felt better. I was still nausous, but it was managable. I was able to eat some soup and hold down some water. Today is better but im still really tired and nausous. I know that every day will get better and I just have to endure it because its doing what its intended to do and because im sick, I know its working, but its hard and im not good with hard. Just the thought of going back to that place makes me so sick and I get to the point where I think I cant do it anymore, but then I calm down and get it out of my mind then I feel better. If I let myself think too much about it I start to panic big time. I start to think that I have 4 more and its going to get worse and worse each time and the nausea medicine doesnt work (ive tried 3 different kinds)and then im gonna end up back in the hospital each time because I cant hold anything down and blah blah blah. Its all too much for me to handle. Thats why I have to keep myself positive and calm or it gets way out of control. Im going to do so much research on other natural ways to combat the nausea because I cannot do that again. The doctors office gave me a patch for this next time to try, but I have no hope of any medicine working. The ones that I have tried were supposedly the best, but it did nothing. ANYWHO, I feel better today and thats all that matters!!!

I had the funnest "shower" last week and I have tons and tons of pictures. I also have tons of shaving pictures as well, but im still a little out of it so those will have to wait until later when im feeling better. Thank you so much to everyone for the kind words of support and love. They are so appreciated right now and they help to lift my spirits. Thank you and I love you all so much!!

To leave on a positive note, when I had my check up before my chemo last week, the doctor felt the lumps and said that they have shrunk!! I havent had any scans, but just by touch he could tell they were shrinking. YEA!!!

Preparations

2009-02-24T12:18:00.002-07:00

Ok, so I still havent shaved my head. Dont ask me why, I just keep waiting for the right moment. There is hair EVERYWHERE!!! I have at least 3 bald spots and my hair is so thin, but I keep holding on. Why? I have NO idea! But, today is the day...for sure this time. I look hideous. I want my kids to be part of the shaving, so we will wait for them to get home from school and then it will be done-just in time for my big party tonight. So, to all party goers...just be prepared and get all your giggles out before hand. Im joking, laugh all you want-i sure will be!!

So today is the "preparation" day. Tomorrow is chemo #2 and im scrambling around trying to get it all done before im sick for a few days. "It" being, blood tests, laundry, cleaning, massages, a stop at Tia Rosas for the last meal (last time it was Ned's), Target, and getting together with all my dear freinds and best supporters ( I am so excited for tonight!! Have I already said that?!) I have so much anxiety for tomorrow and I dread it like I have never dread anything before, BUT I have hope that this time will be much less of a reaction-I have lots of hope or wishful thinking, isnt that the same thing? I guess time will tell. There is a lot going on this weekend and I dont want to miss a thing-Bills cousin adopted a baby from Tonga and they are going to be sealed this weekend, there is a massive Tongan BBQ (soooo much food) and both of Bills cousins are blessing their babies. My sister is coming on Saturday (YEA!!) and Bills brother is coming to visit while his super lucky wife is in Hawaii with her sisters and parents (Hope your having fun Annie!!) Too much to be sick in bed. But just in case I am, I have orderd the first season of Psych from Netflix to keep me occupied. (LOVE that show)
Lots of happenings today to keep me busy and happy. I will have pictures of all the fun times tonight and of the "shaving" Wish me luck!!!

Something new everyday

2009-02-20T21:48:00.002-07:00

So I thought that i would have a few more days with hair, but it is rapidly falling out. My head is tender and I cant stop touching it, and when I do I get a nice big chunk of hair. It is making such a mess that i think its time to pull out the clippers. I just cant get myself to do it.
I took a shower today and what a weird experience. I poured a nice big blob of shampoo in my hand and went to wash my hair-but it was gone. I washed it and then looked at my hands covered in hair. I was fully prepared to look in the mirror and see no hair-but its still there-with maybe a few spots here and there. So crazy. Its going to take a while to get used to this-I still feel like my hair is in a pony tail or something. But the good news is...I got a wig yesterday!! Its not really what I had pictured, but im grateful for it because it was free. It was from the American Cancer Society. Its darker than what I have now-but at least its long and its already styled in a cute way. Its a synthetic wig-but it looks cute and real, which was important to me. As far as the comfort factor-it scores a big fat 0!! I need to find a nice little hat to wear underneath it. I will get a picture of it on here as soon as I can find my camera charger-it has mysteriously disappeared.
Today was an "in bed all day"day. Last night I felt really worn, so I went to bed early. I could not for the life of me wake up this morning. I got my kids ready and sent them off to school and then went back to bed until 10:30. I stayed in bed all day. I felt like I had a weight tied to all my muscles-so strange. Its crazy that this chemo has such an effect this late and its weird that it comes and goes the way it does. But I hope its a good sign that its still in there and its still working. I cant believe that i only have 5 more day until my next treatment. Im not ready. But im so excited for my "shower" on Tuesday night. It will be a nice distraction.

I almost forgot...my heart scan came back a couple days ago and it was all good!! Its good to know that my heart is healthy and nothing is standing in the way of the medicine doing what it needs to do. Still waiting on the genetic test. Im starting to think it was misplaced or something-I think its taking way too long.
Anyway, im starting to fall asleep so im off to bed. Have a good weekend!!!

Its gone...well almost

2009-02-18T16:00:00.004-07:00

Last night, my hair officially started falling out. I pulled and out it came. I said from the begining that once it started falling out, then I would cut it. I didnt want to deal with large clumps falling out-its way too emotional. So now that the time was here, I started having second thoughts. Im not ready to completly shave it...so I compromised.

Mac, my moms hairdresser, told her that once it started falling out, then call him and he would cut it for me-for free. He is such a nice man. We called him this morning and he got me right in. I really didnt have any idea of what I wanted, so I just let him do what he wanted.

This is Mac telling me that shorter is better. I had to tell him that I didnt agree.

He didnt care!!

And off it goes!!

Holy cow...is it too late to turn back now?!

And here it is!!! Yikes. Please dont laugh at me if you see me on the street!

Its a cute cut, and he did such a good job, I just feel like a boy or a 50 year old mom. Not so cute with the short hair, but this is a good in between and it will let me get used to what is to come. I guess having some hair is better than having none!!

I think the shaving party will be this weekend sometime. Im hoping that cutting it will help me keep it for a few more days. We shall see!!

Army of Women

2009-02-16T20:38:00.003-07:00

I feel like I have a lot of time to think these days. Lots of down time and quiet time. I think back to when I got my diagnosis and how weird it was and how unreal it all felt. I still dont feel that this is all real. Bill tells me on a daily basis how im not taking this seriously enough-I say he is taking it seriously enough for the both of us and more!!! But back to my thoughts...I havent yet really reached the point of why. Why is this happening to me. Im not there yet. I havent been that low or down that far to feel that this is something so unfair. To be honest, I have really only seen the good. I will admit that I had a few "bad" days, but even then, I was shown so much love that I was able to get through them. I have never in my life seen this side of charity-it has been never ending. From the second I went to the doctor to now-its still there. I am constantly gettting asked "what can I do to help?" And it has mostly been from people that I dont even know. We had only been in our last ward for about 5 months and we didnt really know anyone-but they all pulled together and brought in meals and helped us move and held a ward fast and offered anything and everything. We are now in my parents ward and have been shown the same. I feel so amazingly blessed. I cant even begin to say what my friends have done. I have loved all the kind words of love and support and i feel so undeserving of it all. To be honest-its all a bit embaressing-ive never been one to love the spotlight.
So back to my thoughts...again. (sorry, I tend to wander) So, I havent been thinking about why me-poor me, but rather why?? Why was I given this trial. We are given trials to learn from and to make us stronger-so What am I supposed to be learing from this? I know for sure that this was meant to happen-that it was me who was supposed to bear this, but why? I look back at the last 10 years and realize that the things that have happened over the years have all happend to make me a stronger person, to help me in this trial. I know that I was blessed with 5 kids so close together for a reason-because im not sure that I will be able to have more kids after all this is over. I know that I was told that it was time to have a baby-even though I wasnt ready, and when I didnt listen, He took matters into His own hands and gave me one anyway. Its awesome to look back and see why things happend the way they did because I never did understand why in the moment. So as I try to look ahead to the future, im asking myself what can I do to make this trial something that will make me grow stronger. I know that when I have read a story about someone going through the same thing, it inspires me. It gives me strengh to know that I can beat this. Could I inspire someone else? I have never really thought about that before. Maybe I could inspire one person-just one, to get a mammogram or go to the doctor over something they arent quite sure about-because if it could happen to me-when I have ALL the odds in my favor-then it could happen to anyone. I know some people and they know people and so on and so on-and I know that I have quite a few people reading this blog and sharing information to others and maybe its now my responsibility to share what I know and share my story. Maybe. What ever the reason, I know that only good will come of this. Its going to be such a long road and its a bit overwhelming to think of, but I know that in the end, something good will come of this-it already has.
So on that note, I have something to share.

Dr. Susan Love told Robin Roberts yesterday on Good Morning America that she’s trying to recruit 1,000,000 women for the Army of Women, a group of women who on a volunteer basis will be part of research efforts aimed at determining what causes breast cancer. All women are invited to participate. Just sign up here. When you do, you’ll get an e-mail about opportunities for being involved.
Love reports that about 200,000 women have signed up so far. She’s got a long way to go to hit that one-million mark. Just like we have a way to go to find that elusive cause of breast cancer. Help if you can.

2009-02-11T13:03:00.002-07:00

Not a whole lot to report-which for me is a grand thing!! Im learning a lot about my limits and what I can and cant handle. I have had to learn that just because im feeling better doesnt mean that I can go at it full force like nothing happened, or I will dearly pay for it. Take last night for example. I did laundry, I hung itup, I cleaned and picked up and did homework and helped make dinner-you know, all the things I usually do as a mom and housewife. Right after dinner was in the oven, I started feeling that good ol nausous feeling that has become such a dear friend of mine. I all of a sudden couldnt stand. I went and layed down thinking it would go away-not so lucky. I was so frusterated because I had some serious plans last night. First was an enrichment activity and then I was meeting some friends at Nelsons and you dont bail out on Nelsons. I started having some major stomach pain and i felt that I could throw up at any minute-I think I had overdone it. At least I know now what puts me over the edge and I need to just take more time to rest. Its hard to re-program your mind into thinking its ok to rest during the day-there is a lot that I have to re-program. Im a work in progress.
On Monday night, I went to the ER because I felt like I was being choked. Man, that "cancer card' is nice when it comes to having to wait a long time to be seen. They took me right back and it was actually a quick visit where Emergency rooms are concerned. It turns out I was just dehydrated. I had low blood pressure and my esphogus was irritated. Strange side effects these poisions have. After an IV, some anti-nausea medicine and some nasty tasting sick juice, I left feeling soooo much better. Its amazing what liquid does to your body. I guess I need to drink more. whoops
Today I waited for 45 minutes to get some blood drawn and after that, i couldnt wait anymore because I had another appointment. I had even made an appointment so I wouldnt have to wait-they forgot about me amongst the hundreds that were waiting to be seen-so I said I would come back after my scan. I then went in for my MUGA scan. I have been having some heart flutters, so this was a scan that I couldnt put off. I went and just paid cash for it. I know it will be worth it to have some piece of mind that my heart is tip top. I will sort it out with the insurance later. I guess im still a little dehydrated because they could not find a vein to draw any blood from. They poked me like 4 times before they found one in my wrist. I can only use my right arm and it is pretty much used up. For this scan, they take blood and then mix it with some radio active stuff and let it mix for like 40 minutes, then they inject it right back in and take pictures of my heart to make sure its working properly. I should get the results in a couple days. After that I headed back to the lab to get more blood taken. They took me right back-thank goodness or I might have made a scene. They couldnt find a vein either. They poked and wiggled and holy crap it hurt. She finally used the same vein they had used earlier. Did you know that if you poke the same vein over and over again, it BURNS. It took a lot to not scream at her. Its not her fault. But no more pokes until next week-its time for my arm to have a break.
Thats all for today!!

Things always look better in the morning!

2009-02-09T11:53:00.003-07:00

What a difference a day makes!! Oh my gosh-today is such a better day. I felt a little naseous this morning, but other than that, I feel good! I have been up and around doing laundry and playing outside with the kids. Its such a good feeling to be back in the swing of things. I am still tired and I get dizzy being up, but its so much more manageable. I can do this!! I can do 5 days of hell for even one day of feeling good-its so worth it and I know that I can do it. Its kindof like the pain of childbirth-you forget it for a reason-so you want to do it again. I WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!! I want this cancer gone so bad that I will do it again, and again. Just dont ask me DURING the 5 day hell fest!!
So this week holds more of the same-more blood tests and hopefully the heart scan that I wasnt able to get last week. This insurance thing is turing into a nightmare, poor Bill, he is taking it all head on and he is the one dealing with all the idiots. I really love that guy!! Also, I hope to meet with the American Cancer Society rep at the hospital to discuss wig options. I said I was going to shave my head at the first sign of falling hair, but I guess im a little more attached to my hair than I thought. It may be thin and scragly, but its still mine and I think I will keep it-even if it is for another week. I think I will cut it short to lessen the mess and then I will shave it when it REALLY starts to fall out. I think Bill and the boys are all going to shave theirs as well-it will be one big shaving party!! So fun, I can hardly wait!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Bad Days

2009-02-08T20:51:00.004-07:00

I have read a lot about bad days and I knew that I would have them, but when I thought about bad days with me, I really didnt think they would be that bad. How wrong I was. The nurses had told me what to expect, but I really thought I would be different-you see, im kindof a tough chic!! But, i seriously wanted to cry like a baby. I think I would describe it like being morning sick times a million. I had never done the morning sickness thing very well anyway. I HATE to throw up-I hate it more than anything in life, and not being able to control yourself is such a horrible experience. I didnt think I would get hit with the nausea because I had a anti-nausea IV before I got chemo and I had pills that I was taking every 4 hours-not even a dent. I was so sick, i didnt even get out of bed on Friday. I went to book club on Thursday night and had soooo much fun. I think I fell asleep like 5 times. I kept waking up to Julie saying "looks like Shelly fell asleep again" Its such a strange feeling to not be able to have control over your body. Its crazy. On friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. I couldnt move. I had just gotten the neulasta shot on Thursday and the nurse had said I might feel like that. I only left my bed that day to throw up. I really dont even think I went to the bathroom because I couldnt keep anything down. I have this thick, nasty taste in my mouth and food is the very furthest thing from my mind. On Saturday, we had a party for Avery. I cant believe my little monkey is 2. It was so hard to not be able to be in the midst of it all. I had to leave it all up to Bill and my Mom to get everything-thats a hard thing for me to give up my hold on. I had started the day out with a nice morning throw up and I was still so sick. I did the best I could and tried to socialize and just hang out with my family, but I just coudnt. Its things like this that make this so dang hard. I literally cant do all the things that make me the happiest. Bills family provided all the side dishes and that took so much stress off of me. Thanks guys!! Avery had a good time just being the center of attention and ate it all up. She got some cute, cute things-lots of prettys (as she says it). I went to bed for the rest of the day. Luckily, I was able to keep some food down. I have been living on a diet of oatmeal and toast. MMMMM...good. Today was more of the same. I was a bit naseous this morning, but after a pill, my stomach actually calmed down a bit. Today the severe fatigue hit. It is a tired that I have never felt in all my no-sleep-as-a-new-mom-years. It takes so much effort to just lift my arms. It takes effort to hold my kids. It takes effort to smile. I was trying to describe how I felt to Bill and the best I could do was to compare it to a puppet on a string. I dont feel like I have control of my body and the motions. My nerve endings feel like they are on high alert-always giving me little shocks to keep me going. Its a strange sensation.
I dont want to focus on these days. I just want to write about them and then let it go. Bill had said that if everything goes like this for each treatment, then it will only be 5 days of Hell and then the rest good. The very thought of the next treatment put me straight into anxiety-it was weird. Its going to take some serious mind power to keep me focused and keep me on the right track in all of this. I know that this is only temporary, but holy crap its hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and hopefully will do. My sweet cousin came today to take a family picture before my hair falls out (which it did today-clumps after the shower-Yikes!) Im not one for pictures of myself, but im really glad she did that for us. Thanks Gwen!
I will try and update as much as possible, but those bad days make it hard to do anything but curl up in a ball. Heres to GOOD DAYS!!!
**For the record-im sorry if this is jumbled or doesnt make much sense, but that is another side effect. Im kinda all over the place-sorry!!

1 down-5 to go!!

2009-02-05T10:59:00.002-07:00

I am officially full of poision! It didnt really feel like I was being injected with toxins, it just felt like I had an IV with saline or something-except one of the drugs is so toxic, that they have to slowly hand push it in because if it touches your skin, it will burn you. I have that going through my veins right now. Its crazy!! Besides being tired from a sleepless night the night before(apparantly you arent supposed to take the day before chemo drug right before bed..noted)I felt good. I came home and took a nice nap. I started having some heart palpataions and I started getting a slight fever and my chest felt tight. Uh-oh-not a good start. I had fully expected to not feel a thing for at least a few days, but I guess everyone responds differently. After my nap, I felt a bit better. Bills whole famly came over and brought pizza and treats. They brought me a cute, comfy sweat suit, a body pillow and a cuddly bean bag pillow. They are the best!! I started feeling a bit nausous and couldnt eat. My dad made me a super foods smoothie-it was seriously better than any Jamba Juice. He puts in protein powder, oatmeal, peanut butter (just for me) a bananna, and some berries. Doesnt sound good-but it was yummy and just what I needed. After everyone left, I just needed to lay down. I took a nausea pill (which didnt help an ounce). I was curled up in a ball on the bed just trying to hold the barf in. It was a bit discouraging to feel this way so fast, but after a good talk with my dad, he helped me to stay in perspective. I need to stay positive and understand that I am sick because these drugs are killing this cancer and thats a very good thing. I can see how you can get discouraged so quickly-things change when you just dont feel good. Im so blessed to have such a great support team to always be there for me to help pick me up when i need it.
Today is a better day. I feel a little nausous, but I had a great sleep thanks to sleeping pills. So now im off today to get my MUGA scan and then to get the dredded Neulasta shot. Ive heard this one is a killer, but its necessary to boost my blood cell counts. So im off. Have a great day!! I know I plan too!!

Tomorrow's the Day

2009-02-03T22:18:00.002-07:00

So tomorrow is the big day. My first Chemo treatment. I thought it was going to be on Friday, but I was able to get in tomorrow. They had been holding back a little bit due to some insurance issues... as in we have no insurance, but that is just crazy. Im not going to let this spread and kill me all because of a few hundred thousand$$$. Whats money, right?? We will get all that figured out eventually, but in the meantime, I will start the fight. I am a little nervous-I wont lie. Im scared to lose my hair, im scard to be nausous, im scared to throw up, im scared to be so tired that I cant play with my kids, im scared to inject loads and loads of poisnious toxins into my body and im scared of how my body will react. What if it doesnt work? What if it makes me so sick i end up in the hospital? what if it works and them it comes back and i have to do it all over again? There are so many things that are going through my mind, BUT I know there is a reason why this is done. I know that im going to be full of posion, but its killing the cancer. i would rather not be able to play with my kids for a measly 6 months or so than to never play with them again. This is only temporary, and we will all get through it. Im so grateful that I have soooo much help. I know its going to be a burden, but I just need to accept the help and be grateful I have it. This is the begining of a long road, but i am so ready!!! Like my sister in laws said... Cancer picked the wrong beotch!!! Love you all

2009-02-02T15:06:00.002-07:00

Dont you just love my new header?? Thanks to Ashly Lark for coming up with this super cute addition!! Thanks Ashly!! I love it!

Good News!

2009-01-30T17:29:00.004-07:00

FINALLY...some good news!! My scan came back CLEAN!! YEA!! We are so excited to know that it hasnt spread. It is contained to the left breast only. That is such good news. Although, they did find that it is in more lymph nodes in the chest and farther back in the chest than they thought-its pretty much as bad as it can get before it spreads. Its called stage 3 metastatic cancer. I am also HER2 positive. All that means is its really aggressive. The HER2 means that I have too much protein and it causes the cells to grow faster. I am so lucky that this was caught just in time. I know that this can be killed and cut out. Its such a good feeling just to know what we are dealing with. We are still waiting on the genetic test-that may take another week or so. So now since all the tests are done, its time to move on with treatment. Dr. C wants to do Chemo first. I have so many tumors and they are all over the place so they want to shrink them first to reduce the chance of spreading cancer cells during surgery. I will be doing a combo of 3 different drugs-they call it TAC. I will for sure lose my hair. I was really holding on to hope that the drugs I would be given wouldnt cause me to lose my hair-but the doctor pretty much squashed that. I was able to see the chemo room and meet the nurses and go through the whole process. I am waiting for the scheduling lady to call and let me know what day I will start, but it should be sometime next week. I will do it on the same day everytime. It will be once every 3 weeks for 6 cycles-so like 18 weeks. The day after each treatment, i will go back in for a shot of something called Neulasta-this is to boost my white blood cell count higher because one of the drugs during chemo causes the cell count to basically disapear. Before each treatment, I will have to do someting called a MUGA scan. Its a scan that will look at my heart to make sure that the drugs arent damaging my heart. I will have to do a blood draw every week to check my blood cell counts to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to. I also have to get a shot once a week for the next YEAR called Herceptin-this is to help those cancer cells that are fuled by the large amounts of protein to stop growing-its kinda like a helper to the chemo. After all the chemo, I will have a masectomy, then reconstruction and then radiation. There is so much information and so much to take in-its all a bit much. They went over the side effects and all the meanings and all these big names-its crazy. I think its going to take some time to all really set in. But...I have one last weekend of being chemo free and im going to enjoy it. Im gonna hang out, watch the Cards kick some bootay, and just relax and enjoy my hair while I have it. Go Cards!!

2009-01-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

So, tomorrow is the big PET scan and we are all a bit nervous. I know that I should just have faith that it hasnt spread anywhere else, but to be honest, im way scared. I think its a mix of a lot of things. I know that from this point on everything is going to change. I have been so busy with moving and the kids that I really havent had a lot of time to let in sink in. I think its finally starting to. When I think of the road ahead, I start to freak out, so I just shut it out and find something to keep me occupied. So far it has worked, but I think its time to find a new technique. The scan is in the morning and then I have an appointment with my oncologist in the afternoon to talk about the results and to figure out the next steps. So tomorrow will be a crazy day but hopefully we will have more information as to what im supposed to be doing. Its time to get this thing started and kick this cancers trash!! Its almost 7-and you know what that means...AMERICAN IDOL!!! So ive got to get going, but I just wanted to send a shout to Tusi (DEUCE as he is known on the field) and wish him and the Cardinals good luck this weekend!!! He texted Bill yesterday and told him he got interviewed by Ross the intern (from Jay Leno) and it will be airing this Friday night-so set your Tivo's and dont forget to watch-apparantly its pretty funny!! GO CARDS!!!

2009-01-30T17:27:00.001-07:00

We are finally here!! It has been the craziest week of my life. Bill decided he really wanted to be with me on my first appointment with the new oncologist, so we started packing the house Thursday night and had the truck loaded on Saturday afternoon. We cleaned up and tried to cram in the last random items and hit the road Sunday morning. It was so fast and so crazy and we couldnt have done it without all the help we received. My mom and my mother in law were both there and my two brother in laws and their wives and all the guys from the ward that sacraficed their Saturday to load the truck-it was amazing that it all worked out. The relief society had meals brought in all week. We had so much food-I think we all gained like 10 pounds! I am so amazed at the help and the love and support from everyone in our ward. Im sorry to anyone who emailed or text me or called me-I seriously didnt have 2 seconds to put together-not even a picture. Once we get all moved in and settled, I promise I will respond! It is so great to be home, but we sure do miss our Utah family- alot!!So today was the first appointment with the oncologist. It didnt start out to great considering we sat in the waiting room for like 45 minutes only to find out that the stupid Utah doctors office didnt send over my records and they had been trying to get them all day. I even went there before I left and signed all the paperwork and told them what day and time my appointment was and to make sure they were there. I was so mad. Bill called and ripped them to peices and wouldnt you know it, by the end of our appointment they came. But I will just say that I LOVE this doctor. He is so thorough and knowlegable and kind and funny-all the things you would want in a doctor when going through something like this. He asked me a bunch of questions and did an exam-a very thorough exam I must say. He was able to glance at the records that did come through just enough to know that he wants to do a few more tests. It was after 5, so tomorrow he will call and make an appointment for me to do a PET scan-this is a full body scan, its a bit more in depth than a bone scan. And in the morning I will go do some more blood work. I still havent heard about the bone scan or the genetic test-hopefully we will know more the next time we meet with the doctor-which will be the day after the PET scan. He said that I will start Chemo first and then do surgery-so I will start that probably next week. Its scary to even think about it so im just going to take it one day at a time-I will worry about things as they come. Im trying to decide if I want to do a separate blog for me and keep this one for the fun stuff that we still go through as a family. I dont have my computer so im not quite sure how to upload pictures to this computer and not make them permanant. So many things I want to do, so little time. Hopefully things will slow down a bit and I will have some time for all the things I enjoy. Wishful thinking, right? The kids start school tomorrow and they are excited and nervous. Tyson gets to go to all day kindergarten-he is beyond excited. Im a little sad to not have my ty-bo at home in the morning, but I know this will be so good for him. This school starts at 7:53-a bit earlier than our previous 9:15. Im not so good with the mornings. Looks like I better start getting to bed a little earlier!! Goodnight!

Decisions, decisions

2009-01-30T17:25:00.003-07:00

I just got back from the doctor with more questions and more decisions to be made. The results of my chest x-ray came back clear-which is great news. My MRI showed more tumors in the breast which completly rules out saving the breast. No chance at all. I figured as much and actually I prefer it so I dont have to always wonder if it will come back. I still havent recieved the results for the genetic testing, so that may change it from a single to double masectomy. I also get a full body bone scan on Thursday to see if it has spread to my bones. Im hopeful that it hasnt and that it is contained to the lymph nodes only. So now our options are this...we can take all our records and go home and find our own doctors and do it all there (which is my first choice), or we can do the surgery here, with the doctors that we have already seen, and then go home for Chemo and radiation. If I stay here for the surgery, then we are looking at the middle of march for going home. I guess either way, we are pulling the kids out of school at a bad time, so that isnt really a consideration anymore. I really just dont even want to make any of these decisions. Just make it go away!!!So...lots of things to think about. but im leaning more towards home, and soon. If anyone knows of any doctors that we might be able to go to, please, please let me know. We are really just starting from square one down in AZ, so any help or information would be greatly appreciated.

Its Official!

2009-01-30T17:25:00.002-07:00

So, just a quick update. We are moving back home!! Its not necessarily under the best circumstances, but hey..IM GOING HOME!!Our plans are to be home by Wednesday. Its going to be crazy trying to get packed so fast, but we have motivation. I have my bone scan today at 4 and hopefully it will be clean. I think this will be my last test here. We are still awaiting the genetic test, but that takes a week and the least. I hope to have all the results back by the time we leave so I can make a clean break. I just want to thank everyone again for all the kind words and the love and support. It has truely been amazing. Its been a dark time, but there has also been so much light and I am so grateful!!I will try and update as much as I can. Thanks again!!

WOW!

2009-01-30T17:22:00.001-07:00

I am so overwhelmed by so much love and support from everyone. I have never felt so loved in my life. It has been such a huge comfort to know how many people have fasted and prayed in our behalf. It is truly overwhelming and I just want to thank everyone and let you know how appreciative Bill and I are. We love you!!I met with the surgeon on Friday to discuss possible options and to talk about the mammogram and the Ultra Sound. We were again given more bad news that we were not expecting. I had high hopes that this had not spread and that surgery and radiation would do the trick. Not so.He showed me the films of the tests and went step by step through each one. He is a very thorough Doctor and very to the point-which I appreciate. He said that their were tumors in the lymphnodes and that they were malignant. Those were the ones he was worried about. I thought that these lymphnodes were part of the breast and that it could just be removed-Ive learned a lot about the human anatomy. Did you know that lymphnodes cannot be removed? He said that the cancer was on the move and that was not a good sign. He showed me the tumors and in those tumors and around you could see a bunch of tiny white dots-those are the cancer cells that are spreading. He then said that a masectomy and Chemo were unavoidable. I really was not expecting that. Without more tests, its hard to know how far it has spread and what our next step should be. I was able to get in that day for an MRI, a chest X-Ray, and a genetic blood test. This blood test will determine in I carry a gene that causes this type of cancer. If it comes back positive, then I will need to do a double masectomy. So I will be a whole new lady at the end of this. New hair, nice perky boobs and at least 20 pounds lighter. Gotta have a bright side, right? So, as of this point, we are thinking about moving home to do treatment. We cant do this without our family-and we have so much support at home. Im scared out of mind about going through Chemo. Im scared about my hair falling out, im scared to get sick and im the most scared about throwing up. Im scared to lose my boobs and im scared to have implants. Im sad that my kids have to see me weak and scared. But, I also know that I can beat this. I have such a strong support system and my Husband as my rock. This is going to be hard and long, but I know that there is a light at the end of all this and I will hold on to that through all this. We had such a fun weekend with all the Lomus and it was just what I needed to keep me distracted and keep me happy and upbeat. We laughed and cried and I was the given the most powerful blessing by my sweet husband. I got to see my neices and nephew and my kids had blast. Thank you Lomus for the best weekend ever!! I have some good pictures that I will post a little later. My mom is on her way here-so I need to get some cleaning done!!I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss the MRI results and to see what the next steps are. Hopefully they include packing up my house and moving home!!Love you all!!

Just the begining!

2009-01-30T16:46:00.003-07:00

I decided to make a separate blog about my time with breast cancer. I wanted to keep my family blog fun and happy and all about my kids. I think this will be a good place for me to write down everything that I go through and all the things I am feeling. I know that this isnt going to be an easy road, but I plan on coming out of this so much stronger than I ever was or ever thought I could be.
I want to start from the beginging-for journal sake.
About a year ago, I found a small, hard lump in my left breast. I was still nursing, so I just wrote it off as a clogged duct. A couple months later when I stopped nursing, it was still there, but then I also found one in my right breast. I knew it was a clogged duct. About a month later, the lump in the right breast went away, but the other one was still there. It just got bigger and harder. I really wasnt that worried about it because I am young, I breast fed all 5 kids and it runs NOWHERE in my family. I also didnt have health insurance-which in hindsight was a STUPID excuse!!While we were in AZ for Christmas, my good friends mom died from breast cancer. I think it scared me a bit-enough to make me tell Bill about it and go the doctor. I went to the OB on Jan 8th (my anniversary) and they sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. That was scheduled for the following tuesday, the 13th. It was such a long weekend. The day finally came and i cant even tell you how nervous I was. We fasted all day and by the time of the appointment, I thought I was going to faint. I was the youngest one in that office by like 30 years-it was so uncomfortable. All I could think of was I should NOT be here-this is crazy. I could see the screen after the pictures were taken and I could definatly see something...BIG. I knew something was up because the lady got a doctor and he took one look and immediatly wanted to do a biopsy. So I went in to the ultrasound room. The lady did an ultrasound and she was taking pictures and measuring things. I was too scared to ask what it was she was measuring, so I just looked up at the ceiling. The doctor came in and did some picture taking of his own. He moved the ultra sound thing over my armpit and up popped 2 big black holes. Uh-oh. Not good. Bill was able to come in for the biopsy and Bill started asking all the questions. What is it? Is it bad? You know, all the things I didnt want to ask. The doctor said it was multiple tumors and that there were also 2 in the lymphnodes. He did a biopsy on the lymphnodes and 2 spots in the breast.
Waiting is the hardest part. Trying to be positive but still wondering. If I didnt have such a strong support system here, I think I would have gone crazy. My mother in law had made plans a while back to come visit during January-she is crazy and she likes the snow and the cold. It just happend that she was coming on the same day as my appointment. She and my sister in law Andrea watched our kids. I was so glad to have her here for this waiting period. She is so calming and it was really good for Bill to have his mom here. I wish I had my mom here too. I think it was worse for my parents not being able to be here-just waiting for news. We were able to stay busy for the 2 days of waiting by going to lunch, I got my hair done, we had family dinner and just hung out. Today we all fasted and tried to stay busy but I had my phone in my hand the whole day just waiting for it to ring, but not really wanting in to. I finally had had enough and called. The nurse said she had the results back but she was waiting for the radioligist to read them and then they would give me a call. I ran to the grocceri store with my sis in law and Mom in law to get some things for dinner-I thought I had about an hour. I was in the hair gel isle when my phone rang. The nurse asked if I would talk to the doctor. When he got on the phone he told me that he was sorry to have to tell me that it was in fact cancer. I really didnt think they were going to tell me over the phone. And to be honest, I really wasnt expecting it to be cancer. Not at all. I had been fasting all day and I literally almost fainted. He kept talking but I really didnt hear much after that. I just wanted to find the others and get out of there. Bill kept calling me, but I couldnt answer. I didnt want to tell him over the phone. Just as we pulled in, the bus was dropping the kids off, so Andrea took them back to her house so Bill and I could talk. Bill called the doctor back to ask some questions since I had no idea what he had said, and I called my parents. My dad has a way of calming me with his words of wisdom and I was so thankful for the things he told me because I really needed to be calmed. The radiologist said that it doesnt look like it has spread anywhere past the lymphnode, but until they do an MRI they wont know. So we praying that it hasnt spread. I have an appointment tomorrow with the surgeon to see what our next step is. Bill has been a rock to me during this time. Bill has some health anxiety and I was really worried what this might do to him, but he has been so great to me and has picked me up when I felt like crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head. I love you babe!!I just wanted to tell everyone how grateful I am-we are- for everyones overwhelming support. My parents have told me how many people have called them and given their support and how many people fasted today in our behalf. People I dont even know, but know my parents and love them. It has been such an amazing experience. I have felt comfort and love and I know its because of all the prayers. Its the scariest time of my life, but its also the most amazing. I have never in my life experienced anything like it-and for that, I am truely grateful. Its all so overwhelming. We told the kids and they are taking it pretty good. Im not sure that they really understand, but it makes me feel better to know that they arent worried. My mom is going to come up next week and stay for a while to help out with the kids during the surgery (and we all know that sometimes you just need your mommy), my sister is coming, as well as my brother and his wife. Just a few hours ago, Bills whole family called and said they are packing up the cars and coming tomorrow. Just like that. And anyone who knows the Lomus knows that they are not spur of the moment kind of people. I feel so loved and so blessed to have family that is willing to drop everything to come and give me the support that I need right now. How could anyone with this much love not have a positive attitude?? I really feel comfort from my Father in Heaven and I know that I will be alright. He is blessing me and my family more than we deserve. I know that this is a novel, but im glad I was able to write it all down so I will remember how I felt. I still have a life and kids and lots of happy things to keep me grounded, so dont expect any doom and gloom here. I have a weird sense of humor. Thanks again and Love to you all!!!